Nov 05 2013, 01:43 AM

So it's been a while... I am currently very happy in my self at the fact I have found someone who loves me :') And I love her back! She has made my heart whole again after so long and I care about her so much xD Problem is though I still feel depressed. Suicidal at times... I was pushed to the edge a few days back when everyone was just saying "Go die!" "Cut some more" "You have no friends" Well.. I didn't die. I didn't cut. And I clearly have some friends xD Just cause birmingham is full of knobs who can't forgive and forget isn't my problem.... Bunch of immature people if you ask me. Oh.. And I get called a paedophile who has got 3 counts to his name xD Wahey! More shit I didn't know about me ;D I'm just into the younger maturer girls... Isn't my fault girls my age are utter dicks. And it's not like I'm grooming them or they're not mature enough to know what they're getting into... They like the older boy... It's never their fault though is it.

Oct 25 2013, 03:35 AM

Self harmed last night... I did some mega thinking last night and I couldn't control my anger. Hatred and pity I have for myself. It's haunting me and never leaves me... I want to wake up from this nightmare I'm living! Everyone looks so happy... All these perfect couples. Perfect people. Always wondering what it's like to be in the limelight... The public eye. I walk in the street and all I get is stares... People laughing at me. Judging me. I need to fit in... To smile. To laugh! I can't though due to everyone always putting me down... I even believe it sometimes. I'm not pretty. Not beautiful. Not cute. Not wanted or needed. Unloved... :'( It's been a long hard road without you by my side and what I need is to feel again. To love. I forget all the good times I have had... Everything is piling up with the thoughts and feelings of myself. I'm starting to break down emotionally. I miss you... Jessica. Come back to me my angel? Let me see those blue eyes again... Hey dad... I miss you too. It's been 11 years since I've saw you and I don't even know what you look like or sound like. Whether you remember me and it hurts knowing I could be forgotten. It's not your fault you're mentally ill... That you are in a secure mental home. I'd visit you... Soon. When I can start to pick up my own life and understand why I feel so shit. I'm having counselling now and I'll just wish it helps... I can't open up though. I try but words don't come out. Silence.

Oct 24 2013, 03:49 AM

Okay... Day 1 of this journal! Relationships: Feeling so down as the girl I thought was the one after opening my heart again had let me down and tore it open again :'( Sunday she deletes me off facebook because her mom says... She said she'd never leave me :/ She added me on bbm last night and basically was like I said I'd never leave and I don't plan too.... But i know we can't be together because she doesn't want to lose her mom. :c I lost the first person I ever loved 3 years ago :c 1st december 2010 she committed suicide. We had been going out for 1 year and 3 months beforehand... My counsellor said to me "You have to let jess out your heart to let others in. So you can love again" for 3 years I just kept pushing them away and just what people say "using them" Which I wasn't... I just couldn't love them.. Anyway. I let lisha in and I got hurt again... Seriously considering giving up on relationships. Family issues: Okay so I haven't spoke to my mom and siblings in about a year... They haven't made contact and I know why... It's cause of her partner. My STEP-DAD! The strictest guy you can imagine! I'm glad I got kicked out of the house... Don't have to see him again! I do miss everyone though :c Tough living on your own with barely any money left to treat yourself! I'm all alone in this world with no family and no true friends... I need friends :c Hoping Coventry has some nice people! But I won't get my hopes up :c I just need cuddles again...