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LucideKitten's Journal

Total Journal Entries: 5

Apr 03 2014, 08:57 PM

What It's Like to be Me

You don’t know what it’s like when nobody understands you,
And you try to make sense in the things that they do.
You don’t know what it’s like to not know what to say,
And rather be alone and get caught in the rain.
You don’t know what it’s like to feel that nobody is the same,
And that you’re just a toy in some horrible game.

You don’t know what it’s like to watch your hopes crumble down,
And rebuild the pieces just to be turned right around
You don’t know what it’s like to drown in sorrow
And hope and dream that you won’t see tomorrow
You don’t know what it’s like to want to say goodbye,
And doubt that anyone would even cry.

You don’t know what it’s like to want to scream,
But no one around you would know what it means.
You don’t know what it’s like to feel dead inside,
But you smile and laugh and they think you’re alive.
You don’t know what it’s like to just want to cry,
But everyone would turn around and wonder why.

You don’t know what it’s like to have these fantasies
You dream to die but no one sees.
You don’t know what it’s like to start to glow,
In pondering what would happen if you go.
You don’t know what it’s like to want to run,
But wherever you go you will find none.

You don’t know what it’s like to shed a tear,
Just asking yourself, “Why am I here?”
You don’t know what it’s like to find beauty in death,
And wonder when you can enjoy the wealth.
You don’t know what it’s like to want to speak,
But everything you say makes you seem weak.

You don’t know what it’s like to believe,
That things will never change until you leave.
You don’t know what it’s like to want to be kissed
But you know that you are not even missed.
You don’t know what it’s like to be me,
Anywhere you go there’s nothing to see.



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Dec 09 2013, 11:22 PM

I'm really sorry I haven't been on in a long time. I'm going to be very vague, but I will say that my life has been hectic and I have been in a dark place. I will be on more to talk to all of you, you all help me along a lot. Cheers! <3

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Sep 02 2013, 09:23 AM


Well, I guess I just wasn't good enough...

I have recently developed an online relationship on here with someone who will not be named. He was acting so sweetly, but I guess he found someone new on here. It's just sad, I guess, my heart sinks. I don't understand. WHat could be wrong with me that I cannot see?

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Aug 11 2013, 09:16 AM

My Own Personal Hell


Nobody will ever understand the worry, the pain, and the sorrow that I am forced to experience every day of my life. Tomorrow, I will once again return to school, a personal hell where nobody will accept and everybody will judge. I will be once again choked out by the shadowy abyss where I am strangled by the words of my peers. The shouts, the taunts, the cruel acts laid upon my helpless soul, oh, who can deny? Nothing will ever turn out right. Tomorrow will be the worst, most lonley day of my life, and thers is nothing I can do, nothing I can say that will change my fate. It will be yet another day all alone, feeling empty at a table where nobody else dared to sit, where everybody is averted from my presence, where I am utterly outcast from the rest of the world. And guess what? There isn't even anything I could have done differently to make some friends. Any possible social skills I may have develped where shredded by a cloud of misery, destroyed into oblivion by the brutal acts of those vicious people around me, and now, all I am is a shell. An empty ghost no one dares to try to understand. I am solemly alone, nobody to comfort me, nobody to care. I can barely speak, and I can't even work up the courage to say hello anymore. I can't make any friends. I will be avoided by most, and the rest will do everything they can to make me miserable and break me down. Tomorrow I return, to my own personal hell called school.

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Aug 05 2013, 10:10 AM

This is just a story i wrote it's long but i think its really good plz read and comment if you liked it


I tell this story for times ago, ages past and memories lost. Damned am I, and damned forever. Eternities of endless wandering I must suffer... and all because I, a hopeless girl, and a foolish boy fell in love...

I fiddled with my thumbs aimlessly, the crisp October breeze pricking at my arms. My blonde hair was gently blowing in the breeze like golden tendrils of flame, dancing with the setting sun. My smiling eyes were set on one thing, and one thing only... Shawn's front door.
My stomach jumped when I witnessed the knob turning, the deep, violet door slowly creaking open. Gradually, in which every second was like an hour, my mouth turned up in a smile from the jitters of his arrival. His sillouette was jet black against the blinding light erupting from his home. The radiant glow from inside was electrifying against the fading sky, flowing through my veins like liquid gold. Shawn's tall and lanky stature was so distinct, an I could never forget.
Footstep by footstep, I could hear him walking towards me. The uncontrollable happiness was slapped on my face by his presence, because he actually is the one thing that makes me happy. He is the only one in my hell of a life that makes me feel like I am loved, and deserve love for that matter...
Suddenly I felt something warm around my waist, and I put my arms forward and up to find his shoulders. I could barely see through the dense twilight, but I could feel him there, and feel his touch. I could feel his radiating love, teasing my heart as I reflected my own love back into his chest. Above us, stars shining, the moonlight casting a gentle reflection on the two of us as the autumn wind sent chills down my spine... but that doesn't matter, because all I care about and feel is the warmth of myself wrapped in his arms, as our lips so gently touched...
After a few seconds, I suddenly felt his love... change. He pulled away from me, and then my grin faded to a frown. I could sense a feeling from him, his love turned bittersweet, as he radiated a guilt and sorrow. I knew then something was terribly wrong. I could feel his pain, and I could feel him suffering... "Walk with me," he spoke in an expressionless tone, lacing his fingers in between mine. I did, as he guided me along the sidewalks of our neighborhood.
"Is something wrong?" I questioned, with a look of pure concern haunting my pale face.
"Yeah, umm..." he said, coming to a halt and looking down at the ground. "I'm so sorry my love..."
"What is it?" I snapped frantically.
"It's just that..." I could feel the anguish settling in his warm heart. "I'm moving away, I'll be out in two weeks... I'm really, really sorry." He spoke words of misery... words that seemed dead to me.
I froze, wondering if my heart was even still beating. I looked down at the black converse on my feet and began to question all this... 'Could this be true? It has to be a dream, and only a dream.' I thought with a hollow voice in my head. I tilted my face up to the sky, stars smiling down on me. They are lies, my life is a lie! If only I could fly, fly up there and capture one of those merciless suckers, wipe that stupid smile off their face, that they are happy and I am not. If only I could change the fabrics of our universe, change my fate, and change time... but only I just realized... I can't. I just can't do it...
I pinched my arm, trying to wake myself from this nightmare, but soon I realize it's no use... And it was then the shock of Shawn's uncertain horizon was over, and I snapped back to reality, and into a deadly sorrow. I can't change this, and I can't run away from it. I could feel my chest caving in like a black hole, not letting any light escape. My eyes started to burn as my anguish settled in, my head on fire. I could barely even stand. Weak, I wondered if I had died. Hell bestowed upon me, knocking on the Devil's door. My eyes black, stomach getting queasy, and my emotions excruciating. I almost collapsed to the ground, dizzy and disoriented, but I knew I had to finish this, no matter how much I felt like curling up and dying right at his feet.
I didn't even cry right then, I stuffed down all my grief into behind my blue eyes, dead and useless now. I can't let him see me cry, he feels guilty enough already. I was worried he might die, and I don't want his life to be lost because of me. All I did was stare into the distance, with the sheet- white face of a lost soul. Haunted by some unknown horror, someone dead and gone, I just stood like a statue, only a hollow shell inside. "Are you okay?" He mumbled painfully after a long, drawn out silence.
"Yes," I choked on my words, beyond lies.
"Are you sure you're going to be alright my love?" He repeated, his voice melting into liquid sadness. He grabbed my other hand in his and gripped tightly, like a tourniquet. It was clear he was trying to hold on to the last bit of life we held together, but we both knew it wasn't working. I knodded, jaw half dropped, eyes empty...

And that was it... Our last words as he walked me home. Masked by the daze of lies my mind put on to temporarily numb the pain, I drifted, lost and bleeding inside. Saying nothing, I left his side and walked up to my doorstep like a zombie, the buzzing porchlight piercing my brain. I reached out to open the door, the knob like ice on my lifeless fingers. I took one step inside and I burst into tears, crying, sobbing uncontrollably. Liquid death running like a faucet down my face and to my neck left my practically crawling up the stairs to my bedroom in anguish. I locked my door in the pure darkness, hyperventilating and whimpering nonstop. Succumbed in my endless wailing an suffering, my knees gave in under me, and all I heard was a crack, and a brief, buzzing, stinging coming from my head. I could feel the warm blood running down the gash in my head as I fell to the ground, curling up on the cold, hard floor. Every thought of Shawn, every memory and realization of his departure crept into my mind, creating an excruciating rush of emotion that rushed up into my head like an infection moving to the brain. No matter what, my tears didn't stop pouring, endless misery streaming from my eyes.
Laying in a pond of tears and my own crimson despair, I choked, "God you monster, causing two to fall so desperately in love, only to snatch it away so suddenly! So suddenly..." And then, literally drowning in my own sorrow, I began to fall asleep, gasping for air, but no willing to get it. Wishing for life, but not energy to find it... Suddenly, I finally started to feel okay, as all this feeling begins to stop...

I awoke to a gasp as my eyes snapped open, jumping swiftly to my feet from my floor. Golden rays of sunlight were peering beautifully through the blinds of my bedroom window, as I drifted weak yet gracefully to the source of wonderous light. I knew in my mind that something was unresolved, but I just couldn't feel anything... It was like I couldn't feel. I could barely remember the night before, but I didn't care. All I wanted to do was look out my window, the window I had looked through since I was very young, young and innocent. I could see the vibrant oranges, yellows and reds of the fall, all outside my window. "How lovely," I whispered to myself, "Maybe I am okay..."
But then, my serene thoughts were suddenly tortured by a feeling I've never experienced before, a physical feeling in my arm, like something was being pulled out from my vein! Then, swirling blackness began to surround me, suffocating me, twisting and clouding up my vision! The floor below me began to crumble beneath my feet as I started falling down an abyss, a deep, bottomless pit, falling and falling. As the darkness began to dissapate, I could see my life onscreen, in thousands of magic mirrors it seemed like, surrounding me as I plummeted...
It started with happy things, like me and Shawn meeting. It started with our times in the summer, joyful and laughing, smiling and enjoying ourselves, telling ourselves it would last forever. It started with our first kiss, and our second and third...
And then, the summer started to die, and so did we. I saw Shawn and I from the third person, our last kiss, and him telling me of him leaving... our sadness together displayed right there in front of me...
And as I fell more, I saw myself at home, my tears and suffering, only getting darker, and more vile as I saw myself hit my head on the corner of my nightstand, blood rushing out from the wound. I witnessed myself falling asleep, drowning and choking in liquid death... an then the rise and fall of my chest fading away to almost nothing...
A few more minutes of free falling, and then the screens depict my parents bashing open my door, gasping in terror at the sight of me on the ground. I could see my mom dashing over to feel my pulse, and then her bursting into tears. "Call an ambulence! She's almost gone!" My mom screamed at my father, who whipped out a phone and began dialing frantically, pure panic on his face as my mom wailed like an animal...
And of course, I saw the hospital, me laying near lifeless in the rough sheets of a hospital bed, my head wound wrapped carefully with several layers of bandaging. I saw the I.V's, and my mother sobbing on a chair to the right. I saw them pull the plug on me... deciding I wouldn't make it anyway. My parents curled up in emotional anguish at my loss, but almost more importantly, there was someone else in the room... Shawn. Shawn was wiping tears from his eyes, but they wouldn't stop coming. I could hear him sniffling and whining in the trememdous pain of my loss, him holding a single, violet rose, my favorite color. He trudged over, shivering beside me as he laid down the rose over my heart, gently holding my cold hand, and putting it over the rose, so that I was holding it close, holding a piece of Shawn with me. "Goodbye, my love..." he whispered in my ear...
I thought boys didn't cry... but I was wrong.

Then, the mirrors went black, as I saw light below me. Extremely fast, like lightning, I bolted downward, hitting solid ground. Slightly stunned from the fall, I waited a few seconds to check my surroundings, but when I did... It was not good. I was in Shawn's bedroom, and he was there, laying around just staring at the cieling, mourning... dying inside. He was holding a picture of him and I, smiling in the sunlight of a great summer... but he was not looking too good. Watching him fall apart was so, so hard.
"Shawn! Shawn! Listen to me!" I screamed, and tried to touch his face, but I only went right through him. He stared right through me, he couldn't see. "You have to snap out of it! Shawn... listen to me, please..." I wept and wandered around the room aimlessly, forced to see him dying inside. He started to look far too skinny and pale... dark circles all around his eyes like a skeleton. You could start to see his bones... but he did not eat... he just was too hopeless to.
Months were passing, and he began to grow very ill. He shivered nonstop... and I had to see it all. I couldn't leave. I was trapped in this home, damned forever. And, he didn't survive... he didn't pull out of this depression. He just got too sick... and he eventually got too weak to move. He was dead, and got dragged out of the room, never to be seen by me again... And all I did before his lifeless body was gone was whisper in his ear, "I love you Shawn..." but he didn't hear...
And here I am, a lonley ghost damned to stay trapped here without him. I am forever here with his memory, and I cry every second cause of it. I can't die, and I can't live, but it's the worst knowing he died by cause of me. And this all happened because I, a hopeless girl, and him, a foolish boy, fell in love.



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Total Journal Entries: 5