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Drummer_Boy's Journal

Total Journal Entries: 18

May 20 2017, 06:50 PM

I can't even remember the last time I was on here... I've grown so much.. I'm now 20 years old.. I don't know if any of the people who reached out to me years past are still on here any more, but if they are, even if it's been years since we've talked, thank you for being there. I've grown up, and I've found out the bad things I've dealt with have only gotten worse, however, there are still wonderful people like you in the world that exist and that's worth more than any words I can conjure up. Life has in fact gotten hard. In a far cry, this is my attempt at reaching out again, but on the flip side that this doesn't reach that standpoint in some people's interpretation of this entry, take this as a thank you for being who you are. For being caring people, and a community who have always been willing to help others who need it, regardless how how much we may or may not fit in with the rest. Please know that it's kind people like you who make us wanderers know that there are good people we will run into, no matter how many times we run into someone of the opposite.

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Mar 21 2016, 03:01 AM

Well, I guess this is my last journal entry. Ever. No one else will listen to me, and anyone I've tried opening up to either wouldn't talk to me anymore, or edged me to finally say what was wrong then ignored me. Kind of ironic for someone who wants anyone with depression to go to them for help, because they only want to make a difference in the lives of those who appeal to them... Guess I'm not one of those people... I don't really have friends where I live currently. I have maybe 2 that I'll never get to see or talk to... My mom only cares about me when my dad comes home on the weekends, and my dad is trying to find ways to kick me out of the house... What a life.. My depression has been severe lately and I have had thoughts of suicide. My last attempt to do what makes me happy isn't even a guarantee. Plus, I just don't really fit in on this site.. I met some friendly faces, but I guess it's time to be in complete isolation until it kills me or by miracle I can break out of it again.

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Mar 15 2016, 01:35 AM

Damn. I haven't been on here in ages it seems. I feel bad because I got close to some people on here then completely forgot about this website. and here I am, longing to hear or see life for once outside of my stupidly small college I go to or snapchat... I feel like I don't deserve to use this..

I'm completely isolated once again. I did get to move in with my father 2 years ago and it was the best time of my life, but now I'm back in the place that tried to kill me.. Trying to break my social shell only made me end up hiding in it even more and I'm having a hard time even using my voice anymore. My heart hurts bad enough that I feel out of place even talking to friends... and it seems everything is crashing down on me. again.

I was going for an acting scholarship, mind you, I've NEVER gotten a scholarship in my entire life, and I actually finished it. I was so happy with myself. My only problem, I had to get letters of recommendations for my final part of my scholarship... I did so much on my own, then I just get shut down because I have to rely on people who don't even care about me... There goes my hopes of doing something great with my life.. It's not fair :( People always say do what makes you happy. I tried, but it requires people, and anytime I try, my heart dies more and more. Meeting people makes me happy, but I get lied to and made excuses to. Acting makes me happy, but I need a stage family or partner to work with... I want to feel significant but I can't.

My life wasn't even meant to happen. It was my brother's that was... I'm not a jock/genius/music or movie buff/ and I feel out of place even on here because I don't have the looks or styles of anyone here... I guess I shouldn't even be using this site to vent.. I just... I'm socially and emotionally frustrated with life. I can't even do things for myself because they always go wrong and hurt me more and more. I can barely take it.. I just want to live my life, but it shuts me down at every corner... If I can't even get college to work, I'm done...

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Aug 01 2014, 04:40 PM

I get it, I see now. Everyone's happy once I leave. I'm easily replaceable, even if I didn't do anything wrong. Everything that happens is just a never ending cycle. No matter where I am, it's always the same thing, just new people. I shouldn't be in this world, this isn't my time. My last resort for my life to be okay is moving in with my dad I've never known my entire life. And even he told me there's a chance that even it could go wrong and make me miserable. Why is there always a bad... Horrible!... Side to everything in my life? Can't just one thing be okay? Can I just have one shot at my own future? Whatever asshole god everyone prays to, I'm gonna kill him personally... If he's not dead already that is..

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Jul 16 2014, 06:52 PM

How?... How do people get so lucky?... How can people possibly have happy lives?. I try so hard just to make friends and socialize... Yet no matter what, it's always the same. I don't matter, or things that can hurt me like hell are kept secrets and I have to find out, not making anything any better... I've always been scared to go out and socialize. I try once and it doesn't work, I thought maybe just a bad start. I try again and I feel like it's made progress then it ends up even worse than the first one... I'm just gonna go give up and die now.. Okay? Okay...

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Jul 12 2014, 08:27 PM

You ever feel like there's always someone out there for everyone except you? :/ all your friends have that special girl/boy in their lives and you just sit there only hoping someone likes you? Or, you try so hard to connect with someone while trying to hide it hoping that they'll want to connect with you? It's that feel of alone that only someone special can change, yet, the fact that life doesn't want you to be happy only carved deeper in your mind cause all there ever is is rejection or abandonment. How? How do people like us get to be so unlucky? It's not fair. Someone to hold us in their arms just to comfort us and make us feel safe is just too much to ask for, yet the rest of the world gets to do it everyday because it's practically handed to them, yet we fight for it and still lose... I wish it would change... Who or where that special someone is, please come save me...

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Jul 09 2014, 04:57 PM

Now I remember why I don't go out and socialize... I try so hard to make new friends and meet new people. But when I actually see them, it's like all of a sudden they don't care about me anymore.. I go out once, ONCE, and I get ditched... I guess I shouldn't have expected any different.. It is me after all :/ please don't let this side of my split personalities return, I've had enough... I just want to actually be there with someone and have fun with them... Is that too much to ask? Sorry I'm never good enough :(

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Jun 28 2014, 10:14 AM

I guess it's time I stop looking forward to anything, and being social. Nothing ever changes. So many opportunities to meet new people, and I always try my hardest to make it happen, but it feels like I'm the only one who ever cares anymore. People are so content with themselves except for me. I try to make new friends and be apart of their lives, but No one needs me anyway.. All I do is disappoint myself and others. One thing I've learned the hard way, Happiness is not for everyone...

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Jun 22 2014, 05:16 PM

I don't know if I can do this anymore.. People I care about just pop in and out of my life like a game of whack a mole. And being in the place of those moles... It hurts like hell. I've waited months for this life to come, this was just like a heaven to me. After a glimpse of what heaven looked like to me, it slowly fell to the ground. Everything I look forward to, gone. Meeting people, getting a job, being with a loving family... None of that really happens... People won't even come close to me anymore because they're scared. They think I'm not me anymore... I didn't make myself this way... All I wanted was to be happy, and to make myself happy instead of constantly being dependent on others, cause that only leads to disappointment and despair. I guess happiness wasn't meant for everyone... I can't even make a life for myself to be happy. "It gets better, just wait. Good things come to those who wait."? If I had to wait a lifetime just to be happy, then I might as well be dead...

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Jun 10 2014, 04:13 PM

Oh. My. Gosh. So this girl (not saying any names because she's probably reading this right now :3 ) just.. Ahhh! Lol she makes me so happy! :) I love skyping with her and being able to see her, it's just the best thing ever! Now if only she'd actually say "goodnight" to my mom. Haha oh well, next time :P I CANT BELIEVE IM SO CLOSE TO BEING ABLE TO SEE HER!!! :D I just regained so much hope after talking to her! She's amazing whether she thinks so or not! And she needs to add more pictures ;P (winking in a joking fashion meaning I already told her before) lol cause she's so breathtakingly gorgeous she just can't understand! Oh all the energy I had when I first started talking to her. She just makes me so happy! :) I feel bad because I made her cry 1/3 of the time we talked :P but tears of happiness of course! She hates her laugh but hearing it and seeing her is just so adorable :D I know you're reading this and sorry it may seem awkward, but it's so true! :) I love talking to you so much! I can't wait until it's in person, not just behind a screen. :) and no you don't have to reply to this haha

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Jun 09 2014, 03:48 PM

One of those nights... It's impossible to connect with anyone anymore it seems :/ opening up to someone is one thing but actually connecting is another story. Then suddenly you get to talk and play with friends you haven't talked to in a LONG time, but before you get to do anything, your father calls your phone and has a long talk pretty much saying no to your future and that he has no faith in you or what you wanna do, and as soon as you get back, you realize those missing friends go back to how they were... Missing but fine without you... Excuse me while I fall apart alone... Again.. Please don't give up on me like everyone else...

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Jun 08 2014, 03:11 PM

You almost wonder if, somehow, she ever just thinks about you

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Jun 08 2014, 09:18 AM

I feel like it's so awkward for me to have feelings. It feels like it makes me not human just because it's ME that has feelings.. People here are always asking for help or a friend and I'll be there for them until they're okay. But what happens when they're finally okay? Oh right. I vanish off the face of the earth. People ask so much out of others and the only thing I ask for is someone to be there for me when I need them. But I guess that's just asking too much... Sometimes it feels like I should just vanish off the face of the earth. I'm almost never okay, and I can't seem to open up to anyone or say how I feel without them thinking it's not important or because I have feelings so I'm weird. I'm trying so hard to keep myself okay but it doesn't work that well. I'm losing everything I look forward to as if I have much left to lose.

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Jun 07 2014, 06:10 PM

I feel that sliver of hope is fading. This girl, I got to to Skype with her and actually see her over video chat. She's beyond gorgeous and just as sweet. I got along with her parents fine the first day (I think), I just hope they don't get annoyed with me talking to her so much. She's the last thing I've really got left to look forward to. I really hope I get to see her, because her parents are beginning to change their minds :/ she's so sweet and I'd only ask a week with her just to get to hang out and know her better. She told me she really wanted to go to Six Flags and Springfield, and I'd love to take her with me! It'd be so much fun! Then the days we'd spend at home we could just talk, sing, or watch movies together :) And I really want to hear her sing :3 she doubts herself but she's got a lovely voice so I bet her singing will be just as so. I just fear I'll bore her to death, or we'll talk so much she'll lose interest in me. I try not to let her see it, my anxiety kicks in every time I think about talking to her as much as I do. I guess it just depends on how she feels about me too. She's so shy and quiet and I'm a blabber mouth. That's the exact reason my last girlfriend broke up with me because she lost interest in me because we talked so much. Can you see why the anxiety happens? :/ I don't think I could bear to have the same fate happen twice...

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Jun 07 2014, 03:51 AM

I see I make plenty of entries. Oh well, I won't lie they do help, even if no one reads them, it's good to put all my bad feelings aside like this. Plus lately, I've found myself to be pretty happy. One friend in particular has been super nice to me and is even coming to visit me all the way from Wisconsin! How amazing is that? :D even crazier, I met her on here :) it's crazy how far a simple hello could go! She's said something to me first every day implying that she cares, and I will NEVER, take that for granted. This girl is amazing. :)

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Jun 05 2014, 03:37 AM

So I've finally overcome my anxiety. My one friend who caused it finally helped me put it to rest, and as for these random heart stops... They don't seem to bother me too much anymore. I can only hope I don't go through anymore emotional trauma, the heart has tendons on the inside that contract and keep it beating. I've come to find I only have a few more intact still. It shouldn't be too much of a problem, I've talked to some really amazing people on this site that have not only helped me learn to smile again, but as well have helped me to reach out more efficiently and be more socially outgoing. They did it only out of pure hearted-ness, I feel like I owe them all my life. I've even made a few friends that are willing to stay in my life and help me, no matter what situation, and with that level of compassion, I will always return the favor. Now I have more ways of contacting them than just this site. I can't even say how much that makes me happy. So if any of them happen to be reading this, I love you all and I can't thank you enough!

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May 27 2014, 03:21 PM

Bipolarity.. Not fun, and dangerous for the sake of others' friendships with you. I get it worse at night than at any other time of day. Anyone able to keep me okay and distracted from myself would be a hero to me, especially if they did it because they wanted to, not just because they know of my problem. I love anyone and everyone who is willing to be there for me because they love me too, whether in a friendly way, like a family, or even more. I'd still be happier to be me than ever and neverendingly grateful. But does such a person exist? I can't question myself, of course they do. I've met some before and would be more than happy to meet more, no matter the situation. I guess that's the reason lots of us join this site is to be accepted, and surrounded by people just like us who are more than willing to help. Good people everywhere, we just need to open our eyes and take chances, step outside our comfort zones and discover what real friends can do.

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May 26 2014, 06:14 PM

I never asked for someone to love me, or for someone to give me every waking moment of their time. All I ever asked for was someone to be there for me. I'm not fake, I never have been and never could be if I tried, cause even fake people never stay the same. I look back, trying to bring back friendships, counting 13 people who pushed me out of their lives. 13. That's an unlucky number, also, a number higher than what most people deal with. I just want a friend. A REAL friend, guy or girl, idc. I tell the attention seekers that I'm far from okay, and they don't believe me. So when I'm gone, maybe then, they might figure out I was telling the truth... Someone, help..

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Total Journal Entries: 18