May 30 2021, 10:37 PM

OK so... the site has been updated. It's ugly and it keeps crashing, it's literally unusable. The whole reason I came here was to feel like it was 2009 again and it was great. Like yeah, the old site wasn't the best, but that's what I liked about it. It felt like having a genuine 2000s experience. So... I'm just gonna leave. I'm not gonna delete my profile but I'm gonna probably take down my pictures and whatever information I have up and just quit. My Tumblr is @kandi-joneko if you still wanna keep in contact with me. Bye. <3

Feb 26 2021, 12:00 AM

DON'T READ THIS IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR SAD THINGS I'm so depressed right now, it's absolutely insane. First of all my dad keeps pushing me to think about my future career and how I'm gonna get enough points to have technically finished school or whatever, when all I really want to do is drop out and rot. I've given up on my dreams at this point, I'm way to autistic to get any sort of education and do any sort of job at all, and I'm NOT using autistic as a lame insult I genuinely need to get diagnosed but I can't because of the stupid plague!!! So that made me sad for the first half of the day, and it also got me thinking about how I'll never experience things. I'll never make real friends or go to an anime convention. I'll probably never even leave the country again. I'm just gonna decay in my room because that's all I deserve. I can't even work up the courage to even do the right thing and commit suicide, that's literally the most logical thing to do, I have no idea why it's so stigmatised like... society hates freaks like me people killed themselves is literally just modern natural selection. It's clear that society wants us dead anyway since they treat us like like absolute bog slime, oh school makes you feel like you're subhuman? Stay unemployed and starve! That's basically what they say. They should either execute us or let us die ourselves. It's only logical. Not to mention you don't produce as much methane and don't consume any products, literally so environmentally friendly!!! Anyway, what happened next... oh right. I realised I'm a different type of human. Like yeah, sure, I'm physically the same. But mentally I'm a subhuman cringe pile who isn't worth the air she breathes. Therefore I don't really deserve friends. I've never met people who I truly connected with. I think I find them online and even in real life sometimes, but it always ends up to be a false relationship based on LIES. I've never fitted in, and oh my ra I've always wanted to fit in so badly!!! But nothing I do works, not even being normal. So I might as well be weird. But whatever I do I am lonely. I'll never meet true friends. I'll never hang out at teh m4ll or do group cosplays with my scenie friends, I'll probably never get invited to another birthday party as long as I live. The worst part about being me is I'm still a child inside. But I can't be one in the way that I act. I'm too old for bouncy castles, no one will ever play pretend with me, no one will ever have the same bond with me that you have with your friends when you're like 6, all we do now is "hang out" and go shopping. Which is fine, but when are we going to paddle in streams together on a long walk through farmland meadows on a sunny day? When will we build tree houses together? When will we pretend to be wild animals, running around the forest bear footed? When does the real friendship come in? When?! I'm sick of having to alter my personality ever so slightly for each person I want to be "friends" with. When do I get to be me? When does the fun part of life start? Never. I'm just gonna sit on my bed all day on Tumblr remembering the past. I want to go back, to when I still had hope. To when happiness was still possible. To when I didn't seem all that alien because everyone was weird. Because we didn't learn not to be ourselves yet. I want to go home.