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So cut my wrists and black my eyes. My final breath is gone So I can fall asleep tonight Ohio Is For Lovers, by Hawthorne Heights

Emo Forums » Emo Poetry (Reply)

White_Shadow
Posts: 11
Stare (First Poem) May 17 2012, 05:44 AM
People Whisper and people stare To be honest I just don't care The scars on my arm will never fade Most of which you have made When I do it I feel pleasure So much so, it can't be measured The sound of the metal on my flesh The sight of blood so red and fresh It takes away all the pain At my expense, at my gain So go ahead and stare Because once again I Don't Care This is my first poem that i like enough to share, I would like feedback or thoughts on it please

Replies

Emo Pictures - Vybz
Vybz
Posts: 1466
May 17 2012, 07:32 AM
Not bad not bad at all; great for a first attempt. It's well written for the most part, sounds like a poem, has good rhyme and the rhythm was fairly clean.
Emo Pictures - Vybz
Vybz
Posts: 1466
May 17 2012, 07:37 AM
To maintain a good metre I would change the line " So much that it's impossible to measure" to "so much so, it can't be measured". I know it's free verse, but that line seems too long and prose-like it fits in well but its length kinda disrupts the flow of the poem.
White_Shadow
Posts: 11
May 17 2012, 05:53 PM
Thanks:) and yeah i noticed that the line seemed out of place being to long and all i just didnt know how to change:/ thank you for the advice:)
Emo Pictures - Vybz
Vybz
Posts: 1466
May 17 2012, 10:11 PM
Any time bro! Keep it up! :)
Emo Pictures - KatyLouiseSixx
KatyLouiseSixx
Posts: 5
May 18 2012, 05:44 AM
i loved it... i also write poetry and nothing i could write could compair to that....

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