Nov 16 2025, 03:42 PM

Emotional burden.

I apologize for my absence; A whole year without writing on this blog, oh gosh. I will not deny that today is a calm day. I was busy with my studies and also a bit reflective. I wanted to write down my thoughts again cuz I couldn't keep them to myself any longer.

I just wish I could DISAPPEAR. I'm still a kind person, even though I feel tormented inside... People see me as childish and immature for expressing what I really think... I've been trying to deal with my mental issues for a few months now, God only knows how many I have... I don't know, I haven't had the chance to see a psychologist or psychiatrist. You might think what I'm about to say is stupid, but I HATE being always being stuck at home. I'd like to have friends to go to the mall with, even if it's just sometimes. I don't always want to be cooped up, only when I'm doing my hobbies... I've never been pregnant, I don't drink, I don't even smoke or do drugs. They tell me that if I continue without a stable and healthy sleep schedule, I could have a heart attack... I don't drink energy drinks or coffee. I don't enjoy my daily life as much as I'd like, and I feel like I'm living in a dream world... Part of me doesn't care if I die soon... I also don't care that I've been somewhat pretentious; I rarely even use skincare or makeup. I've limited myself to the basics, and I don't care if my face looks like a zombie's with noticeable dark circles. I'm not going to hide it. It's not like I suffer from acne; people tell me I'm as pale as a vampire.

They still overprotect me to the point that it's completely annoying, and I'm only 21. I'm so ashamed to say my age and see that I'm still stuck in the same situation I was in as a young teenager. This still haunts me; I've even considered suicide several times. They've laughed and downplayed my thoughts, but what I know for sure is that I always have intrusive thoughts. They still see me as if I were about 14, so to speak, cuz they invalidate my decisions or opinions about everything. I've always wanted a normal life, one that my parents had planned before I was born. I never imagined ending up here.

A few months ago, I told my maternal family that I only wanted just study for a university degree and they agreed. I'm graduating in a few months, but yesterday they abruptly changed their minds and want to force me to get a degree in a field I don't want to pursue. I'm not passionate about it, and I'd be studying for another two or three years at a university I want to leave. I'm not interested in it, and they told me: "You're stupid and you won't have a future. You'll be a parasite rotting in bed, locked in a cold room, because you don't want to act now and keep studying. You've already wasted six months that you could have been doing something useful with your life, and for your mental health, you're not making the most of that time. Resign yourself to studying and studying; you're weak and lack willpower."

They have high expectations of me, but sometimes that overwhelms me. They deeply hated the idea of me becoming a minimum-wage employee, and to my face, my maternal family said they'd rather I be a "whore" than an average employee, since I don't want to finish my studies yet and get a degree in any field. It seems like too much pressure, and I want to go at my own pace. It's normal that I think sometimes about wishing for death every day, and I don't even have faith that I'll live to be 30 years old if I keep going like this. I feel forced, and when I used to genuinely enjoy my adolescence, it was cuz I would sometimes skip school without asking permission or thinking about the consequences for myself. I was happy, even though to others it was reckless rebellion. I still feel like my wings are tied with a rope of thorns that makes me suffer. What should I do? I feel suffocated...

For as long as I can remember, I've had the habit of pretending to fall asleep so they stop bothering me and insisting that I go to bed early and quickly, when it's really hard for me to fall asleep, and I'm a heavy sleeper. When they wake me up, they say... I pretend to be 'dead' as they say, but I resign myself to waking up when they pull my eyelids, cuz even if they shake me and throw me out of bed I won't wake up, although curiously I'm aware many times that they're going to wake me up but I still pretend to be asleep, just so they don't bother me... A few nights ago I had a lot of trouble sleeping, they forced me to go to sleep at 8pm and it wasn't until 12am that I was able to fall asleep, only to wake up at 6am... What a headache and I remember that I went to university without breakfast, cuz I wasn't even hungry after such a bad night.

I clarified that I not saying this to play the victim, but rather to vent, that I genuinely unhappy sometimes with my current studies. However, I sees that saying it out loud has caused problems, and my maternal family said: "So you're wasting almost three years of your life and our sacrifices, only for you to come here saying you're doing this university degree reluctantly and against your will, a degree we see will give you a stable future, unlike graphic design, where you'll starve." They told me that if I pursued what I wanted, I would be a failure to society and a financial and emotional burden...

They underestimate and minimize my emotions... I don't think it's immature to at least ask for some advice.

I apologize for the rudeness and bluntness of my text.

Nov 14 2024, 10:32 AM

It's still cloudy and rainy, that makes me think and reflect, about my actions and who I became, melancholy remembering those days when I was happy and I didn't know it, the month of November is special for me, apart because it's autumn, it was my late father's birthday at the end of November, which I remember was always a present, loving and kind father in life, although it's been 12 years since he passed away, I always keep my father in mind and try to be the best version of myself, so that he'll be proud.

Well it's cold I'll go get some hot chocolate, although a song that I remember my father loved was: Making Love Out of Nothing at All - Air Supply, it's a nice song really, although I prefer to recommend this song: November Rain - Guns N' Roses. 

Nov 13 2024, 11:15 AM

Well, the day has been quiet, I can say, although I don't know why I feel sleepy so early, I can't wait for Saturday to go out for pizza 🍕

Nov 09 2024, 01:39 PM

I woke up in a good mood for the first time this week, which I spent very overwhelmed and stressed by university, and the most ironic thing was that I woke up early without being forced to, hasn't it happened to you too?

Nov 08 2024, 12:11 PM

I don't know, but it's selfish to feel that I have the right to choose what I want for my life!

I ask this because my mother thinks that by getting me "a prince charming" she will be able to solve my problems, but what I need is a psychologist to talk to, and I also think that I am self-sufficient enough to make my own decisions.

I don't want to just be a submissive who gets chosen who to be with, that makes me angry.

Nov 07 2024, 10:17 AM

I don't know, yesterday I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, my student ID was torn, the university bus had left me, and I had to take the second bus, which left me at a stop there, because that bus was going in the other direction, I had to walk for about 20 minutes because there were no buses until I could take one, in order to have cash I had to ask a friend to lend me about $5 to go, before that a professor with whom I had a pending exam didn't let me leave early and I got into trouble, when I arrived I simply started crying when I got home, I had lunch and slept most of the afternoon.

Just a relief when writing this, because gosh I felt terrible yesterday, and today everything was calmer.

Nov 03 2024, 11:50 AM

Well, the mornings are still cold, and lately I have been feeling melancholy remembering what I longed for a while ago.

I won't deny that I miss people who were part of my memories, something I call special.

Did I do something wrong in taking my responsibilities more seriously than staying up late talking to friends? It's not that I wanted to get away, but I have duties to fulfill.

Do you think I distance myself simply because I want to, when it's not like that? I hope that one day I won't have these misunderstandings anymore, but it's just that I have a life too...

Nov 02 2024, 11:24 AM

Well it's still morning, Halloween has already passed, it's still a bit cold and I don't know why I woke up at 6am on a Saturday, I was thinking, the last thing I remember is my mother giving me some tea in the afternoon before I went to sleep, well I hope everything goes well for me today.

Lately I don't understand why, to be honest, and because of my lack of free time, some people have stopped talking to me, is that part of growing up or is it that people don't wanna know me anymore???

Oct 30 2024, 10:29 AM

Tomorrow is Halloween and I would like everyone to have a good time 🎃💜🍬♪

Oct 24 2024, 02:47 AM

I feel tired of repressing my emotions, sometimes I feel like it consumes me inside and affects me all that poison of resentment for actions that I would have liked to control, but although it sounds childish that they repress something as simple as going out with friends to the mall, without the accompaniment of a family member, it stresses me out already, I know I have Asperger's, but I'm not a stupid person either!

I HATE with all my being, having to live hiding that I go out from time to time without permission, without caring what my exaggerated mother says, instead of loving myself I sometimes feel a little harassed by her, I prefer to remain silent than to talk about what I have inside, I'm not a bad person, but I would like to be normal, that's a sin!

If you're reading this then I wanted to de-stress, I don't expect someone to play psychologist with me, but I would like someone who listens to me as a sincere friend.