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Emo lyricsScared to get close, but i hate being alone. I long for the feeling to not feel at all. The higher I get the lower I`ll sink. I cant drown my demons, they know how to swim.Emo song lyrics
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Emo Meet - London UK - August 2011

roxapoxa131's Journal

Total Journal Entries: 4

Nov 17 2013, 05:00 PM

Continuation of the last two Journals
With the ring around the rosy thing going on I was so lost in all of it. One second my cousin was with him and the next they were supposedly never getting back together, but everyone knew that within a little while they would be saying they loved each other.During that time, I still liked him and she broke up with him. Even though she broke up with him she told me that I couldn't have him, funny, right? Anyways, around the middle of 7th grade he FINALLY asked me out. I was so happy and everything was perfect again until the time that he got hurt. He stopped talking to me, he hardly ever hung out with me, and he avoided me non-stop. I tried to talk to him but it would always be cut short for some reason. He was the first guy I ever had say "I love you" to me and it broke my heart to see him ignore me like that. I felt useless. Along with that, he would walk home with his "Childhood friend" I called her little mouse because 1st of all she was a brat that thought she could get whatever she wanted and 2nd of all she kind of looked like a mouse in a way... I'm not trying to be mean but it was true. By the time the dance was going to come up he finally went up to me. He handed me a note by my locker on the top floor of the school and walked away fast. I knew what was coming. I never wanted to know. But I just knew that he was breaking up with me. The feeling had been in my gut for a while and I knew the note would hold the end of our relationship. I opened it up choking inside and not knowing what to do. Sure enough, when I read it I tore it up as tears fell down my face. I got up trying to hide it as I passed my best friends that had just come up the stairs and were getting me so that we could go to lunch. Of course they asked what was wrong and I had to tell them. For the rest of the day I was depressed as heck. I went up to a tree at recess alone and sat down crying. I hated love, I hated being there at that moment, and it sucked. I had a stupid blotchy face with snot running down and I must have looked uglier then I normally do. Then, of course, my bully came up. Decided to pick on me at the worst time, but thankfully my friends backed me up. At the end of the day I shoved a note into my ex's hand asking him why he broke up with me. He wouldn't answer me there. He said he would tell me later. The next day he handed me a note during lunch. One of my friends read it first and they thought I was going to cry. I read it and guess what? Sweet little roxapoxa131 was not sad anymore, she was pissed, she wanted to kill her ex. He had said in that stupid little note that he broke up with me because I couldn't make choices and that I was the reason he lost all of his friends. Now let me tell you this, I had told him at the beginning of our relationship that his friends hated me, that he may loose them because of me, and he told me that he would never break up with me for that. YEH FUGIN RIGHT YA WONT. I even told him when his friends would talk about him behind his back when we were together but he wouldn't listen to it one bit. So now that you can understand why I was pissed, guess what I did? I told all of my friends what he did. Everyone. I was about to make his world as miserable as he had made mine the day before. They gave him the death glare and you never ever want to get the death glare from my friends because they are loyal and they will protect me to no end if anyone hurts me. Lets just say he didn't have a good reputation with my friends after that. Guess what also? He was with little mouse the very next day. She was a total brat and she would yell at him for everything. I don't know if I can really say that he got all that he deserved. But anyways, I will continue this within another journal entry, bye

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Nov 17 2013, 06:56 AM

Continuation of the last Journal
I told him I loved him but my parents wanted me to break up with him. I told him that I really did care for him but there was no other way to get things to be right. I told him that I knew what he sent to my mom. He wrote back telling me that he was sorry for sending it to my mom. He begged me not to break up with him but... in the end... there was no other way. So, I broke up with him. It became a bit awkward when we went to school. We were still like best friends and we knew we liked each other still. Although..things changed within a little while. He started bullying my friends with his friends. I got together with this one other guy that I met at a park. He was the son of one of my parents friends. He seemed sweet. I think my ex was jealous of him because he could actually be with me and I think that was why my ex bullied my friends. Even so...even though my ex bullied my friends... part of me still cared for him and knew he was going through a hard time. Although I was with this other guy and I liked him a lot. It was a long distance relationship though, and within a year I knew something was wrong. He wasn't acting right when we went to the roller rink for my friends birthday party. I thought it was my make up because my sister had put eyeliner on me and I was afraid I looked like Dracula. He wouldn't talk to me, he wouldn't go near me, he wouldn't skate when I was on the skating rink. I ended up in tears and one of my friends took me to the bathroom. She told me that she would talk to him, that if he didn't talk to me he wasn't worth it. Then she did talk to him but... he wouldn't even skate with me when it came to the couples skate. I went home with one of my friends because it was a birthday party night. We talked all night about it and... I let out one of my worst secrets ever to her. I let out the secret that I did certain things that are not appropriate. No, I did not have the s word with someone if that's what your thinking, no, I don't drink, no, I don't smoke. Now, is when your asking what it is right? Well... its kind of awkward and I don't even know how to explain it in a way that will make it less awkward so.. I can't really say it. All you need to know, is that its something I should never do, and I felt very guilty for it. My friend has done the same thing too and that is why I told her. When I got home from the birthday party I went straight to the computer and typed in facebook because on the way to the sleepover part of the party my parents told me that my boyfriend had went to a dance with another girl. I guess you could say I kind of have a sixth sense because, I knew that wasn't all of the story even though I was in about seventh grade. I went to his dads facebook page and I scrolled down through his posts. Guess what I found? A post said that yes, my boyfriend did go to the dance with another girl AND he kissed another girl on the cheek. Now, you may be thinking that this wasn't a big deal, but for someone that had never even gotten a kiss on the cheek, and had the same boy tell her she was his fair maiden, it meant a lot. To me, it was a slap in the face. I had been dreaming for a kiss all my life, even if it was a kiss on the cheek, and that girl managed to get that kiss first. I wrote a letter, I wrote it a million times (in truth, probably about 20) just to get my heart poured out perfectly. I found myself saying, that if he was happy, then I was happy, and that I hoped they were happy together. I gave it to him the next time I saw him. It was a very long letter, so it took him some time to read. When he was finished he said that he wasn't with her, that she left him for a older guy, and that he was sorry he ever cheated on me. He wanted me back..so... me being me, I took him back. Within half the year, I noticed I was in constant fear that he might cheat again and then, I decided I really didn't want to be in that relationship. So I told him that I just wanted to be friends with him. That year another boy moved to my school. My mom had babysit him when he was young and I had been friends with him. I had a crush on him, but he ended up getting together with one of my cousins even though she knew I liked him. Now, I'm sure you all know those people that get together, break up, get together, break up, and it's like an endless loop of ring around the rosy right? Well that couple had mastered the ring around the rosy technique, and it went all the way from seventh to eighth grade in an endless loop. If you want to hear more about this "lovely couple" then read my next journal post.

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Nov 15 2013, 06:33 AM

Here is it, I'm going to try and tell the truth, the full truth, and if your one that does not like a long story, then I suggest you should turn around, and never read this entry again. If you want to know, then feel free to read through this fully, scan it, whatever you like, just don't judge me, and hurt me over what I have put up. Knowing the internet there may be some, or a lot, of you that will try to break me, ridicule me, and hurt me over things that have happened, but I am stronger then that and your words may only damage a small bit of my soul.
In kindergarten, everyone was friends in some way, sure, there were people you hated, and they hated you, but you always played with them at some point in time. Then you go back to first grade, and slowly, things were slipping apart. People were getting bullied. Me, my best friends and kindergarten, and the one that became one of my best friends last year were the few people to be picked on. This went up all of the way until high school pretty much, it got worse when I went into 5th grade. A boy would call me harry arms, monkey, and he would constantly torment me in home room. It got worse in middle school, where I had girls pushing me down, backing me up against lockers, and teachers not even daring to help other then lowering their grades. It was kind of the way for teachers to do nothing about it and yet still say they did. I was always sticking up for my friends, I even got almost punched in the face for it, and I was seriously considering fighting the b***h that was picking on my friend even though back then, I was the sweet little girl, never swore, always did as she was told, got bullied, but never spoke up unless my friends were getting hurt.
On went the bullying throughout the middle school years when a boy laughed at me when I cried because he was picking on me and I lost one of my childhood friends that year, he decided he was too good to hang out with me, and he was friends with one of the boys that bullied me. I had people constantly picking on me about how I supposedly slouched. I tried to hide the hurt and I guess my younger self should toughen up because there is a lot more to come in the future.
Now, is when I go back and time, and talk about boys, because believe it or not, they have a lot to deal with what I have went through, and I'm not being sexist when I say that because I will still talk to some guys but I am cautious. In third grade I had a "boyfriend" Some may say that it was puppy dog love, some may say that it was still counted, and I am still one of the few that counts that as a boyfriend. Anyways, we kind of broke up within only a few years because it was a long distance relationship. That is when fifth grade came around and I got a new boyfriend. This new boy had moved to my school and I had a major crush on him so I had my friend ask him out for me. It took him a while to give me a true answer, but I remember the exact moment he did. It was by the jungle gym. I smiled at him asking him what his answer was and finally he decided that he would be with me. It was amazing for a while, we were like best friends, but then one day, he told me that if we wanted to be in a relationship then we would have to hide it because his friends didn't like me. Me being in love with him said yes, and yes, I did say in love, I still love him to this day, no matter what he did to me. You can call me and idiot, or, you can call me a hopeless romantic. Choose your pick. Then came my birthday party where I ended up hugging him for the first time because I was hugging everyone that gave me a present. Before the party I remember having to go to his homeroom teacher to give the invitation because he was sick the day I was handing out invites. Anyways, after I hugged him, and we were alone he told me to never hug him again in public. It really hurt me, but I never showed it, I never said anything about it. Then came summer, I had no way of communicating with him because I didn't have a twitter. He ended up sending my mom a message saying very... unkind things to her about how she should let me get a twitter. My mom called me out on this and she told me that I was to choose if I broke up with him or not. It killed me inside, I knew the only choice I had was to break up with him because I knew my parents would hate me if I did not. Like I said, I had no communication in person, or the thing he usually goes on, I even tried to get his phone number, so, I had to write him on facebook. I know, that was a total stupid move to break up with him on there, but I had no other way to.
Now I will write more, but I will put that in a different entry because I need to go now. Bye

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Oct 24 2013, 08:48 AM

Today I am going to be going to a friends house and stay over night. Wish me luck so that I have a fun time lol. We are going to have a bonfire! <3 rar! Lol...sorry...that was me being random...I'll stop. Anyway's byebye.

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Total Journal Entries: 4