Emo Scene Community

Ive been through a lot. Not just in my love life, although its something i seldom talk about and frequently think about. Two years ago, this guy broke me. Ive been unable to mend the pieces he shattered me into, and underlyingly it always haunts me. Our whole relationship was pretty shallow. I met him at school literally two days before i was going into eating disorder day therapy. Well, thats when i first talked to him. I saw him alot around before and i always assumed he was sorta emo and cute because he wore that judas priest shirt with the box cutter on it all the time, even though he wasnt emo. Anyways basically he saw me wearing a metallica shirt, and went everywhere trying to find my number. He ended up getting it from my off/on bf (we were off) which was awkward on a whole other level. Anyways is that not the most shallow foundation of a relationship? Ok so skip ahead we started dating and i told him how i just stopped self harming and i was so worried he would freak out but he was calmly chill and stuff about it. He always told me how i need to get out of the hospital and that i dont have anorexia, and in a way he kinda helped me get through the treatment but he also stalled my self actualization. He would always talk about this friend he had in california and how awesome she is but i never really thought much about it, hes mine and im not the jealous type plus california isnt exactly right around the corner. So skip ahead and he was pissing me off a heck of a lot and i was done. Turns out he was romantically involved with this california girl the whole time. All i was was "the girl who was like the girl he loves but more convenient". He was fine with my self harm and stuff because the girl he liked dealt with that, i was LITERALLY her replacement. Thats not even the part that makes me hurt. Together they were so rude to me. They would write terrible things on any social media possible. She would make my life a living hell because she was so worried and insecure i would steal him, which i would never. He would tell her everything i told him in the past about my recovery and personal stuff, and she would post it online and tell people about it. And through it all i had to see them write eachother love letters and be so happy and stuff. I had to start taking a different path to school bc walking my usual way and possibly seeing him made me uncomfortable. And im not like that at all. Ive had boyfriends after him, lots of boyfriends in fact, but i havent been able to care and feel for them like i did before he came into my life. I think i didnt realize how bad he fucked me over for so long because i didnt care. It was fine for me, but i dont want it to be like that. I dont want to be that girl who was broken by a guy when she was 15 and never recovered. Its not that im not over him, im completely over him. I broke up with him, hes an ass. I just wish that he didnt treat me so bad and that i wasnt broken bc of him. And the worst part is, im so goddamn jealous of their happiness. They are scum and i know it, but dammit why do they have to be so happy and in love while im slowly dying and i have nobody? Theyre engaged and the happiness isnt going to last but dammit, i wish i could love again.