Emo Scene Community

I doubt people will know how to help me and i'm quite sure everyones quite sick of my complaining but I wasn't sure what to do, this will Encompass alot of my problems because I feel like I need to put them out somewhere or they'll overwhelm me, I know I don't really have any but i'm so weak, I'm also insane. If you do not wish to read this wall of Text skip all the way down to the bottom where I ask Direct questions Mind most of this will be very fractured and Individual and thats because I feel rather fractured while writing this, and be warned it shall be Novel length because i'm terrible at explaining things. Current issue: at the end of this day I shall have no access to the internet, and I shall be home with my brother until the *Monday*. the problems with this is this particular brother bully's me and has threatened to kill me on numerous occasions including pulling a knife on me. also I can't handle being alone and having nobody to talk to anymore, I don't want to be locked in with my thoughts as it warps me and my Ideals/views and I fear i'll end up turning into a Schizophrenic or atleast be taken over by Paranoia and Anxiety. I can no longer distract myself with the mind numbing games i've played 1000's of times, they just aren't engaging or real enough for me any more and I feel trapped and I don't know what to do with myself. I just don't feel safe or well being so Isolated, i'm weak, I can't handle this anymore. Ongoing: I need help re-engaging with life, i'm so trapped in my house and I don't know how to get out, I've wanted to live in my own Flat or w/e since I was 15 but I just didn't know how to do it and I don't have any real friends or ways to communicate anymore and I'm not going anywhere in life but i'm still getting older and I feel it's becoming too late for me to live. I've been afraid to look the way I've wanted since I was 12 because I was afraid everyone would call me a try-hard and poseur or just a desperate loser seeking attention and it's overwhelming me, I can't get passed what I fear others will think, I feel trapped with the way i've looked because it's the way everyone percieves me, and If I become what I wish they'll just say I changed to fit in. I don't handle criticism well and theres no way I see past it. all's I've wanted for so long is to just disappear and start over life again I hate what i've become and I don't know how to re-begin, I stopped existing at the age of 11 and I haven't matured since, I don't relate to anyone anymore, everyones done shit and experienced that and nobody wants to hang out with a boring old sod who doesn't know anything about anything. most of the time i'm trapped within my mind, the only release i've found is talking on here, it's so overwhelming I can never get it to stop, My mind is always thinking 24/7. it's really bad when I don't know what to do or i'm not motivated enough to do anything, I just lay on my bed and slip into a strange conscious state where I lose focus on everything around me, every day I spend alone I find it harder to discern reality from fantasy, especially when i'm in these Trance-like states. I'm not sure if it's a coping mechanism i've developed but It's something I can no longer handle. It's rather funny but i'm Overwhelmed with NOTHING, I can't handle the nothingness anymore, I don't feel, I don't do, I just exist. it's really hard for me, some of the music I listen to I found the only way to feel anything and even thats not really working anymore. I feel so hollow all the time. I hate everything about myself but this isn't really a problem I need fixed, rather the result of other problems that I haven't. I could use help with my Anxiety aswell but not many people here have it, I always feel sick. I'd almost consider my anxiety an eating disorder, after every meal I feel incredibly sick for 4-12 hours. My throat feels like it's closing and I get chronic indigestion problems and extreme pains in my upper and lower abdomen. I avoid eating when I can and I have an extreme case of Hypochondria, I fear allergies and all that nonsense. It usually takes me around an hour to drink one glass of water and you'll find me finishing half my dinner when I eat it and still end up spitting most of it out because it doesn't go down. as I said up there, I find myself repulsive in every single way. I don't think I have depression but I don't really know, and i'd rather not talk to a professional about it. I ran out of time to type more as my mums about to leave and I shall be stuck with no internet. this will probably be extended later. 1. How do I get past my anxiety and motivate myself to do anything 2. How do I re-engage with other humans and put myself back into Society. 3. If you can't really think of a way to help me, or you think i'm well beyond help or maybe you think i'm just useless then tell me how to work up the courage to end myself Wow I went pretty Nuts on Friday, sorry guys for this post, If you want it deleted please ask.