Emo Scene Community

Warning; mention of self harm and suicide. I don't want to encourage this. Stay strong Hi everyone I used places like this regularly for years, from about the age of 14 to 17 I was on antidepressants, saw a doctor, councillor and psychotherapist 3 times a week, depended on websites like this to make me not feel alone. I couldn't cope with life. I hadn't been taught how to deal with my emotions. My mother is abusive, drinks too much, all her benefit money going towards alcohol left us without food and heating. I was a serial self harmer. Every single day for years I cut myself in the morning and at night to help me sleep. I burnt, suffocated and hit myself. I hid this from everyone until my mother found out about my self harm. She was not sympathetic, she'd tell me to get over it, that I didn't have the right to be depressed, Just before I turned 17 I attempted suicide. I cut my arms ( I still have incredibly bad scars) and took a large quantity of pills. I vomited and passed out. Obviously it didn't go according to plan. I woke up in the ambulance on the way there, completely out of it. The doctor said I was incredibly close, I almost damaged my liver to no repair and had to stay in hospital to fight infection. I again attempted suicide a few months later and was placed in a psychiatric ward at a hospital. After this I went to live with a different family member which improved my quality of life.Life has improved. In the two years since my suicide attempt I have gotten a job, my own house, study at college and a loving partner. I was so happy. I'm not clinically depressed anymore. But I hate my job, I come home crying most nights, same with college. I'm studying something I hate and I can't change. My house is not how I'd like it. My partner does not understand my mental illness or the Idea that I can feel down sometimes. I am so stuck in a rut of never being happy. Nothing makes me truly happy anymore and it scares me. I get brief thoughts of suicide, hurting myself. It's so easy to fall back into that when it's all you've known. I've fought so hard to get to this point and it feels like I'm falling back. I've went well over a year with no therapy or medication or self harm. My family didnt think I had any right to be depressed back then, they'll defenetly think I wont have a right now. I guess I've felt so isolated. So weak. I can feel it because I'm getting to that stage where I don't want to look after myself, I don't want to eat, I haven't been to college in weeks. I so truly believe that other people can beat this, that they are strong. But I can't, I have no ambition. I'm scared. And coming back to these places that I relied on so heavily makes me feel so quilty. I don't even need someone to tell me it's going to be okay, I know that it can be hard and you are all already struggling with so much. I just needed to get it all out