Sep 30 2025, 02:16 AM

˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧

𝖧𝖺𝗋𝗆𝗈𝗇𝗒. 𝖴𝗇𝗂𝗈𝗇. 𝖧𝖾𝖺𝗅𝗂𝗇𝗀. 𝖡𝗈𝗇𝖽𝗂𝗇𝗀. 𝖠𝗊𝗎𝖺 𝖦𝖾𝗆 𝖶𝖺𝗋𝗆𝗇𝖾𝗌𝗌. 𝖲𝗎𝗀𝖺𝗋 𝖨𝗇 𝖬𝗂𝗅𝗅𝗂𝗈𝗇𝗌 𝖮𝖿 𝖳𝖺𝗌𝗍𝖾. 𝖢𝗈𝗅𝖽 𝖡𝖾𝖼𝖺𝗆𝖾 𝖭𝗈 𝖬𝗈𝗋𝖾. 𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗘𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝗦𝗼 𝗦𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗰𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗠𝗲. 𝗕𝗮𝗹𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲𝗱 𝗺𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝗯𝗹𝗮𝗻𝗸𝗲𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝗺𝗲 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝘀𝗼𝘂𝗹. 𝗛𝗶𝗱 𝗺𝗲 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗹𝗱 𝗯𝗲𝗰𝗮𝘂𝘀𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘄𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗮𝗹𝘄𝗮𝘆𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗺𝘁𝗵 𝘀𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗰𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗲. 𝖮𝖼𝖾𝖺𝗇𝗌 𝗈𝖿 𝗇𝗎𝗋𝗍𝗎𝗋𝖾𝗆𝖾𝗇𝗍 𝗐𝗁𝖾𝗋𝖾 𝗉𝖾𝖺𝖼𝖾 𝗎𝗉𝗈𝗇 𝗆𝖾 𝖻𝖾𝗀𝖺𝗇. 𝖤𝗍𝖾𝗋𝗇𝖺𝗅 𝗌𝗅𝗎𝗆𝖻𝖾𝗋 𝖿𝗈𝗋𝖾𝗏𝖾𝗋 𝖺𝗌 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝗁𝗈𝗅𝖽 𝗆𝖾. 𝖠𝗇𝗑𝗂𝖾𝗍𝗒 𝗏𝖺𝗇𝗂𝗌𝗁𝖾𝖽 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝖿𝖾𝖾𝗅𝗂𝗇𝗀𝗌 𝗈𝖿 𝗌𝖾𝖼𝗎𝗋𝗂𝗍𝗒 𝗂𝗇 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝗏𝖾𝗋𝗒 𝖺𝗋𝗆𝗌. 𝖶𝗂𝗇𝗍𝖾𝗋 𝗂𝗇 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗆𝗂𝖽𝗇𝗂𝗀𝗁𝗍 𝗈𝖿 𝖺 𝗌𝗇𝗈𝗐𝗒 𝖿𝗈𝗋𝖾𝗌𝗍 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝖾𝗒𝖾𝗌 𝖺𝗋𝖾. 𝖥𝗈𝗋𝖾𝗌𝗍 𝖨 𝖺𝗆 𝗐𝗂𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗇 𝗐𝗁𝗂𝖼𝗁 𝗂𝗌 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝗌𝗈𝗎𝗅 𝗐𝗁𝖾𝗇 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝗌𝗎𝗋𝗋𝗈𝗎𝗇𝖽 𝗆𝖾 𝗐𝗂𝗍𝗁 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋𝗌. 𝖲𝗈𝖿𝗍𝗇𝖾𝗌𝗌 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝖼𝗈𝗆𝖿𝗈𝗋𝗍. 𝖶𝗁𝗂𝗌𝗉𝖾𝗋𝗌 𝗈𝖿 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝗏𝗈𝗂𝖼𝖾 𝖼𝖺𝗅𝗆𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗆𝖾. *𝖱𝖾𝗅𝖺𝗑* *𝖲𝗁𝗁𝗁...* *𝖲𝗅𝖾𝖾𝗉*. 𝗜𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗺𝗼𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁 𝗜 𝗮𝗺 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁. 𝗔 𝘁𝘂𝗻𝗻𝗲𝗹 𝗼𝗳 𝘀𝗼𝗿𝘁𝘀 𝘄𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗽𝗶𝘁𝗰𝗵 𝗯𝗹𝗮𝗰𝗸 𝗴𝗿𝗶𝗽𝘀 𝗺𝗲 𝗮𝘀 𝗜 𝘄𝗮𝗹𝗸 𝗳𝗼𝗿𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱. 𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗮𝗶𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗳𝗼𝘂𝗹 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆 𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗽 𝗵𝘂𝗿𝘁𝘀. 𝗜𝘁 𝗶𝘀 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘄𝗵𝗼 𝘄𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗰𝘂𝗲 𝗺𝗲. 

˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧

Sep 29 2025, 11:42 PM

I'm still here. Yesterday I was lazy, tired and watching the protest. Today I'm feeling a little special like I don't deserve it. No girlfriend dreams though. Sometimes I just wonder am I getting it all wrong? Living a lie or maybe I'm just wising up to awakening levels. Accustomed patterns turn into math equations you figure out. Being free in your own mental realms. Waves of passage but you go nowhere unless you dive deeper into your inner core. Feeling special in a gloom day because of the weather. None of it matters because you know the clouds will go away eventually and what's left is a clear vision of the blue. But this time I will not leave this website. Even if no one reads these. Matter of fact I just get more ambitious for the dream to come true that I possess it from Matt. I have no personal problems with the guy and I can tell he's a very intuitive person so when he reads something like this he could feel threatened when really I dream of having a machine that will gift me blessings of my kind of women. 

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 I know this sounds wild but I am wild. it wouldn't be some generic dating site nothing even in that category but I obsess over being godly at networking between people and having an engine to allow results to prosper. Three years ago I scored huge on a beautiful Swedish girl. It happened so abruptly I was confused at first but unfortunately it didn't work out. But it just proves my theory of just persisting with my journals and my inner working of imagination. Please consider me odd and weird. I will be nice and respectful but I know what I know when it comes to girls. Okay that sounds pretty egotistical *giggles* but trust me I'm not the Elliot Rodger type I just have been fucked over constantly. That's why soulmatism exist. It doesn't define girls or boys. It's a spiritual event when your other part comes into view, into your life. So when I speak of such tactics of how I would run a website like this, it's not out of malicious intent. Even when I get blessed with my babes of unusual nature I will have it open for others out of my harem circle so the community grows onward. I'm fucking crazy and I hope Matt doesn't start monitoring me LOL. Bro would probably think I'm on drugs or someshit but I would dump loads of money on this dude if I was rich. Some asshole would look at me and say $1,000,000 is a retarded amount but they don't understand I need my emo, yandere, babes dudes. That mediocre shit isn't my style. I need some bitches that make me blush at every second. Freaky and creepy type bitches. 

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I need them to be crazy and emotional roller coasters. But I know people will read this shit and be like "LOL you're wasting your time this website is a dinosaur LOL, bro you're trolling yourself" I DO NOT CARE, again I DON"T CARE! Because once I start bagging some babes that would shop at Spencers you will feel silly. Also I know Matt wouldn't allow this but I permit bullying me. If you bully me, you should get a pass from Matt 100%. dude I've been bullied my whole life, at this rate I get all pent up and red in the face because it makes me feel special in away where attention is placed upon me. Because guess what I'll do if you choose to bully me. I'm just going to troll and act silly. I also like being bullied by girls. Even if I was the site owner I would permit bullying if it's only me while spearing my emo girlies. Dude when people read this shit they will think I'm unhinged but I don't care. I'm so broken but also full of colors. I shine so bright honey. 

I know that day will come. Dreams dance in the sky and when they are ready they will come down to touch the grass. 

Sep 28 2025, 03:40 AM

As much as I would want to expel my grievances with my mother. In this moment I choose not to since I'm trying to be on a brighter imagination. I will say this though. Today was nothing short of her now routine delusions. Thursday was her abrupt nature. Friday was my confrontation toward her and her narcissism. Today was her delusions about the imaginary affair that my dad is having. Get this. Now she is riling up this poor girls advisory former co-workers. She's telling them about the imaginary affair and of course with their hatred toward this girl, they are believing the shit since they want to have ammunition. There was a video of her showing up to my dad's job causing a scene and yesterday she was gas lighting me about the possibility of incriminating her in court. First, I don't want to show up to court once the divorce process goes down. Second, there is already incriminating evidence of her with a video that everyone saw of her doing what she did. And then she's threatening to do it again! What a fucking idiot my bitch of a mother is. I know I said I wouldn't talk about this in the entry but fuck it. I can't wait when there is peace in this house again. She is full of fire and hatred. You see it in her eyes when she's angry. It's darkness and a void. No mother at all. To be honest I have thought about putting her down but I know it's not something I should be thinking about. But she has put me through so much when I was growing up with the drinking, the fighting, the violence in her manner toward me. She has done this to my two half brothers causing them both to snap in times of this hell she provokes. Sometimes I just want to just fucking hit my mom. Punch the fucking hell out of her, knock her teeth out, and kick her while she's down. This is how much she causes fury inside me. But I have found ways to find peace now that I'm older but it's be harder, so much harder because she just keeps going and going. Put her in the ground and not deal with it anymore but I know it's not worth it. Oh and I have been around girls that have fucked up parents, some saying the same shit I say. So to me saying this wild shit is nothing. I've said it before and they said it more. 

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I will leave it at that for now because I'm only getting more fucked up as I continue to think about her. Thoughts and imaginations of my soulmate calms me. She helps me sleep and heal. I have just been strained so much from these dark periods of cold and loneliness. I see girls on other sites that are as intense as me but reaching out wouldn't be worth it since I just want one to say the first words to me with a cute emoji. Suffering together would be better than what's going on now. I just want to be held, but this reality of mine just doesn't permit it. Florida held me firm but when I left it was back to what I have to deal with. So once I'm held by her, I'm at peace and away from scorn. Cuddle me. Hold me. Do it forever. Eyes of any color that make me feel the warmth like a cinnamon cake in the early days of foliage. Bright mind that takes me to the blue void when the cold hushes the clouds away in their white cloaks. You make me blush. This dimension leaves for a time while we are in these golden moments. But you my dear, no colors could beat you. Imprison me away into your world, through away the key. You don't have to be goth or wear anything but you do it to tease me with role plays and tingles of your design. I just wonder when will nights like this one end? Anxiety be washed away and just warmth and softness of your soul takes me away even in cold nights. 

Sep 27 2025, 06:02 AM

To the great celestial. Why is this realm so cold? Oh I am very unhinged. But I do not hear voices. But if my future soul mate yandere babe hears voices that's okay. I forgot to mention I'm into creepy chicks. You know the kind that creeps you out? Overly obsessive, overly clingy, gives me more attention that I can handle. Dude I'm on this website saying this and I'm blushing. I don't belong here LOL I'm not even emo but fuck this modern internet shit. it's terrible. Okay, calm down. Okay I'm okay but yeah. Oh yes. I feel so warm thinking of her. Blushing so much, giggling to myself, the imagination of her. Oh by the way I've been bullied so much I embrace it so if someones like "dude wtf is wrong with you, you're fucking crazy bro go outside" I won't care, I would just *blush*. Bullies are just whatever anymore. Okay I need to calm down I keep just going in different directions. ..... Back to the poetry. Yes, my dear yandere. Your warmth is my safety and security. The things you do, the little things that make me blush and giggle. Every time you hold me, when I wake up, you scare away my anxiety. When the words "I love you" fall into my ear I become weak and vulnerable. Your mental mind is so beautiful. Don't worry if you freak me out, deep down I love it. Sex can't compete with this sweet tenderness you would give me. Yes I will get boners but please just hold me as funny as that sounds. Read me your dark secrets and show me your fucked up drawings. Show me your ritual shrine and the knives you collect. Chase me like a monster under the moonlight during the midnight. Play with me in every way (not just sexually) but videogames, a game of tag, roleplay with me. Oh yes!!! Matter of fact just tie me up, whisper wild things into my ear about how you won't let me escape. I'm falling sleep typing this out. I just wanna die. Maybe I'm just tired. Fuck me I'm tired. So hurt, I hate this. I'm crashing down. That girl I met on here that one time. The girl I met that lived 45 mins away from me by luck. The recent girl that screwed me over. I hate her so much. She cry bullied me so hard. But my yandere babe will be mentally unhinged and beautiful. Oh she makes me go crazy when I think about her. Please exist. Please exist. If and when Matt comes across this he might think about questioning me. Matt doesn't understand bro I'd buy this site if I was rich. Bro would be so happy. The shit I would do for this site. I have a buddy of mine who's very smart and wise and would help me manage it. But what the fuck I'm falling asleep. Oh future gf yandere. *kisses* I'm dying come save me, be my hero. My should I said *blushes* m...m... m... mo... mommy?!?!?! HAHAHAHA fuck me.... I'm so fucked. 

Sep 27 2025, 05:03 AM

The words "grow up".
My mother has fallen far from herself. The Narcissism exposed in her manner, the treatment toward my well-being, & lack of will power under the same roof. Today after such great deal of anger and infuriating dealings of my job mostly pertaining to those in my crew. The mother of mine asked of me to give her sticks of despair as I would call them. The foulness and plumes. Hell would beat it's own drum in hopes of out beating this cancer. With my decisions of not including such provocative substances in my life I was mocked and disrespected at the store of where I purchased them. A women in peril of her own demise mocking me for I do not do such thing, exhaling foulness into the air. Her words "shorts" as the other employee hissed in amusement. The disrespect. Ghetto, no sense of cordial. When I come home I am justified to lay down my words of my mothers lack of providing any help in the food supply of the house. The excuses, finger pointing, shaming, impulsive mind & past referencing. Blaming me for my financial situation. Covering for her destructive nature of taking 700 dollars for her license because she feels stuck that she threw away the privilege of driving due to her self control issues of the past. Her excuse for why she can't spare $100 dollars for groceries after my $300 provisions toward the house. The excess works and labor to earn my keep. She tells me that there is those bricks of noodles as if this is what I earn for my loyalty and provisions. Today my mother only went away more from my heart for she is prideful and ignorant. If not ignorant she is refusing to accept the logistics from the words of her own flesh and blood. Oh brother I cried to him who is in the celestial. I wept and sobbed in the corner oh yes I did. How could I utter mother? Anymore, now and so on? When this is the colors on display. And then telling me to "grow up". I have done so already. Eating the very foulness of people. The system. Leaving problems at the door when walking into work. Paying in currency for I received in my owness. Yet when I had the grand opportunity to be free away from the cogs and gears of life. When I was 14. On the path to success my mother did not support me in my dream. The first paycheck I was given was $900. Not from a 9 to 5. From the world I was building and my mother did not allow me to drop out of indoctrination school as I would argue it was. For the bullying, the friendships that were never for I was judged and my "best friends" threw me away. Teachers targeted me. High School for me was pain and agony. My mother failed in my dream that was in the works and another "best friend" failed me when we were working together causing my dream to be eternally crushed because of his actions. And on this day my mother for who she was became never more on. Fading in simpler terms. How could she? Calling the police on me and my father? Running us into madness after we gave her special patience? It's the whole worlds fault but her own. Through out my life so far I take accountability. For her that doesn't matter. She blames. When I mentioned suicide she told me to go on. Her own son for who she mentally deteriorates, just gets told "go on". Millions of godly sentences I want to compose in minutes for how I feel. Anger, hatred, fear. Because of her. When I was a white angel that she ripped the wings from. Change they say. My lens have new colors. Perspective changed. For the hurt and suffrage upon me by the very people I have entrusted in my life. The women who have wronged me in so many ways. Oh great night I tell you. Bless me with the soul mate who is the other half of me for I bleed. Free is not even the word for it. Paradise can't reach me anymore as it used to. Heavenly and beyond is what I can comprehend with my heart better. Oh so dear soulmate. I want to fall. Allow me to fall into you so I can begin to heal my dear. 

Sep 25 2025, 10:49 PM

• I'm slowly developing mommy issues.
  From what I have been dealing with since the beginning of August, it's difficult to begin anywhere in any of it. But for certain my mother is a Narcissist. I have read a book about the mental illness and even with extensive knowledge on the subject I can't tell you what kind it is because all four intertwine with one another. I do know for certain it is vulnerable since her emotions sway to extreme lengths during normal interactions between me and my father. When her toxic traits are exposed and brought up during the wrath she pulls on me and my father, she completely shuts down or gets more angry. Her excessive pride, self center, it's always somebody else bullshit fucking would make me snap. And there were times I didn't let it get to me. But lately it's worse than ever. It's as if she is the shell of her former self and pushes me away when I'm nice. Another thing is her habit of imaging things that aren't happening. Because of such delusions she has caused reckless arguments & fights. Embarrassing me and my father. having the cops be called ON US EVEN THOUGH WE WERE CALM AND COLLECTED UNTIL SHE CAUSED US TO SNAP. Like dude, she fucking runs my patience and my father's so fucking thin dude. We work bullshit jobs, long hours, under paid and over qualified, we deal with bullshit customers and co-workers and we come home to being treated like absolute shit. She doesn't cook or help get food. Yes she works hard but she does not contribute to the refrigerator. I buy food and cleaning products and so does my father. She smokes excessively. She listens to this bullshit gospel music that makes me want to rage at how fucking obnoxious it is. She convinced herself and is still convinced that my dad is fucking this 28 year old girl with 5 kids even though she has been proven countlessly that no such thing has occurred. SHE WENT TO THE ER BECAUSE SHE WAS CONVINCED SHE CONTRACTED AN STD FROM MY DAD AND CAME BACK NEGATIVE. Guys I know this is fucking crazy to read but on my dead fucking brother this is not even a level under the iceberg of bullshit I have had to put up with in the past TWO FUCKING MONTHS. She has caused me so much anxiety. Before vacation she was convinced we were meeting people because I decided to take my car to help my dad navigate with an RV. I remember the night I rubbed her shoulders because she was in pain. Do you know what she said to me? "You're not fooling me" then PUSHED ME AWAY!!! Because we were telling her that we weren't meeting people. Then she blames my dad for not calling a lawyer to help her with the DUIS she caused because she was a massive alcoholic. Dude I have stories upon stories of the abuse I went through and my half brothers. But with the lawyer shit, my dad gave her the list of DUI lawyers, he was going to help her but because he didn't call them for her she's angry and hateful over it. Like, YOU HAVE TO CALL THE LAWYER ITS YOUR FUCK UP FOR DRINKING & DRIVING. My mom can be a real fucking piece of shit I swear. Today we get home right.My dad gets in, I'm on the computer like I am now. Wanna know what she does? Because she can't stand my dad when he sits down to eat. She gets up from the couch that she been sitting on all fucking day because she is lazy, stomps to the kitchen and back, then STARTS SLAMMING SHIT!!!! LIKE WTF IS YOUR PROBLEM BITCH???? She can't stand my dad, and when they get a divorce I'm with my dad, she can go fuck herself with the way she treats us. It's hard to say that she is my mother sometimes but my dad seems to be the only parent anymore in my life because he's always bending over backwards for me and I appreciate the shit out of him for that. But man, my mother dude. I fucking hate her on so many days. There are some days where she is a mother but dude like today, she can eat shit and go fuck herself. She refuses to seek professional help. She blames everyone else and yes her family is fucked up dudes. Her parents, cousins, aunts, fucking terrible people. They act like all of the money they get in this world is something they will get to take with them when they die. I need to go relax but eventually when I get back to this site I will write more. 
  
  But for my future sweethearts that flirt with me or say nice things and make me blush. I could always use the sweetness you give in words. I get so fucking angry and I just need some beautiful souls to calm me down. 

Sep 24 2025, 08:31 PM

I was once bullied over this on another website. People get off to kicking you down over stupid shit like this.
There was a girl that crushed on me in Elementary School. We did this secret valentine thing where a secret valentine would give their crush a gift. Something sweet and short. Without me putting it together because I was 6 at the time, the girl I'm referring to picked me and gave me a stuffed green frog with hearts on it. She made me blush and it freaked me out because my brain didn't understand what affection was. But that day was something extraordinary when I look back at it now as an adult. But throughout my time in school we always had separate classes so we never really followed through with any of the friendship and again I was freaked out by girls showing their affection toward me because I wasn't on their level of maturity. Today I'm so torn up about it because while sitting in peace her existence moved me to check her Facebook. She never posts hardly ever. My loneliness causes me to gravitate toward certain behaviors like checking this girls facebook every so often. The last time we spoke in real life was in gym class when I made her laugh when I spiked a ball at a wild speed and when it hit the ground it was loud causing some people to look at me like what the fuck was wrong with me. She laughed and said something I can't remember. The last I saw her was when I was on the way home for a slushii and she worked at this gas station. She was as beautiful as she always was but I was shy and kept to myself. A few years ago I grew the balls to leave her a contact note and apology letter for our separation of friendship in her mail box one night and I guess she just doesn't care. She has ever since moved to another state and keeps to herself. I guess she needed to get away from her dad because he was a shitty dad. But also doesn't want to be bothered which I can't blame her for. But if I could just hold her I would even if it was for one night. I was blessed with romance, a relationship, and communion with a soul even before I could possibly compute this conception of reality. Her I am years later on a day like this where I'm going through hell in real life kind of depressed at how we came to be without. My love life has been nothing but failure. With one ex-girlfriend that is now happily married that I'm good friends with but other than her out of the 8 others I have been fucked over. This one girl I can't stand and hate for how she treated me and another female friend infuriated the shit out of me. We gave her a safe place to be and she just threw us away after our patience with her nonsense. And when I called her out for her hateful nature toward her own friends people got on her case about it. She didn't even have the balls to talk to me, she literally blocked me on a burner because she just couldn't face the music. This women broke me in so many ways and my good female friend is so fucked in the head from her shitty past, she can't even sense any emotion from humans doing her wrong like this bitch did both of us. So when I look back at a girl like the one I met from the beginning of school, it just fucking destroys me at levels. Wakes me up from peace to float me in chaos.