May 01 2025, 12:51 AM

is it weird that uh every time i'm shopping or at the store or have a choice over multiple different things I always choose the weirdest thing? like idk I just feel bad like its different an alone.

May 01 2025, 12:46 AM

all the things I could have done, if my parents were just parents, all of the sports I wanted to do, all the clubs and groups I wanted to be in, the after school dances an the friendships an memories I could have built and the donuts with dad days, they were all impossible because you'd rather shoot up ur arm then give me any time of day, you'd rather choose drugs an lust an unrealistic love with terrible men over your own children, why'd you have me then? why'd you think you were ready? now I have to live with regret an now once was ur problems are now my problems I have to live with and deal with to a day to day basis, why? I feel so empty an incomplete.

Apr 30 2025, 10:44 AM

Apr 30 2025, 12:19 AM

just thinking an people don't really care about you if your a bad person, which makes sense but knowing that then why do you do bad things? why do you have such a cruel mindset? if u think about it no one would really care that much if u died, an maybe some people would feel relief, so why do bad things? why say hateful stuff? for what reason? there's never enough people in ur life to love you, do you really love urself that much? or do you really just hate yourself that much? either way it still makes no sense, r u bored? was the world unfair to you? still why? I don't understand.

Apr 30 2025, 12:14 AM

I feel like typing my problems is better then writing my problems, unlike my journal my online journal will get lost in the internet an it wont be stuck with me, idk I feel more comfortable, maybe bc im scared of getting my room raided for no reason (thanks bre) it feels more secure here.

Apr 29 2025, 11:41 PM

I hate that I cant regulate my emotions unless I hurt myself or when I'm on medications. and when I'm on my medications no one is responsible enough to pick up my meds an I would if I could but I cant because I'm a minor an I don't have a license like, then i have these terrible withdraws, God why does no body care enough? I really fucking hate this house an I strongly dislike who I'm fucking living with. shes a narcissist an she guilt trips people and gas lights them an uses people for her own benefit an then bring them down when their no use to her or what she wants, its so sickening to live with someone like that, she always complains how no one talks to her anymore but its because the way she treats people, an I've tried comforting her an tell her that some of the things she says an does to these people are the outcome of them not feeling comfortable or important enough to reach out to her, I remember when I told her my child hood befriend tried to kill herself an I wanted to stay the night with her bc like who wouldn't do that? an shes like a sister to me I known her since I was a baby, an she said "Oh so maybe I should kill myself an people would come by more often" with a snarky an sarcastic tone, like r u fucking serious?! YOUR JOKING RIGHT!? how can you have no remorse or sympathy an only think of ur self in that moment!!??? R U KIDDING?!! this is why no one wants to be around you at all. God I feel bad for the few people that have to be in her presence at all (including me) yeah I feel bad for myself because I know I'd be way better if I didn't have to live with her, but I have no choice because I have no parents an my siblings aren't in a stable household to take me in, an it shouldn't be their burden to carry anyways, I remember when me an her got into a vocal fight one day (I was js trying to do my chores) she snapped at me because I asked if she could wait a min so the floor can dry, an it was this whole thing she blew out of proportion like a crazy women, she kept calling me a bitch and that she understands why my sister abused me an she said shed do the same thing, an then she kept saying I was controlling ? I always ask from her an I never demand anything from her because that's not the type of person I am, an I also have to take care of her, she doesn't appreciate me at all. but anyways moving back to the argument topic um yeah she did all that an threw the mop bucket water at me an said a bunch of horrible things to me an I just told her to leave me alone an I kept saying "please stop" an that's when she called me a bitch an walked away to her room an that's when I yelled at her that shes the main reason why I cut myself, an she is apart of the reason but not the main reason I guess I just said that to make her feel bad for how she treats me, but yeah she didn't say anything she js kept walking, the next day she knocked on my door with my favorite drink an chips an she kept saying she loved me an she kept hugging me, like what... why do I have to tell u that I hurt myself because of you just so u can finally say that to me an hug me?? like you feel bad because I said that... you should have felt bad beforehand like you always treat me like trash? like someone you hate? an I get a switch up in return? like god I cannot wait till I build my credit so I can move out of this bitchass town, I'm thinking of moving to New Hampshire, its cold over there an they have good LGBTQ rights an laws there, maybe I could make friends? I don't know, one thing I know is that me an nat def assured each other that we were gonna be roommates, so I'd have to talk to her about it, and Its not like I could leave her, that's def out of the picture, there's no way I could leave her, shes done so much for me as in just making me feel normal an not like a annoying burden, she makes me feel unconditionally loved, I love my best friend shes the best gift life has ever gave me an I hope to never end up being a stranger to her, she keeps me going in life, and shes the reason that I love to live, she gives me hope an reason, she makes me feel good about myself an pushing my doubts away, she likes me for me like i dont have to pretend or copy what she likes or what she does as in how she acts like i just be myself an have a bestfriend, anyways I gtg the "thing" is talking to me an if I multitask she will get mad I'm not paying attention to her... bai.

Apr 29 2025, 11:18 PM

i hate living in this fuckass house I swear.

Apr 29 2025, 07:01 PM

Apr 29 2025, 12:30 AM

being me only means being scared to breath.

Apr 29 2025, 12:29 AM

i'm stuck in the past and grieving in the present, the future scares me.