Apr 29 2025, 12:26 AM

I feel like I'm bathing in my own depression, like yeah I keep trying to get "clean" but I keep ending in the same place, I'll never be clean like I was before I could understand everything, I'm just sitting here soaking in my depression, regrets, doubts, my worthlessness an hopeless desires an dreams, that I wont ever achieve because im still scrubbing my skin with my sadness, why can't I just change the water? why can't I bathe in clean water again? oh right because I'm older and I understand everything now, when I didn't I was happy.

Apr 28 2025, 08:10 PM

nothing is more gut wrenching then scream crying into ur pillow while you LITERALLY cannot breath properly an ur js hyperventilating now, i wish my mom would have at least told me she loved me once an held me.

Apr 28 2025, 08:03 PM

finding comfort in ur own depression an wallowing in it for weeks even months on end is a different kind of draining, I don't know I guess in a way I feel safe or understood but only by myself, something is so comforting about just doing nothing an just thinking of things I could have done different or how things could have been or thinking of that person an what you did wrong an trying to figure out what's wrong with you, but really nothings wrong with you, people have just hurt you an you're so hurt by it because you know that you would have never done that to them, I mean the thought of knowing they felt different or didn't love you enough an as much as you loved them, because I mean if they did then why would have they done that to you? an it sucks because you loved them so much they made you feel good about yourself they made you feel complete, they filled that void with their self an then just tore their self out of you, it feels like, it just makes you feel so hopeless an like there's something wrong with you but there really isn't because they were the problem, they didn't appreciate your love enough an they definitely took it for granted, I hate love, but I love love, I hate missing someone but not really missing them just missing the "what we could be" or "what we should have been" I mean ur just in love with the possibility not the current reality, and it really fucking sucks, God I hate falling in love so much, every time over the littlest things I tear myself down an self doubt an yet I'm too scared to get close, because what if it happens again? what if they hurt me like they did? an then I feel bad because now I'm comparing them to that person an its just so exhausting, i have so much love to give I believe im a wonderful partner I really do I just have some issues, I'd love you unconditionally, I just need you to let me. why wont you let me in? ur not a stranger to me, I see myself in you, I know how you feel, please?

Apr 27 2025, 11:07 PM

Apr 25 2025, 04:34 PM

so funny how her banner says " actions prove why words mean nothing." yeah mom UR SO RIGHT!!

Apr 25 2025, 04:29 PM

really fucking sucks when you have to purge up an bleed out your feelings js to feel heard by no one but urself.

Apr 25 2025, 04:25 PM

i cant breath when I think of you

Apr 25 2025, 04:24 PM

I don't get it. like you had one job, you had a choice to have a child, you had choice to have multiple children an you thought you were ready? i don't understand why you did this, its your fault I'm this way, you molded me into this person I am now and I cant blame anyone but you because its only your fault. you chose to do drugs over ur kids an bring home abusive men everyday an night, men that literally sexually abused your kids, an then when I came to tell you, when WE came to tell you because you were meant to keep us safe you just pushed it away? why couldn't you love me? why couldn't y'all love me? you were my mom an dad y'all were meant to love me right ? y'all neglected me I mean god id get lucky just to talk to you once a week where u were sober, id get lucky if u didn't take ur anger an ur unsolved issues out on us once a week, I cant understand, when you died I was 10 an I didn't know how to feel? I was relieved, but u never stopped haunting me because you made me the way I am today, I really hate you, im glad ur gone, but a part of me is I guess sad because I know at the end of the day you had a choice an you chose other things over us, why wasn't I enough? why wasn't I enough for you to love? js saying a simple "I love you" to me, ill always feel unlovable an feel like something is wrong with me, I mean God u really fucked me up both of y'all did, Ive been in an out of mental hospitals, therapy, medacations since I was 9 to my current age 17. what the fuck did you do to me? why the fuck did you do this to me? I was a child? maybe if u js gave me a single hug everyday ? maybe I could have been better? maybe you could have made me a happier person? a person who doesn't feel loathsome when it comes to love? I mean OMG I've been raped by older men bc I have fucking daddy issues, an all I wanted was approval ? this is your fault im this way, I've been hurting myself since the age of 8, I hate the thought of eating an feel better when im hungry, I only feel secure when I'm js soaking an laying in my depression, I just needed you to hold me an tell me everything I've been needing to hear, if u didn't die I'd probably would have killed you at some point, maybe its a good thing ur dead then. I mean you let my father drink an abuse me an then js dissapear ? I mean wtf the guy didn't even sign my birth certificate ? why you bring me into this world an then fuck up my life? you were never a mom an you never could have been one. I honestly hope you boiling in hell rn. every waking moment of my life I have to suffer bc of you I think this way bc of you. ur the worst thing that has ever happened to me. an now idk like ill always have this part in me that's like a void an nothing I'll ever fill it bc I cant have another parent, no body can fix it an nothing could, ill always feel like this when I'm off my medications but when I'm on my medacation I js feel like I'm surviving, idk what to do?I cant enjoy my life at all because of you. im glad you are dead mom, kinda js wish my dad was to, instead he's somewhere in the world drinking his liver away, maybe that'll kill him or smth idk, well I don't know what else to say besides repeating myself so, yeah fuck you mom an dad eat shit in hell an die.

Apr 17 2025, 11:15 AM

this is kinda like SpaceHey..