Stiched Up Voodoo Dolls And Hearts Losing Hope.
19 / Male / Chippenham, United Kingdom
Bisexual / In a Relationship
May 28, 2017
Jun 05, 2018
Current rating: No rating yet/10 (0 votes cast)
You have rated xmydyingheartx
There isn't much to say.. I'm 15, i'm unloveable, i'm overly sensitive, i'm an emotional wreak and i'm highly boring. I spend most of my time listening to music (see below), writing my own songs, playing my guitar, reading, drawing band art or watching Donnie Darko.
Why are you still here? \\_o
Hawthorne Heights, From First To Last, My Chemical Romance, Taking Back Sunday, The Used, Senses Fail, Silverstein, Funeral For A Friend, A Static Lulaby, Fall Out Boy (their old stuff), AFI, Panic! At The Disco (their old stuff), Underoath, Armor For Sleep, Aiden, Thursday, A Thorn For Every Heart, Chiodos, Brand New, Dashboard Confessional, Bright Eyes, Blessthefall (early), Alesana (early), Escape The Fate (early), From Autumn To Ashes, Jimmy Eat World, Lovehatehero, Matchbook Romance, Acceptance (only their 1st ep..), Paramore, A Vain Attempt, Halifax, Just Surrender, Sunny Day Real Estate, Real Friends...
Favourite Films / TV / Books
Donnie Darko, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Saw, Suicide Room
The Catcher In The Rye, The Perks Of Being A Wallflower
Wow.. It's September. That's crazy. I'm nearly 16 and i've pretty much done nothing this year. Jeez.. Anyway, I saw my new counsellor yesterday. My first male counsellor in a while, which actually kinda frightened me. I'm so used to having female counsellors after a particularly BAD experience with a male counsellor when I was younger. But he was actually really understanding and empathetic, although the first 10 or so minutes were pretty frightening. I struggle to talk to people who I've never talked to before, but after going through my entire life's story and about 5 minutes of crying i believe he got to grips with who I am. I talked about my abusive dad and his outbursts to my mom, their divorce and the violent aftermath, my best friend being moved up a year in school and then forgetting I ever existed, my teacher who severely bullied me daily, my ex-girlfriend's who both cheated on me, having nostalgia for things that didn't happen and aching over things that bearly were. Then my reliance on music, how i've failed at everything i've set to accomplish, suicidal thoughts and social anxiety. So, what are you all listening to? I'm listening to Circa Survive's Juturna album as I type this.
I hate feeling so.. ostracized. But I hate receiving attention. I want a friend who I can relate to but I want to be alone. I want to be loved but the anxiety and paranoia kills me, not to mention my endless list of insecurities. I don't want someone to tear the stitching of my already broken heart.. I want to be attractive but again I hate the attention. But again I hate to be ostracized.. It's a vicious cycle..
Nothing has really happened over the past few days.. I was dragged to the beach by my mom and my step-dad yesterday and it sucked, so that happened I guess.
If you have an instagram check out @forever.emo.outfits_, it's an emo clothing thing ran by myself and AzazelSweetcore.
*sigh* this sucks so much.. it's currently 5:10am, and i'm begining to evaluate my life so far. what exactly have i done? i know, i'm only 15 and I probably have a large amount of life ahead of me, depending on whether or not i decide to hang from rope or not. fuck.. okay this is probably going to be a long post. It's going to not only be an average blog post on soEmo.com, no, it's going to be a full on confessional because i need to get this out of my system, and this feels like the safest place to do it. but please refrain from calling me pathetic.
I've made it apparent that I feel alone. Long story short, back in October 2015, I dated a girl called Emily. Up to that point i never really knew what love felt like, but when I found her I knew. We didn't date for long at all, two months in fact. But the time we spent felt like an eternity and it was without a doubt the best two months of my entire life. It's how it ended.. Message on a Monday morning, 'Michael, we're through.' I cannot physically describe the pain I felt in that moment, it was just so sudden.. So I responded with a simple 'Why?' This was the response, 'Michael, i'm sorry but i've found someone better. I've been dating someone else for the past week. I just want to live the younger years of my life with the best people I can find. I didn't know how to break this to you.' Those few lines are the reason for my non existent self confidence, the reason why i'm too afraid to talk to people because i don't feel worthy of their time, the reason why i lost ALL my friends becasue i challenged their loyalty to me as a friend, and the reason why my entire left arm is covered in fucking scars. i know. i'm pathetic. i feel ugly all the time. i strive for love but i cannot trust. i strive for the love that i can never achive.
I need to address something highly unimportant. Why and how tf am I rated 9.7, and someone like AzazelSweetcore is rated 7.6? like how? He deserves an 8 at the very least, whereas I should be a 5 or something. AzazelSweetcore is an attractive dude, i'm not. Iduntgehdit.
I wish that band shirts from the mid 2000's were still accessible.. Seriously, almost EVERY design from that period of time looked so cool.. Now every band shirt is just so.. dull, i guess.
Not much has been going on in my life.. Just middle class averageness with the not-so-occasional existanal crisis. I'm still alone and i'm still struggling in general. I'm probably going to be single until the day I die.. I have my final exams next year and then i'm going to college or sixth form or wherever. I'm still going to have practically no friends come that time, as well as still having minimal social skills.. *Sigh* Well,to quote Motion City Soundtrack, 'The Future Freaks Me Out' and indeed it does. Or whatever of a future I have..
So.. I just discovered Clandestine Industries. Late to the party, I know. I was trying to find some Take This To Your Grave / From Under The Cork Tree hoodies on Ebay but I found nothing. Just their newer, uninspired hoodie and t shirt designs for their even more uninspired albums that they've been releasing over the past few years. I really miss the old Fall Out Boy.. Anyway, back to the point. I stumbled upon this really cool looking necklace, which was bat shaped with half a heart and half a skull forming a full shape its centre. The person selling this item quoted that this was 'Part of Pete Wentz's alternative merch brand, Clandestine Industries, which began in 2006 before being shut down in 2012.' I was both highly intrigued and highly disappointed due to the brand shutting down, but my disappointment peaked when I saw their hoodie designs.. They're so cool, and Pete Wentz has the same bat design tattooed on his lower stomach. But no one sells them anymore, and even if a Clandestine Industries hoodie was put up on Ebay it would probably cost a ridiculous amount of money to buy.. At least I can still get the necklace, I guess? But I really want the hoodie.. Ugh.
Sooo.. I never really use this anymore. That kinda sucks, as this site is amazing, somehow still standing after all this time, and is still relevant even though the popularity of the scene has decreased dramatically since the early-mid 00's. The main reason to why i'm so often inactive is because it's unbelievably awkward to use this on a phone. I really need a laptop..
I'm thinking of getting some tattoos at some point. Sleeves seem to be the way to go, but i also want the tree with a hanging heart from The Used's 'In Love And Death' album. If I get that it should start at my wrist (the roots of the tree) and then continue up my arm before then branching across my chest to show the heart hanging from a tree branch. Maybe I should get that on one arm and a sleave on the other. I think that would be okay.