Emo Scene Community

(Again...Not a poem...I still need to edit a lot of my poetry before posting it.) Blood poured from the shallow self-inflicted slices on my wrist. That didn’t scare me. Pain surged through my arm. That didn’t scare me. I knew I’d have scars there forever. That still didn’t scare me. Yet, something as simple as the thought of why I’d done it in the first place, was another story. The image of your face stayed etched in the back of my bloodshot eyeballs. The eyes that spilled countless tears over the loss of you. The same eyes that used to look into yours a few months ago. That’s what really scared me. I knew I’d have to face you again. I knew you’d approach me with a smile and offer a hug. I knew you’d act like nothing ever happened-- Like we were never a couple. Like I never sacrificed all I had just to be with you. I thought I was afraid of what I knew before-- Just the darkness of my bedroom, or the restlessness. Nothing more. Those things don’t seem like much to me now. Not after having to suffer the wrath of losing you. I thought I knew what the word “fear” meant, but I guess I was wrong. I’ve never been this afraid in my life. I’m so scared that you’re going to pretend everything’s alright between us, as if you never hurt me. As if you never caused me to place the cold blade of that knife on the flesh of my wrist and dig, until the crimson river surfaced. I knew you’d walk away some day, but I never thought it would bring me to this pain-- This...regret. And yes, I do regret meeting you, some days. I regret falling for you, because if I never fell off the ledge of what some people call love, I never would have ended up with these scars and bruises. I never would have felt like ending the pain by shoving that stupid knife deeper, until my tubular veins’ blood flow was cut off from my heart. The heart that remains caged up behind my cracking ribcage. The same heart that cared for you so deeply, that it literally broke when you said we needed to end what we had. I’m proud of my heart, though-- I envy the way it stays steadfast, even though it’s been torn, shattered, cracked, shot and lied to. The way that it keeps beating. It’s like it refuses to give up, even though it’s in enough pain to make the entire world suffer in agony. I wish I could be as strong as my heart is. I wish I had the strength to pull myself back up, wipe the grime and dirt from my face, and step out into the rain. To keep walking until the world disappeared around me, leaving me to myself so I could finally gather my thoughts. I wish I could help you to understand that when I told you I was in love with you that I meant it. Just because you don’t believe in love doesn’t mean I don’t. Actually to be honest, I didn’t believe in it until I met you. I used to speak of that four letter lie as if I knew what it really was. I thought it was a beautiful and delightful maiden. Something everyone would want to encounter. I couldn’t wait for someone like you to sweep me off my feet and carry me away. I was so eager to meet the man who would steal my heart from me, and make me smile. I was fully expecting it to happen like a fairy tale-- For a prince in shining armor to come galloping to the highest tower where I was kept like a prisoner on his muscular white steed. I wasn’t prepared for it to end like a horror movie, with blood, gore and searing pain. I thought it’d be perfect, lovely and incredible. I was wrong. It turned out to be like a nightmare from hell. There are several other men that I’ve met that make me feel wanted, special and cared for, but they’re not you. I don’t love any of them like I loved you. I cared for you so deeply and passionately. I cried for days and days when you walked away from me. I couldn’t keep myself off the ground, and I didn’t want to go to school, because I knew I’d have to see you again. I knew I’d have to pass you in the hallway, and I knew my so-called “friends” would ask about you. They’d ask me why we weren’t hanging out, and why you brushed passed me whenever you saw me. They’d ask me why I kept crying, even though they knew what the answer was. You’d stopped talking to me, after I confessed my love for you. You ran away from me like I were some sort of freak with a chainsaw. As if I were the ugliest, scariest person you had ever met. That hurt more than having to say my goodbyes to you. Any other girl would have known we were over before the words were even said, but I didn’t want it to be over. I didn’t want to think about it being over. I wasn’t ready to let you go yet. I held onto the hope of keeping you close to me as long as I could, before the rope that joined us together finally came unraveled and separated us. I tried to mend the rope with Duct-tape, but my resilient attempts weren’t enough to bring you back to me. No adhesive substances were strong enough to repair the bond between us. It was clear to me by then, that you never wanted us to be fixed. It was always your intention to get rid of me. For some reason, my heart forgave you for breaking it. My state of mentality won’t ever be the same without you, but as long as I know my heart is strong enough to withstand the pain of losing the one person I’ve ever truly loved, I know I have at least one thing to smile about. I’ve got a strong and wise heart to keep me moving forward. I once believed that my heart would beat because it was filled with the love and joy of having you around, and when it proceeded to beat when you threw me to the ground, that it was only beating because it had the capability to. I changed my mind, after rethinking it for awhile. Though my heart aches and throbs with every thoughtful strum it plays, it still works, and to me, that is truly remarkable.