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soEmo.co.uk - Emo Kids - James_Dean_SWS

James_Dean_SWS

Kill Me
31 / Female / Vermont, United States
Gay/Lesbian / Forever Alone
Member since: Apr 25, 2018
Last online: Mar 27, 2022

Current rating: 10.0/10 (1 votes cast)

About Me

This is kinda hard.  Thing is, when I was a kid, I chose to live by my heart, completely, and be the best person I can be.  Completely honest, open, trusting, dependable, loyal, understanding, compassionate, etc....  I would tell myself, I want to be the best friend a person could have.  That was a long time ago, but I meant it, so it became my very nature.  I didn't realize how much that would alienate me from everyone else.  People assume things, and judge so harshly, I've been nothing but alone for as long as I can remember.......

The way I grew up, I chose to value things I felt truly matter.  The good and meaningful things, like real relationships, friends, love, and kindness....  I wanted something real in my life, someone I could count on, and I wanted to deserve that, be good enough to be happy someday.  I wanted to make someone happy, love someone, and know that I matter, and that after I die, I'll know that my life was for something and that even one person's life is, or was better because I was here.  My worst nightmare is feeling I could die tonight, and no one would care, or even notice.  If I could simply disappear as if I was never here, than why did I ever live in the first place?  How would all the pain be worth enduring, and how would anything I do truly matter?

One more thing, when I say that I need to know that I matter, I mean who I am as a person, my very heart and soul.  I can't imagine being satisfied doing things that anyone else could do, or making a difference simply because I'm a living breathing body.  It doesn't feel right knowing I could just simply be replaced with any other human being who could do the job.......

Oh, that being said, I'm deeply spiritual.  I consider myself a spiritual being who exists in a shell, and my physical body shouldn't define me.  That's why I don't use pictures of myself online, because I want the chance to just be me, who I am inside.  I do send pictures to friends though, to be fair, so it's not like I won't show myself.  I just need to know it's not about how I look.  I want a real connection, something meaningful, even if it's just as a friend.

Final things I feel I should mention.  I'll admit I'm weird, and awkward.  I'm naturally shy, and I don't like opening up, it actually makes me a nervous wreck, but I do it to give people, and myself a chance.  Since I chose to live by my heart, and intuition, I see the good in people, so I can sometimes get attached very fast, like loving someone in minutes of talking with them.  It's just how I am, but it doesn't mean I expect anyone else to be like that.  I might consider someone amazing, and a great friend, and my mind is made up, I'll just wait for her to figure out how she feels about me.  I'm honest because I want to be understood, and trustworthy, and I just want to be treated the same way so I can understand others.  I believe I could be a good friend to anyone if just given the chance.......

I really like to listen.  I feel much better being a friend than actually talking about myself, or my life.

I have Kik, facebook, instagram, and a mobile number, but I don't want complete strangers contacting me, so just message me first if you're interested.  By the way, if I don't respond to you, I'm either just not able to, or I feel for some reason I might not be a good friend for you, and I don't want to hurt you.  Stuff like satanic, and evil worship make me extremely uncomfortable.  I consider myself a being of light, and positive energies, and I don't mix with hate, or chaos.



To be fair, above was when I started this profile.  Consider that "me" dead.  My Angels deserted me, the demons are the only friends I have left,... my nightmares make more since than my reality, my reality is my nightmare,... can't say I can tell the difference anymore.......  My mind is just as warped as the long shattered pieces of my heart,... my insanity and madness are incurable......  Over a decade spent putting others first, starving, breaking, suffering, and left with nothing,... nothing,... day to day, alone, empty, cold.......  My kindness got me locked up in my own personal hell, my worst nightmare just repeating every time I wake.......  Don't bother to think you can save me, but feel free to give me the company while I burn and drown on repeat.......

P.S. beware of the journals, they'll steal your soul.......💀

Favourite Music

10 Years
30 Seconds To Mars
Alesana
Asking Alexandria
Avenged Sevenfold
BlessTheFall
Bring Me The Horizon
Bullet For My Valentine
Bury Tomorrow
Chevelle
Dark New Day
Disturbed

Escape The Fate
(Have to mention my favorite
Picture Perfect)

Evanescence
Fort Minor
The Glitch Mob
Killswitch Engage
Korn
Linkin Park
Matchbook Romance
Metallica
Mudvayne
Muse
My Chemical Romance
The Neighborhood
Nero
P!nk
Papa Roach
Paramore

Pierce The Veil
(GOD YES THIS ONE!)
(My heart bleeds with their music)

Red
Rise Against
Scary Kids Scaring Kids
Serj Tankian
Skrillex

Sleeping With Sirens
(Here's another one, love their songs)
Favorite = If I'm James Dean, You're Audrey Hepburn
Been looking for my Audrey since 2010

Slipknot
Staind
Stone Sour
System Of A Down
Tool
Vexento
Yellowcard
ZEDD



I love a whole lot of music, and while the emo music really gets my heart, lately I've been deep in Chillstep.  It's this sub genre of electronic music, but chill instead of erratic.  Some songs are just beautiful, deep, and bring me to tears, even without words.  Like listening to the rhythm of someone's soul.  I highly recommend "Ten Second Barrier" by Wondai.  The lyrics are really deep, like a poem that most people might get, but some will cry to.



Emptiness has darkened my eyes
as I hopelessly beg for my life to end
tell me why

I might edit this a bit more, but I feel this is good enough for now.

Favourite Films / TV / Books

Any Marvel Hero movies

Dracula Untold

Anything Star Wars
(Movie or Anime/Cartoon)

SOUL EATER
(Anime)

other stuffs
House Of Night
novels

Education / Occupation

High school grad.

Who I'd Like To Meet

Really, I want to meet friends, someone I can connect with, who's understanding, cares, and actually appreciates being cared for.  I want someone who accepts me for who I am, and who I can be good to, and count on.



Who I'd like to meet...?
...jeez, all I ever wanted was someone to just accept me, and appreciate me, but that's just a sad hopeless dream,... so how about a bullet, or blind speeding train to put me out of my misery...?

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Journal

Aug 30 2018, 06:08 AM
It's funny, a person could have so much to say, and people wouldn't listen till it's too late,... and then when everything is quiet, it's like there's no hope anymore, no more chances to stop it, or make things better....... Eventually, you just have to give up, right...? With everything that's happened, I've been looking at myself, wondering how I'll ever recover, how I'll ever be able to move forward, but after all this time, and all the effort, I realize there is no mending, no getting better,... I don't want to talk anymore, I don't want to care, I don't want to listen to those awful sweet lies anymore....... I don't know why I bother to even type this,... I know no one cares.......
Jul 05 2018, 07:22 AM
There's a thought, something that has been eating me up from the inside for a lot of years. There's a lot of wisdom that is commonly found, such as the smartest people being the most depressed, and miserable. Sometimes life teaches you things, sometimes you wish they weren't true, but they hold firmly, like gravity, never faulting....... For me, the lesson I learned too young, was how short life is, and how the things we do for others are what truly matters, not so much what we do for ourselves.... I saw a day, the end of my life, and being alone, the thought that in the end, it wouldn't have mattered rather I ever lived at all,... that became my worst nightmare, because if all my life proved to be pointless, and meaningless, than how was it ever worth it to be alive in the first place? How was all the pain, and struggle worth getting through...? Thing is,... I've been too aware of my mortality,... knowing my days are limited,... and everyday, this question,... why am I here,... why do I wake up,... why am I still breathing....... Living this empty life,... it just feels like I'm already dead, and just waiting for this final moment to finally end,... cause if I'm not living for anything,... then how am I living at all...? I could write about my many ideas,... I could develop my inventions, new technologies,... make art, or just create a billion dollar company and live with all the money I could ever need,... but none of those things have ever meant happiness to me. They've never felt worth living for,... and I'm all too aware how once I've breathed my last breath, everything that is me will end, and all that will matter, and live on, is the difference I made for others....... There's billions of people on this earth,... so many human beings, not to mention animals that make some people happy. The thought of just being another living body, just another person, just another one of the billions, or even just thousands....... I see no satisfaction, feel no pride in doing what others can do, in just filling in a space, or taking up a role that so many others could.... To spend my life being somewhere I'm not needed, knowing I'm entirely replaceable, like an assembly line worker, or some house pet.... That would never be good enough, to know I don't really matter.... So for so many years, I've carried this knowledge, and awareness, knowing who I am, knowing I'm more than just another human being, more than just some living being,... I am me....... So,... my curse,... having this piece of wisdom,... seeing life, knowing how short it is, and knowing the things that do, or don't matter.... For the longest time, all I ever wanted was to know that I exist for a reason, that I, who I am, deep down, as someone unique, matters, and somehow makes a difference for the better.... I need to know that I'm not just some replaceable pawn, just another breathing body.... It's funny,... as more time passes,... everything I've learned, when I was only a kid, I've only just grown to understand, and see how true it all is, and see how much I was right, and I grew up so much faster than I needed to.... Maybe I wish I could have just been a kid, but there's no going back, and here and now, what eats at me, is seeing how things continue to go, and it feels as if each day, I know more that in the end, rather it's tomorrow, years, or decades from now,... I just don't matter, and I never will.... It's kinda sad, all the people who kill themselves, and had so much to live for, and here I am, when I have no real reason to be hear, just watching time go by, and waiting for it to be over.... I guess, if I can't be happy, if my life will never matter,... then I hope my death will.... I hope I can leave a scar, a mark, maybe write a book, so maybe someone understands, maybe someone would know.... I went to a funeral recently, and only a few people actually showed up, for this old man, a good man. He lived such a long life, made so many people smile, and laugh, and here I was, with so few people, and when it came time, only I had anything to say, and I barely knew him.... All I could think about afterwards, was how he deserved so much better, and I was hurt, that his farewell, people didn't show, didn't say anything, just thought of themselves....... So, I ask myself why I bother to even say anything, when I know no one is listening, no one cares.... I guess I just want something to last, to be left behind, so when the tomorrow comes that I don't wake up,... God,... I can only hope it's felt,... for all the people who gave up on me, abandoned me,... all those people who act like they care, but never give room for anyone to matter, or make a difference,... I hope they feel it, and learn something,... I hope somehow, even if it's only after my heart stops beating,... I hope somehow it matters, even if I'll never know,... even if I have to fade away feeling like I never should have existed at all....... If this is how my life must be, if I have to end up alone,... then I hope someone will feel something, even if only when it's too late.......
Jun 27 2018, 08:16 AM
I just hate people.... I'm so sick and tired of it all, and I see how selfish everyone really is, how incapable people are of just putting someone else first....... My friends abandon me, my parents abandon me, even my brother who hasn't seen me in years, just turns his back on me when I needed him....... When it really comes down to it, people just think of themselves, and that's all that really matters to them.... Yea, I tried to be different, and I've sacrificed a lot for people, but really, people like that, like me, anyone who truly cares like that, are just so few, and far....... Well, I know I'll never have anyone like that in my life, so I'll always be alone....... I'm just dome,... I know I'm hopeless, and I always hoped someone would prove otherwise, but it's really too late for that....... No one really cares about anyone but themselves, and they may act like they do, say they do, but in the end when it really comes down to it, they'll only ever do what's easiest for them, or what makes them feel better....... I guess that's probably it,... I'm probably done talking now....
Jun 16 2018, 07:53 AM
Who cares, really? I'm pretty sure no one even reads any of this stuff.... So I guess there's no harm in it.... I just feel it's only fair to add an update, since things have been changing so much.... I'm pretty much at the point that I don't have anything left, and no room to be hopeful.... I mean, I gave my best, but after everything I've been through, I'm still nowhere, still just nothing, never good enough, never worth anything, so even though people will pretend to care, and act all nice, I know I don't actually matter, and never will....... I'm not changing my profile, cause I put a lot of work into it, but to be fair, I'm putting this here, to just say I'm done.... I'm done thinking things could ever get better, I'm done being hopeful, and I'm done putting myself out there....
May 11 2018, 10:38 AM
Private entry
May 04 2018, 09:23 AM
There's things about life that I never talk about.... I tend to focus on the good, the positive, be hopeful, even though people usually think I'm just depressed, and pathetic....... I guess it's my secret though.... I may be open to a lot of people, but there are some things I won't tell everyone, even if I feel like I need to scream it out of my lungs, I know I shouldn't....... "These days I drift along, long lost the will to fight, or struggle against the hands of fate. So tired, exhausted, dreary, my very soul feels as if it could sleep till my body turns to dust. These days I'm so used to my pain, my nightmares, I could scream out a bloody lung and think nothing of it, just another day in this life. These days I reflect, and wonder of the would around me, was I ever so wrong to wish for better, to hope, to hold onto something pure? These days I wonder if it was always so hopeless, or where I went so wrong......."
Apr 29 2018, 06:20 AM
I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to put this.... I'm not sure I know the words.... First of all, I don't compare my life to others. Honestly, that's not even fair, cause not only are people born in different places, times, and under different circumstances, but people also live with different perspectives, and different things are good and bad, and may mean more or less between different people. It's not fair to look at someone's life, and judge them to be better or worse off. That person living in luxury in his billion dollar mansion may be just as broken and miserable on the inside as anyone else, and that poor homeless person who never has even a place to stay, he could be doing just fine on his own, and may even be happy with his life. P.S. I've been homeless, on the street, and I've known people who lived that way by choice, so I know what I'm talking about. I just hate when people tell me I should be happy, or that my life is better than people in Africa, or whatever. I hate it, cause who are they to tell me how to feel, or how to be happy....... Anyways, this is my life, at least part of my story anyway.... I'm mot sure how much I can put, or how well I can put it in words, but I feel I need to get stuff off my chest.... I've always been focused on one thing. After my parents got divorced, and threatened to send me away because I got in trouble, all that mattered to me was finding something real, like genuine unconditional love. Someone who I could count on, no matter what.... At first, I wondered if something like that was possible, but I felt it was, and I chose to be an example, to be the kind of person I hoped to find someday....... I was forced to grow up fast, and I looked for something more when everyone else my age was just being a kid.... I didn't think I was different, but eventually I realized that I cared in ways people didn't understand, or know how to appreciate.... I did my best, but to other's, it was like sone alien language, and they couldn't understand, couldn't accept it, or believe that I really meant well.... People assumed I had alterier motives, or was just acting, or they would just get annoyed, or find some reason to push me away....... I could write a book, of all that I've been through for others....... Years ago, I counted up to 83 people I loved, cared for, lost, and still ached for.... I just couldn't bare it to keep counting that night, and I've continued to give new people chances....... My best friends abandoned me, even my closest friends who knew me for years....... I was heart broken, and then I began to break more, and more, like losing pieces of myself, feeling like I could never just be me again....... I held in all the pain, no matter how bad things got, cause I didn't want to hurt anyone.... I never wanted to be selfish, mean, or rude.... I normally don't do this sort of thing, typing stuff like this, in a place like this, but lately I just feel like my heart is pumping lead instead of blood.... I feel so tired, in ways that no amount of sleep can help.... I've done so much, put in so much effort for others, and I feel like I'm just draining all I have left....... (unfinished)
Apr 25 2018, 05:42 PM
This seems interesting. The other sites I've used didn't give me a way to express myself like this. I always feel there's no room for extra stuff. Well, this is my love story, and the story of my life, let's see if it fits. Growing up as a kid, a child really, people would say I was very passionate, and affectionate. There were women I'd by roses for, just to say that I liked them. When a day came that my parents threatened to send me away, it changed me. They wanted me to stay out of trouble in school, but what they really taught me was that love could be conditional. I saw myself being abandoned, and ending up alone, and then I realized my worst nightmare, to live a meaningless life, and finding in the end it never mattered if I lived or died. This made me realize what I wanted, and would always want, is true love. I mean, that had to exist somewhere, right? I was still just a kid, and I didn't know much. My parents getting divorced, my mom having brain surgery, I was on my own trying to figure things out. It was 5th grade, I was 12, and there was this girl I really liked. I felt in love, but I didn't know what real love was yet. All I wanted was to matter, and not be alone anymore. So, this girl, I told her how I felt, and at first, she returned the feelings, made me think we had something. Not long after, there was a school field trip. The night before, I had this odd dream, it felt so dull, and empty, like watching a silent colorless film. We were walking down the hall together, and came by a room with a friend in it, and just him. She looked at me, and without words, I knew she wanted to talk with him, so I let her, and waited outside. A moment later, she walked out, and we both walked away, except in separate directions, without saying a word, as if there suddenly wasn't anything between us.... The next day, I stay behind from the field trip, and she goes, along with my friend. When they all got back, there was this big fuss, and she was hurt. I was worried, so I did my best to find out what happened, and someone told me she got hit while asking out my friend. I was heart broken, and at some point, I realized that dream, just the night before, was pretty much dead on accurate on how that day would go....... Then, that night, I had another dream, similar, but entirely different.... I fell asleep heart broken, and when I dreamt, I found myself walking hand in hand with this girl, someone I'd never known. We were walking through some kind of fair, or amusement park, everything was lit up, and colorful at night. What really got my attention though, was walking hand in hand with her, I could feel the way she held me, and the way she walked beside me, she truly loved me, and would never let me go. We continued walking till we reached a railing, and we both leaned over, and just turned our heads to each other.... I still remember how her hair fell over her face, covering most of her, and I just saw one eye, and her smile, but the way she looked at me, the way her face changed, like she was truly, deeply happy, and the way she looked at me, I could see it in her eye, that she was happy because of me, just being there with me. All that truly existed in that dream, was absolute, unconditional love, and as I woke up too soon, I would start praying to find that dream again.... That was the moment I learned what true love is....... About 2 years later, I thought back to those nights, and I felt those 2 dreams were setting me straight, guiding me. One telling me to forget about pointless crushes, and empty relationships, and the second one making it clear what I really want in life. I chose to believe in them, just as the first became true, I chose to believe someday, the second would be true as well, someday it would be real, that love would be in my life. I didn't know her name, so from that point on, I began to call her My Angel.

Aug 30 2018, 06:08 AM

It's funny, a person could have so much to say, and people wouldn't listen till it's too late,... and then when everything is quiet, it's like there's no hope anymore, no more chances to stop it, or make things better....... Eventually, you just have to give up, right...? With everything that's happened, I've been looking at myself, wondering how I'll ever recover, how I'll ever be able to move forward, but after all this time, and all the effort, I realize there is no mending, no getting better,... I don't want to talk anymore, I don't want to care, I don't want to listen to those awful sweet lies anymore....... I don't know why I bother to even type this,... I know no one cares.......

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Jul 05 2018, 07:22 AM

There's a thought, something that has been eating me up from the inside for a lot of years. There's a lot of wisdom that is commonly found, such as the smartest people being the most depressed, and miserable. Sometimes life teaches you things, sometimes you wish they weren't true, but they hold firmly, like gravity, never faulting....... For me, the lesson I learned too young, was how short life is, and how the things we do for others are what truly matters, not so much what we do for ourselves.... I saw a day, the end of my life, and being alone, the thought that in the end, it wouldn't have mattered rather I ever lived at all,... that became my worst nightmare, because if all my life proved to be pointless, and meaningless, than how was it ever worth it to be alive in the first place? How was all the pain, and struggle worth getting through...? Thing is,... I've been too aware of my mortality,... knowing my days are limited,... and everyday, this question,... why am I here,... why do I wake up,... why am I still breathing....... Living this empty life,... it just feels like I'm already dead, and just waiting for this final moment to finally end,... cause if I'm not living for anything,... then how am I living at all...? I could write about my many ideas,... I could develop my inventions, new technologies,... make art, or just create a billion dollar company and live with all the money I could ever need,... but none of those things have ever meant happiness to me. They've never felt worth living for,... and I'm all too aware how once I've breathed my last breath, everything that is me will end, and all that will matter, and live on, is the difference I made for others....... There's billions of people on this earth,... so many human beings, not to mention animals that make some people happy. The thought of just being another living body, just another person, just another one of the billions, or even just thousands....... I see no satisfaction, feel no pride in doing what others can do, in just filling in a space, or taking up a role that so many others could.... To spend my life being somewhere I'm not needed, knowing I'm entirely replaceable, like an assembly line worker, or some house pet.... That would never be good enough, to know I don't really matter.... So for so many years, I've carried this knowledge, and awareness, knowing who I am, knowing I'm more than just another human being, more than just some living being,... I am me....... So,... my curse,... having this piece of wisdom,... seeing life, knowing how short it is, and knowing the things that do, or don't matter.... For the longest time, all I ever wanted was to know that I exist for a reason, that I, who I am, deep down, as someone unique, matters, and somehow makes a difference for the better.... I need to know that I'm not just some replaceable pawn, just another breathing body.... It's funny,... as more time passes,... everything I've learned, when I was only a kid, I've only just grown to understand, and see how true it all is, and see how much I was right, and I grew up so much faster than I needed to.... Maybe I wish I could have just been a kid, but there's no going back, and here and now, what eats at me, is seeing how things continue to go, and it feels as if each day, I know more that in the end, rather it's tomorrow, years, or decades from now,... I just don't matter, and I never will.... It's kinda sad, all the people who kill themselves, and had so much to live for, and here I am, when I have no real reason to be hear, just watching time go by, and waiting for it to be over.... I guess, if I can't be happy, if my life will never matter,... then I hope my death will.... I hope I can leave a scar, a mark, maybe write a book, so maybe someone understands, maybe someone would know.... I went to a funeral recently, and only a few people actually showed up, for this old man, a good man. He lived such a long life, made so many people smile, and laugh, and here I was, with so few people, and when it came time, only I had anything to say, and I barely knew him.... All I could think about afterwards, was how he deserved so much better, and I was hurt, that his farewell, people didn't show, didn't say anything, just thought of themselves....... So, I ask myself why I bother to even say anything, when I know no one is listening, no one cares.... I guess I just want something to last, to be left behind, so when the tomorrow comes that I don't wake up,... God,... I can only hope it's felt,... for all the people who gave up on me, abandoned me,... all those people who act like they care, but never give room for anyone to matter, or make a difference,... I hope they feel it, and learn something,... I hope somehow, even if it's only after my heart stops beating,... I hope somehow it matters, even if I'll never know,... even if I have to fade away feeling like I never should have existed at all....... If this is how my life must be, if I have to end up alone,... then I hope someone will feel something, even if only when it's too late.......

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Jun 27 2018, 08:16 AM

I just hate people.... I'm so sick and tired of it all, and I see how selfish everyone really is, how incapable people are of just putting someone else first....... My friends abandon me, my parents abandon me, even my brother who hasn't seen me in years, just turns his back on me when I needed him....... When it really comes down to it, people just think of themselves, and that's all that really matters to them.... Yea, I tried to be different, and I've sacrificed a lot for people, but really, people like that, like me, anyone who truly cares like that, are just so few, and far....... Well, I know I'll never have anyone like that in my life, so I'll always be alone....... I'm just dome,... I know I'm hopeless, and I always hoped someone would prove otherwise, but it's really too late for that....... No one really cares about anyone but themselves, and they may act like they do, say they do, but in the end when it really comes down to it, they'll only ever do what's easiest for them, or what makes them feel better....... I guess that's probably it,... I'm probably done talking now....

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Jun 16 2018, 07:53 AM

Who cares, really? I'm pretty sure no one even reads any of this stuff.... So I guess there's no harm in it.... I just feel it's only fair to add an update, since things have been changing so much.... I'm pretty much at the point that I don't have anything left, and no room to be hopeful.... I mean, I gave my best, but after everything I've been through, I'm still nowhere, still just nothing, never good enough, never worth anything, so even though people will pretend to care, and act all nice, I know I don't actually matter, and never will....... I'm not changing my profile, cause I put a lot of work into it, but to be fair, I'm putting this here, to just say I'm done.... I'm done thinking things could ever get better, I'm done being hopeful, and I'm done putting myself out there....

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May 11 2018, 10:38 AM

Hi, this is a message for friends, or the people I really care about.... If I suddenly disappear, and don't respond to messages, or show any sign of being alive, I'm probably dead, or in a coma.... I would always find a way to at least check in here, and I wouldn't abandon my friends, so the thought of anyone I care for thinking I just stopped caring, that thought makes me feel like I'm going to be sick....... So, if I disappear, and show no sign of being alive, just know I love you, and I really care about you, and even if I'm not here, that doesn't mean I abandoned you.

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May 04 2018, 09:23 AM

There's things about life that I never talk about.... I tend to focus on the good, the positive, be hopeful, even though people usually think I'm just depressed, and pathetic....... I guess it's my secret though.... I may be open to a lot of people, but there are some things I won't tell everyone, even if I feel like I need to scream it out of my lungs, I know I shouldn't....... "These days I drift along, long lost the will to fight, or struggle against the hands of fate. So tired, exhausted, dreary, my very soul feels as if it could sleep till my body turns to dust. These days I'm so used to my pain, my nightmares, I could scream out a bloody lung and think nothing of it, just another day in this life. These days I reflect, and wonder of the would around me, was I ever so wrong to wish for better, to hope, to hold onto something pure? These days I wonder if it was always so hopeless, or where I went so wrong......."

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Apr 29 2018, 06:20 AM

I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to put this.... I'm not sure I know the words.... First of all, I don't compare my life to others. Honestly, that's not even fair, cause not only are people born in different places, times, and under different circumstances, but people also live with different perspectives, and different things are good and bad, and may mean more or less between different people. It's not fair to look at someone's life, and judge them to be better or worse off. That person living in luxury in his billion dollar mansion may be just as broken and miserable on the inside as anyone else, and that poor homeless person who never has even a place to stay, he could be doing just fine on his own, and may even be happy with his life. P.S. I've been homeless, on the street, and I've known people who lived that way by choice, so I know what I'm talking about. I just hate when people tell me I should be happy, or that my life is better than people in Africa, or whatever. I hate it, cause who are they to tell me how to feel, or how to be happy....... Anyways, this is my life, at least part of my story anyway.... I'm mot sure how much I can put, or how well I can put it in words, but I feel I need to get stuff off my chest.... I've always been focused on one thing. After my parents got divorced, and threatened to send me away because I got in trouble, all that mattered to me was finding something real, like genuine unconditional love. Someone who I could count on, no matter what.... At first, I wondered if something like that was possible, but I felt it was, and I chose to be an example, to be the kind of person I hoped to find someday....... I was forced to grow up fast, and I looked for something more when everyone else my age was just being a kid.... I didn't think I was different, but eventually I realized that I cared in ways people didn't understand, or know how to appreciate.... I did my best, but to other's, it was like sone alien language, and they couldn't understand, couldn't accept it, or believe that I really meant well.... People assumed I had alterier motives, or was just acting, or they would just get annoyed, or find some reason to push me away....... I could write a book, of all that I've been through for others....... Years ago, I counted up to 83 people I loved, cared for, lost, and still ached for.... I just couldn't bare it to keep counting that night, and I've continued to give new people chances....... My best friends abandoned me, even my closest friends who knew me for years....... I was heart broken, and then I began to break more, and more, like losing pieces of myself, feeling like I could never just be me again....... I held in all the pain, no matter how bad things got, cause I didn't want to hurt anyone.... I never wanted to be selfish, mean, or rude.... I normally don't do this sort of thing, typing stuff like this, in a place like this, but lately I just feel like my heart is pumping lead instead of blood.... I feel so tired, in ways that no amount of sleep can help.... I've done so much, put in so much effort for others, and I feel like I'm just draining all I have left....... (unfinished)

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Apr 25 2018, 05:42 PM

This seems interesting. The other sites I've used didn't give me a way to express myself like this. I always feel there's no room for extra stuff. Well, this is my love story, and the story of my life, let's see if it fits. Growing up as a kid, a child really, people would say I was very passionate, and affectionate. There were women I'd by roses for, just to say that I liked them. When a day came that my parents threatened to send me away, it changed me. They wanted me to stay out of trouble in school, but what they really taught me was that love could be conditional. I saw myself being abandoned, and ending up alone, and then I realized my worst nightmare, to live a meaningless life, and finding in the end it never mattered if I lived or died. This made me realize what I wanted, and would always want, is true love. I mean, that had to exist somewhere, right? I was still just a kid, and I didn't know much. My parents getting divorced, my mom having brain surgery, I was on my own trying to figure things out. It was 5th grade, I was 12, and there was this girl I really liked. I felt in love, but I didn't know what real love was yet. All I wanted was to matter, and not be alone anymore. So, this girl, I told her how I felt, and at first, she returned the feelings, made me think we had something. Not long after, there was a school field trip. The night before, I had this odd dream, it felt so dull, and empty, like watching a silent colorless film. We were walking down the hall together, and came by a room with a friend in it, and just him. She looked at me, and without words, I knew she wanted to talk with him, so I let her, and waited outside. A moment later, she walked out, and we both walked away, except in separate directions, without saying a word, as if there suddenly wasn't anything between us.... The next day, I stay behind from the field trip, and she goes, along with my friend. When they all got back, there was this big fuss, and she was hurt. I was worried, so I did my best to find out what happened, and someone told me she got hit while asking out my friend. I was heart broken, and at some point, I realized that dream, just the night before, was pretty much dead on accurate on how that day would go....... Then, that night, I had another dream, similar, but entirely different.... I fell asleep heart broken, and when I dreamt, I found myself walking hand in hand with this girl, someone I'd never known. We were walking through some kind of fair, or amusement park, everything was lit up, and colorful at night. What really got my attention though, was walking hand in hand with her, I could feel the way she held me, and the way she walked beside me, she truly loved me, and would never let me go. We continued walking till we reached a railing, and we both leaned over, and just turned our heads to each other.... I still remember how her hair fell over her face, covering most of her, and I just saw one eye, and her smile, but the way she looked at me, the way her face changed, like she was truly, deeply happy, and the way she looked at me, I could see it in her eye, that she was happy because of me, just being there with me. All that truly existed in that dream, was absolute, unconditional love, and as I woke up too soon, I would start praying to find that dream again.... That was the moment I learned what true love is....... About 2 years later, I thought back to those nights, and I felt those 2 dreams were setting me straight, guiding me. One telling me to forget about pointless crushes, and empty relationships, and the second one making it clear what I really want in life. I chose to believe in them, just as the first became true, I chose to believe someday, the second would be true as well, someday it would be real, that love would be in my life. I didn't know her name, so from that point on, I began to call her My Angel.

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