29 / Female / Vermont, United States
Gay/Lesbian / Forever Alone
Apr 25, 2018
Mar 27, 2022
Current rating: 10.0/10 (1 votes cast)
You have rated James_Dean_SWS
This is kinda hard. Thing is, when I was a kid, I chose to live by my heart, completely, and be the best person I can be. Completely honest, open, trusting, dependable, loyal, understanding, compassionate, etc.... I would tell myself, I want to be the best friend a person could have. That was a long time ago, but I meant it, so it became my very nature. I didn't realize how much that would alienate me from everyone else. People assume things, and judge so harshly, I've been nothing but alone for as long as I can remember.......
The way I grew up, I chose to value things I felt truly matter. The good and meaningful things, like real relationships, friends, love, and kindness.... I wanted something real in my life, someone I could count on, and I wanted to deserve that, be good enough to be happy someday. I wanted to make someone happy, love someone, and know that I matter, and that after I die, I'll know that my life was for something and that even one person's life is, or was better because I was here. My worst nightmare is feeling I could die tonight, and no one would care, or even notice. If I could simply disappear as if I was never here, than why did I ever live in the first place? How would all the pain be worth enduring, and how would anything I do truly matter?
One more thing, when I say that I need to know that I matter, I mean who I am as a person, my very heart and soul. I can't imagine being satisfied doing things that anyone else could do, or making a difference simply because I'm a living breathing body. It doesn't feel right knowing I could just simply be replaced with any other human being who could do the job.......
Oh, that being said, I'm deeply spiritual. I consider myself a spiritual being who exists in a shell, and my physical body shouldn't define me. That's why I don't use pictures of myself online, because I want the chance to just be me, who I am inside. I do send pictures to friends though, to be fair, so it's not like I won't show myself. I just need to know it's not about how I look. I want a real connection, something meaningful, even if it's just as a friend.
Final things I feel I should mention. I'll admit I'm weird, and awkward. I'm naturally shy, and I don't like opening up, it actually makes me a nervous wreck, but I do it to give people, and myself a chance. Since I chose to live by my heart, and intuition, I see the good in people, so I can sometimes get attached very fast, like loving someone in minutes of talking with them. It's just how I am, but it doesn't mean I expect anyone else to be like that. I might consider someone amazing, and a great friend, and my mind is made up, I'll just wait for her to figure out how she feels about me. I'm honest because I want to be understood, and trustworthy, and I just want to be treated the same way so I can understand others. I believe I could be a good friend to anyone if just given the chance.......
I really like to listen. I feel much better being a friend than actually talking about myself, or my life.
I have Kik, facebook, instagram, and a mobile number, but I don't want complete strangers contacting me, so just message me first if you're interested. By the way, if I don't respond to you, I'm either just not able to, or I feel for some reason I might not be a good friend for you, and I don't want to hurt you. Stuff like satanic, and evil worship make me extremely uncomfortable. I consider myself a being of light, and positive energies, and I don't mix with hate, or chaos.
To be fair, above was when I started this profile. Consider that "me" dead. My Angels deserted me, the demons are the only friends I have left,... my nightmares make more since than my reality, my reality is my nightmare,... can't say I can tell the difference anymore....... My mind is just as warped as the long shattered pieces of my heart,... my insanity and madness are incurable...... Over a decade spent putting others first, starving, breaking, suffering, and left with nothing,... nothing,... day to day, alone, empty, cold....... My kindness got me locked up in my own personal hell, my worst nightmare just repeating every time I wake....... Don't bother to think you can save me, but feel free to give me the company while I burn and drown on repeat.......
P.S. beware of the journals, they'll steal your soul.......💀
30 Seconds To Mars
Bring Me The Horizon
Bullet For My Valentine
Dark New Day
Escape The Fate
(Have to mention my favorite
The Glitch Mob
My Chemical Romance
Pierce The Veil
(GOD YES THIS ONE!)
(My heart bleeds with their music)
Scary Kids Scaring Kids
Sleeping With Sirens
(Here's another one, love their songs)
Favorite = If I'm James Dean, You're Audrey Hepburn
Been looking for my Audrey since 2010
System Of A Down
I love a whole lot of music, and while the emo music really gets my heart, lately I've been deep in Chillstep. It's this sub genre of electronic music, but chill instead of erratic. Some songs are just beautiful, deep, and bring me to tears, even without words. Like listening to the rhythm of someone's soul. I highly recommend "Ten Second Barrier" by Wondai. The lyrics are really deep, like a poem that most people might get, but some will cry to.
Emptiness has darkened my eyes
as I hopelessly beg for my life to end
tell me why
I might edit this a bit more, but I feel this is good enough for now.
Favourite Films / TV / Books
Any Marvel Hero movies
Anything Star Wars
(Movie or Anime/Cartoon)
House Of Night
Education / Occupation
High school grad.
Who I'd Like To Meet
Really, I want to meet friends, someone I can connect with, who's understanding, cares, and actually appreciates being cared for. I want someone who accepts me for who I am, and who I can be good to, and count on.
Who I'd like to meet...?
...jeez, all I ever wanted was someone to just accept me, and appreciate me, but that's just a sad hopeless dream,... so how about a bullet, or blind speeding train to put me out of my misery...?