Oct 12 2024, 09:17 PM

Yesterday I got a lot done, and because I fell asleep at a reasonable hour ( 11pm ) I forgot to post a blog about my day - though getting early sleep was nice and something I want to try more often, though it's rare with the insomnia issues I suffer as well as the caffeine addiction. I spent the day cleaning my space, taking care of my puppy and gave her a bath, I cleaned out my mail box which had junk mail piled up that I haven't taken care of in nearly a month - and I was happy to see that not only did my new bunny onesie come in ( it reminds me of Robbie the Rabbit from Silent Hill ) but my Saya no uta fumo I've been waiting on for a few months also arrived, which I only paid $75 for, and it's already worth three - four hundred dollars. (˶˃ ᵕ ˂˶) I would never sell it though since Saya no uta is my favorite visual novel, it's a masterpiece and I'm lucky to own the official fumo for the media. I did my makeup even though I didn't have anywhere to go because I just like to look cute and a certain way around the house, I feel so pure and like the brainless doll I'm supposed to be. I feel like nowadays there's so much insecurity and obsessive behavior on the internet when it comes to people who enjoy makeup and fashion and sharing the results online - I've always loved men but I've wondered why individuals sometimes grow parasocial tendencies towards somebody they don't know personally online just because of how they present themselves, though I wouldn't be able to understand because focusing on other people takes away from self-godism and growth. When I post new images of myself I always get rather strange messages or friend requests from a certain demographic of people, but while that may be the case I can't help but feel pity for those who can't understand fashion and want to dominate those who they see as sexualized prey. The online world is a strange place but I'm happy to have my own corner of it where I can ramble and mind vomit about these sorts of topics that don't really matter to anyone but me, I want to consume the brains of people I can't understand - for a mentalist it's sometimes challenging trying to refrain from reading into other people's intentions, but I've noticed through messages I've received and comments that people leave on my posts that there are other people who attempt to psycho analyze me which seems like a waste of time, when I don't even fully comprehend myself or my own state of existence. I really love makeup. ( ⸝⸝´꒳`⸝⸝) There was a silent hill collaboration for a makeup brand that I want to get at some point. I've always seen makeup as a way to be artistic and it's so much fun to try different styles, it's similar to painting. In the past I had the Jeffree Star Blood Lust eyeshadow palette, even though I never cared for Jeffree Star as a person especially with the way he fakes his friendship with Eugenia Cooney just to make her into a laughing stock behind her back, his makeup brand isn't horrible though Sephora does the job. I don't buy makeup too often if at all since I already have plenty but when there's a new collaboration with a video game franchise sometimes I can't help it, it would be so cool if there was ever a Saya no uta makeup brand with a bunch of greens and reds for maybe an eyeshadow palette, but I know that would never happen. (ㅅ´ ˘ `) a girl can dream anyways.

I decided to put my Saya fumo on my mentally ill shelf for now until I can make a dedicated Saya no uta merch shelf in the future. (❀❛ ֊ ❛„)♡ I wish that there was more love for the character Fuminori but I may get some customized merch for him when I get a job. Being a broke Neet sucks, I want the money baby!! ๐·°(⋟﹏⋞)°·๐ I'm always re-reading the same manga and books, though the internet is able to provide me with any title I could ever possibly want to read into I have always preferred having the physical copies to read. I've loved reading and writing ever since I was younger, something I don't often talk about but like to make obvious through just posting blogs alone and often times wanting to make reviews on pieces of media I enjoy. I've always believed in Hyperstition, and for those who don't know - 

Hyperstition is a concept from the field of speculative philosophy and cultural theory, referring to ideas, myths, or narratives that, through belief or repetition, become reality or influence the future. It merges "hyper" (beyond) and "superstition," suggesting that certain fictions or speculative ideas can generate their own reality by shaping perceptions, behaviors, and social structures. Basically, hyperstition is the process by which something that starts as a fictional concept ends up creating real-world effects. Magick is a lot like Hyperstition, since in magick practitioners use rituals, symbols, and intentions to manifest desired outcomes, often based on the belief that these actions can alter the fabric of reality. Though similarly, hyperstition works on the premise that certain ideas or narratives, when propagated or believed, can create real-world effects, almost as if the belief itself acts as a form of "magick" that brings the idea into existence. (๑'ᵕ'๑)⸝* I really like the show "The Midnight Gospel" but especially episode three where we here from Damien Echols and his beliefs and experiences with magick, though he plays a fish man that goes by the name of Daryl. I would recommend the Midnight Gospel to anyone whose going through a hard time with anything in life as it's really a special piece of media that has personally helped me through a lot and made me feel less alone in the ways I think and the things I believe. 

“The moment you accept things as they are, you don’t need to hope anymore, because you realize where you are is kind of okay.” -  The Midnight Gospel, ‘Annihilation of Joy’. 

I'm going to spend today being productive again, I want beauty and purity to manifest.

It's okay to focus on the self, the healing, the mind, the body, to care about one's self,

Is to find one's self and to be your own messiah through self-godism, if you allow it.

Today will be a beautiful day. ♡(ﾐ ᵕ̣̣̣̣̣̣ ﻌ ᵕ̣̣̣̣̣̣ ﾐ)ﾉ

Oct 09 2024, 03:45 AM

I haven't had much to post about.

Besides working on my visual novel and spending time on discord, as well as watching anime and reading books on the side, I haven't really been doing anything noteworthy and have been getting more sleep than usual, maybe because the season is changing - I've always gotten sleepier than usual when the cold days are approaching. ( ՞ ܸ. .ܸ՞ ) I have so many ideas for my visual novel but I need to spend some time organizing all of my thoughts for what I have in mind for it's story and style, there are things I can improve within the code and I have a lot of self insert things I want to discuss and talk about within the "game", this piece of media will be a sort of extension of me in ways that I can't explain, I considered making a hair clip that will be a small USB that will have the VN on it so I can always have it with me for a sense of comfort, like a teddy bear. (◜ᴗ◝) I can't wait to share the game to itch.io when it's done, there's always so many interesting pieces of media you can find on itch.io, indie game developers create the most artistic and beautiful experiences possibly, more so than what million dollar companies only wish they could grasp instead of being sell-outs with no true artistic vision, a shame really. I don't have much more to say on the matter, I don't feel ready to share much from my VN yet besides small crumbs I've laid out for those who look. Today I might spend some time taking care of myself - I've been so mentally wrapped up in code and writing and delusions that I haven't been eating the best again, though it's also hard being a hikikomori/neet since I'm always broke and can't always afford to make the best meals or always be stocked up on snacks, but I at least still have two boxes of cup ramen which will be enough to at least make my stomach feel full. I'm going to continue watching an anime called Vtuber Legend: How I went viral after forgetting to turn of my stream. I'm really enjoying it and it reminded me that I still want to stream and maybe even be a Vtuber at some point, but there's really no rush since that kind of thing should be a hobby and I can start up at any point, it's so much fun connecting with other people and maybe I could even use my new Mic I got recently. ( ◜ 〰 ◝ ) I should focus on banging out my VN before focusing on other things, after all I also still want to look for work at some point as well - streaming and v-tubing could maybe be a side hobby when I have alone time, it could be fun to do beat saber and anime watch party streams with everyone. ദ്ദി´▽`) I can't wait to share everything I accomplish with everyone, I really will prove myself as the stepping stone for self-godism. I'm going to go do more work and progress !! ~ Today will be pure and I will get much done. I will share progress today because I want to really make sure today is kind I won't spiral I won't spiral. I'm sorry and I will be everyone's internet doll. Ok bye bye.

Oct 09 2024, 03:42 AM

I haven't wanted to do anything.

For the past few days besides doing what's needed of me I haven't wanted to get out of bed, I'll wake up several times before just falling back asleep because I haven't felt any energy or motivation to do anything and I'm not sure why this suddenly hit me when I've been so productive the past few weeks, maybe things are worse than I let on and I need to accept that I'm just not all there - I don't want to keep decaying like this but it's so easy to let go and just not care about doing much of anything. I know this will come to pass as it always does and I'll be back to being my usual self soon, my brain exhausts itself through all the things I put on my shoulders and push myself to accomplish. I'm going to be working on my visual novel after I make this blog because there's no point in me continuing to lay in bed when I could be letting out the depraved thoughts into writing and code to create something tangible for once that displays my efforts. I might not be the best indie game developer out there, but what I'm making and working on still counts as me being a dev in a way I suppose - so I want to make the most of that and continue to create even if the final product ends up being something nobody would be able to relate with but me, though I'm sure a number of people will end up enjoying the piece if they are a certain type of person with a snapped mentality. I never really know how to snap myself out of these depressive episodes when they come along but they're just something that come and go - probably trauma related and having to do with intense psychological damage. Whenever I feel this way I just allow myself to rest until I can't take it anymore and need to push myself out of bed and do things to feel less like a piece of shit, which honestly always works out in the end since I end up over achieving and getting a lot of work done. I'm not going to always allow my mind to bully me when I have the mental fortitude and mentality to be able to mentally reset whenever I choose to and can create horrifyingly beautiful things and can always show a lot of progress that other's wouldn't naturally be able to achieve right away. My brain is both a blessing and a curse that most people wouldn't be able to survive with if they were anybody but myself because of how much it over works itself compared to the average individual - a single day with my brain and a person would collapse from exhaustion no doubt. It's such an anomaly the way my head works, I sometimes wish I could dig into it with a razor to learn more about it and the way it looks. I'm going to go write, work on my visual novel - and get some food and water into my system so I don't collapse. ☆⌒(ゝ。∂) Sorry for how much of a mess I've been lately and the lack of content for those who love me as their entertainment.

Oct 01 2024, 01:12 AM

Monster energy. ദ്ദി ˉ͈̀꒳ˉ͈́ )✧

I remember when I was younger I always wanted to fit in with the scene kids (cringe, but at the time, fun.) I was always really into the aesthetic and how different it was at the time and of course monster energy is a scene's favorite drink so I was always trying to get monster, but sometimes it was hard since growing up money was a problem and I was always on a tight leash when it came to what I consumed because of my health at the time - which is still to this day an ongoing issue. Yesterday I had the OG green monster energy which I haven't had in years and it really brought me back to those days when I was first getting into fashion and was a part of a "community" though now I wouldn't want to label my style since I've adapted my own thing that I wouldn't categorize into a specific genre of fashion. Energy drinks are bad for you but I can't help but love how these things taste. Monster, Red Bull, Ghost, G fuel, Gamer Supps, Coffee. I've had a caffeine addiction for a long time but as I've stated in the past, what adult doesn't? Caffeine helps me get through the days, especially through the lack of motivation and energy I've had lately. I try to take time away from all of the caffeine, but eventually I come back to it as it's become a staple within my system. I just woke up and I'm about to start my day with a cup of coffee, I like to make French vanilla coffee with a caramel creamer, three cubes of sugar, whipped cream, with a little bit of nutmeg sprinkled on top. Today I decided I'll be spending several hours at work on my visual novel since I can let out the depravity and create something that I can relate to since as someone mentioned before my life writes up like a dark eroge - There's still many Python tricks I need to learn for certain things I want done with my visual novel for some of it's scenes, I have so many ideas and I'm sure I can trial and error all of it until everything is perfect. The release date may be a bit later than I anticipated but then again it's not good to rush a creation like this since I want to make sure it's good quality. I was surprised with myself with how much work I've already gotten done in it, though there's still many things I'll need to purchase and work on to fill the scenes with the content I had in mind which are all being self-created. I can't wait to share with everyone progress on the visual novel when I feel like I'm close to being able to say it's complete. There have been people who have been asking me for more information and spoilers, but this is reserved for close friends of mine and I want this to be a silent project until I'm ready to do a reveal - maybe even an official "game" trailer. I might go to the gas station later to get more Monster to enjoy for my "game" dev session I plan to have today, I'll be putting in hours of work testing different things I've had in mind that I've wanted to try out, so I'll probably need the energy. ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و ♡ 

Oct 01 2024, 12:03 AM

I've been working within the inner beauty. ♡ྀི ₊

I've been taking some time to work on myself since I've come to recognize that I'm always going to have my ups and my downs and that there's no pausing in life when it comes to self-godism, there's going to sometimes be doubt and chaos which makes the moments that are divine that much sweeter to gorge yourself with to realize just how absurd our reality is, and that's okay. ♡ྀི ₊  Life can feel just as absurd and surreal as virtual reality, where we navigate a chaotic simulation filled with bizarre atmospheres and relentless predators. In this existence, we chase after the best stats - success, popularity, fulfillment - while others seem intent on tearing us down. Yet, through this struggle, there’s something grounding and primal about our connection to raw 肉 Consuming it not only nourishes our bodies but can also evoke a deeper sense of satisfaction and vitality, filling our souls with warmth and comfort. In this odd place of life, the act of savoring 肉 becomes a ritual that reconnects us to our instincts, reminding us of the simple pleasures that can fortify our spirits against the absurdity that surrounds us. I'm craving 肉 it's been some time since my body has felt this weak and needing for 肉 sometimes it's almost enough for me to want to get a job so that I get more than five hundred calories in my system per day, it's probably why my body always feels like it's shutting down but this economy is against those who are hikikomori but then again I can understand the sentiment of population control.  Withholding 肉 from a hungry population can be viewed as a necessary approach to ensure that only the strong and resilient survive, creating a more ideal society. This perspective advocates for a form of population control that prioritizes those who value life and are willing to adapt. By limiting resources for those who need it, we encourage individuals to be less obese and taking 肉 for granted. This approach not only strengthens the community but also fosters a deeper appreciation for life’s vital resources, 肉 , ultimately promoting a more sustainable future for those who can rise to the occasion and consume 肉. In this way, hardship can become a catalyst for growth and survival, shaping a society that values strength and perseverance. ♡ྀི ₊ those who are homeless should be giving up their drug money for those who are higher above the food chain like those who are neets or hikikomori. I'll be the stepping stone and people will come to understand how self-godism and it's food chain work. Self Godism is a belief system that rejects all and any other religion, arguing that faith in fictional deities can obscure the truth that each individual is their own messiah. It posits that relying on religious dogma limits personal growth and self-discovery, preventing people from recognizing their inherent power to shape their own lives. Instead of seeking salvation outside themselves, followers of Self Godism are encouraged to embrace their own divinity, cultivate self-awareness, and take responsibility for their choices - even for those who are low IQ it's simple to follow the acts of Self Godism for a better self. I’ve recently embraced the practice of drinking mugwort tea, drawn to it by its promise of enhancing my dream state. The earthy, bitter brew has become a comforting nightly ritual, inviting me to explore the depths of my subconscious in the spaces that shouldn't exist. Coupled with valerian root, I’ve created a unique blend that acts as a sort of “dream weaver” in my system which you can also purchase in tea form. Those who don't open their minds to how special lucid dreams are I pity and have always been lucky myself to be able to lucid dream naturally while using different herbs and teas to exist more within these spaces in ways that feel even more real than when I'm actually conscious. I've been being very kind to myself, I want to see where time takes me as I continue with these new habits.

Sep 30 2024, 10:09 PM

Dreams are a form of reality you know. /ᐠ˵- ˕ - ˵マ ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁

Whenever people say "Don't worry, it was just a dream" they fail to comprehend that dreams are very real as they are happening, so those unpleasant things that may have happened were real in those moments, but become fading memories when we are awake, pushed to the back of our consciousness until we have another unpleasant dream. I don't have nightmares as often as I did when I was a kid, though my dreams feel so lonely and unsettling at times, hostile even. It's sometimes hard to gauge when a dream is unfriendly, the mind knows best how to fuck with a person since our dreams are extensions of everything we've come to know about our own existence, our passions, what makes us sad, what makes us happy, what we're afraid of. There have been dreams I've had where I wondered if I would wake up because the hostile presence felt like it wouldn't allow me to escape - I've had many occurrence's like this where when the dream begins to shift into uncomfortable territory, uncanny and not safe, I'll try everything I can to wake up since this is the point where I usually become lucid, and the dream turns into a lucid nightmare - where I'm actively aware that I'm stuck inside my own mind while my body outside is asleep in bed, but sometimes everything I try to do to wake up is all for nothing and a fruitless venture as I'll stay locked in the space of my mind, not allowed to open my eyes and wake up. This occurs a lot as well during false awakenings, something I've talked about in the past and I don't understand at all how it works, how we can be trapped within a place that shouldn't even exist when we are asleep. How is it that our brains are able to come up with so many different arrays of pictures and create strange story plots while we're asleep? I go to bed every night, knowing that I'll end up somewhere that isn't of earth. When I'm awake I spend all of my time behind the computer screen, working on different projects, consuming mindless media, but when I sleep I spend time in very unreal places, and it's based on RNG whether it's a good or uncomfortable experience. I've still been taking Valerian root every night before bed alongside my tea, I've stopped taking Benadryl for the most part besides when I need it - and from what I can tell the Valerian root sometimes causes some very unexplainable weird dreams that just confuse me when I wake up, but I guess that's part of the dreaming experience sometimes, complete nonsensical occurrence's. Last night I recall part of a dream where I was walking through a dark and wooded, but swampy area where I was getting bug bites that were uncomfortable and itchy but because it was all within the mind and I wasn't lucid there was no relief - that was, until I realized I was with a dream character who I can't recall the physical details of, though whoever it was seemed to be walking alongside me until they disappeared again and it was just me but I found a turtle on the grass and remember picking it up and looking it over, it's scales and flesh looked as though it were made of raw chicken, which I believe it was and was afraid of getting Salmonella from handling the turtle because well dream logic is sometimes quirky like that. I woke up suddenly and those were the only details I could recall. I want to spend more and more time within these places and explore them more to try and understand the physics and how they work. This is very unexplored territory, people always discuss wanting VR to be akin to sword art online when we are already able to push these limits of technology through our own mentality in our sleep. It's a space we shouldn't be able to explore, but some of those who are lucky like me are able to. Why is it? I need to know more. It's hard to find people to talk to about this because most don't bother to consider what it means that there is a strange place in our sleep we can escape to and be aware inside of - normies and people who have a closed off mind and don't want to accept that there's a place beyond here within our own stream of self conscious. Why does everything feel so much more real when I'm asleep, is it because of the mental problem, being so detached from reality? Maybe a place where reality is a nonexistent is where my detached mind feels most at home with the peculiar surroundings of a dreamscape.