Are you crying or is it the rain, falling down to wash away your tears? Are you crying or is it your pain I see glistening in your eyes? Are You Crying?, by Cinema Bizarre
My father and mom went to court this morning. What fucking pissed me off the most is that he LIED to get custody of my sister and me until they officially get divorced. I think he's going to try to be a kissbutt and then try to get my sister and me to rule for him, but I've seen how he treated my mom and my sister and me. He really shouldn't be a father and really shouldn't even have custody of us. I'd be a better father and mother combined than him. He's such a fucking bitch. He really shouldn't even try anymore. I want my mom to take custody or I'm moving out with a friend. I'm not taking his bullshit with his chupacabra of a girlfriend. I'm going to think what's best for myself and best for my mom since it looks like my father is just fucking fine.
It should not have come to this.
I think I'm starting to lose sleep in the worst ways and for the wrong reasons.
It doesn't make any sense, my bed is comfortable and I don't miss my mom as much.
My aunt is getting me male swim shorts and a male-like haircut for me. Even allowing me to get hair dye and dye my hair.
And being at Zumiez, I have one big ass supporting crew for me to be myself and happy. Even being at my aunt and uncle's house made me realise new stuff.
I need to stop holding back and be more like myself. But these things shouldn't be the reason why I'm losing sleep every night.
I rarely take naps longer than 2 hours and no more than one a day.
I go to sleep at 4 in the morning and wake up from a time between 7-9 in the morning.
This isn't normal and it's driving me fucking mad.
And then no one will fucking talk to me. I have lost sight in what I've done wrong to even start losing sleep and losing friends. I know I fucked up, but why won't they fucking message me so I can apologise this time... I need some of them back...
All of the people I called friends. Gone. This time I have proof of them being driven away by me.
I'll never be able to live with myself now.
All of them. I just up and gave up on them. I took the easy way out. I didn't take into consideration how they would feel or how they were feeling.
Some of them were happy, and some were stressed.
But those people were soon to be left by me.
I abandoned my friends.
I took advantage of them.
I insulted them.
I now realise I was never worthy of having friends because I constantly end up making them leave.
The moment I believe I'll have a friend for a long time, I blow it days later. I blew my chances of anything.
I want friends but I can't handle it. I always take the easy way out.
I always give up. I always contradict myself.
What kind of person am I...
The main question is, should I even live anymore because I hurt others...
Is it worth living peacefully if I damaged their lives?
I think not.
It's time I take the hard way and either suffer unhappily or literally drown the next time I can.
Both are slow and painful.
I guess it's my time to suffer next.
Some days I honestly want to give up and have my friends blindfolded while they stab or shoot me to death.
I'm just waiting for the day, because I know it will happen.
I know it will.
Thick as fuck
Hard as ice
I know I will never be nice
Weak mind
Sour soul
My insides is a black hole
Falling behind
Not near, but far
I'm still nothing through it all
Sick and twisted
No one there
I just hide inside my lair
There's the blade
Take the knife
I know I can't end my life
Stupid and dumb
Cowardly and done
I am the unwanted one
Take the knife
Feel the blade
And I myself will ever fade
Done and gone
No one to apologise
When I should have realised
I was stupid
I was fake
Kill me with a wooden stake
Because of me
Because I was weak
I go into an eternal sleep.
There are too many days where I fuck up peoples' lives and just my thoughts shouldn't even be existent. Why do I exist when all I do is destroy? Why do I live when all I do is plan to die? Why do I have friends when I always make the wrong moves? The answer is I don't. I do not live, I don't have friends that want me anymore, and I really shouldn't and don't exist to anyone. I have told so many people that if I died the next day, they wouldn't miss me or even care to remember. And it's probably the most true thing I have ever said. If I died today, no one would notice or care. I desire love but all I get is ignored. I desire friends and all I make are enemies. I desire a life, but all I can manage is routine that is not controlled by me.
I am broken.
I am bitter.
It is me.
But I just wish I would die tomorrow to see how happy I made others. It wouldn't make me happy, but my happiness doesn't matter anymore. If it did, I would be happy, and others would just be unhappy. That's why mine doesn't matter. I want others to be happy. My happiness no longer matters and never will.
I regret everything I made happen.
I destroy so many things, now I can't take it back.
I've gotten to the point where my depression seems like bipolar. I find something lovely for a second but then I snap and break down inside.
I stood in the hallway for 5 minutes during my trigonometry class. The ground started moving, almost like the little patterns were shaking swiftly. I kept looking down and just so close to breaking down completely.
I didn't want to go home and have to face my mother asking me questions as to what happened.
I've been depressed for going on 3 weeks now. Zaeda still hasn't said a word to me and Dai still seems uninterested in me.
I don't know what to do.
I've snapped so many times before out of anger, but what am I supposed to do? I can't just storm out of the classroom during testing. I have state testing tomorrow and Wednesday and I can't even get the depression out of my head. I can't even listen to music without thinking about all of the songs that are slow and talk about losing someone.
Cancer by My Chemical Romance.
Terrible Things by Mayday Parade.
Remembering Sunday by All Time Low.
Moving On by Asking Alexandria.
Life After You by Daughtry.
I even sung myself a 30+ minute depression song. I repeated the same phrase so much. "Don't trust me." "I'm not who you want me to be." "It's my time to die." "I told you a lie." "I don't want to see you cry." "I always made you bleed."
In the end, music didn't help me. If the music didn't help, then nothing would at this point.
I screwed things up so much to the point where what I've done is not reversible and even if I try to fix it, it wouldn't be the same.
Dai proved that point.
Zaeda proved that point.
Lizzie proved that point.
Cia proved that point.
Mason proved that point.
Everyone is able to prove that point and some day that point will be proven to every person I will meet or have met.
I don't blame anyone for not wanting to communicate with me or be in the general area with me. I've been dealing with that fact for years now. It hasn't changed.
I just really thought Dai and Zaeda would be the ones who change me indirectly. They be my best friends and I would change to be the person I want to be. I never gave up on that dream.
Dai was like my role model.
Zaeda was like my best-est friend.
I had a thing for Zaeda. Dai was the one I called brother.
I just wish I didn't fuck up everything.
I miss Zaeda so much. He just disappeared and never told me why or what happened.
I feel like I really did drive him away.
And Dai. I already did drive him away.
I feel like he does hate me now and is probably relieved that I'm not going to Warped Tour.
I ended driving both out of my life because of my depression.
I couldn't suck it up.
I let my depression get in the way of our friendship and jeopardised it.
And both typically say it's okay.
But no. They know now it was never okay.
I took advantage of them. They let me have my depressive moments and I took advantage of it.
I let myself do it.
I know I should've don't something about it wen it was getting excessive.
Now Dai doesn't even talk to me the same way and Zaeda doesn't talk to me at all.
I miss them both. The way they were when I met them. When we agreed on things that were just ourselves. When we had our opinions and were okay with them. When he used to laugh at the stupidest nonsense ever.
But no. I'll never get that back.
I won't be able to.
Because I ruined my friendship with them.
Because I took advantage of them.
Because I started getting more and more depressed.
Because I was involved in their life for too long.
I should've died months ago. Years ago actually.
I wasn't supposed to live another 10 years.
I was supposed to die.
Would've saved them both the issues I've caused them.
Would've made everyone happier in the end.
I wish I didn't always wreck everyone's life.
