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jaden_lynn's Journal

Total Journal Entries: 14

May 14 2020, 01:07 AM

So I have come to terms that my life will not be getting any better. I already have so much that is wrong with me. I have Bipolar depression, social anxiety, I am 58% insane, and not to mention the fact that I put to much faith in everyone around me. They could be a killer and I would still look to them for advice. I only have few people left in my life that make me a little bit happy. They are my dad, my grandma, and my crush. Now it is just my dad and grandma, not even that- you see yesterday I found my dad crying (which is a bad sign, because he never cries), when I asked him what was wrong, he simply said, "I talked to grandma." At that moment I wanted to curl up and hide from the world.-I build more and more walls around my heart. I don't know how long I can take it, how long I can keep this in my head. I want someone to hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I need someone to look at me and not judge. I'm going insane being alone, but I'm afraid to open up. I don't want people to worry, and I don't want to be hurt anymore. I stand alone in my corner, and people don't give me a second glance. I wish that I didn't feel trapped in my head. I started to think about why this is happening to me. I can't find anyone to blame, even if there are people I need to blame, I just feel bad about it. Because I need to be in charge of my happiness, it's hard, but everything is. I can't get out of the mindset that everything is my fault. I can't get out of the mindset that I should be the one to take responsibility for other people feeling down, for bad relationships with people, for myself feeling insane and alone. I don't want to make new friends, or let people in, because they leave me. I'm just to fragile for anymore. I saw my dad cry for the first time, and wanted to die. I wanted to lock myself in my room until I wasted away. But I knew I had to be strong. I knew that I needed to be there for my parents and friends. I don't want them to feel what I feel. So if I have to be the one in pain, the one who has to carry emotional baggage for everyone else, I will. Like they say, "The ones who hurt the most, smile the brightest." I smile even when it hurts. I wait until I know I'm alone so I can cry, so I can get out my anger. Most people that see me say they have never seen my sad or angry. I'm just waiting for that one day that I crack under the pressure to be the perfect example. Too many people are looking up to me, they all need me to be the happy person I pretend to be. I don't want to have to pretend anymore. I don't want to feel the urge to leave people behind. I don't want to feel like telling people my problems will make me feel bad. I can't tell anyone what I'm going through. People tell me it's okay to shout; "I need help!" I just can't do that, not with people counting on me. Not with people using me as a support system. I need to keep social, and I need to keep my friends. Okay, let's look at my friends, I have all energetic and happy friends. Sometimes I don't feel like pretending to be happy, so I detach from them for a while. It's the reason most friendships end. I only have a few, well now only ONE, IRL friend. The thing about online friends is that I can pretend without even really trying. I can cry, but in a text I can sound happy and calm. I don't have to feel the pressure all that much. And if I don't feel like talking, nobody asks why I'm gone.
I'm truly sorry to whoever reads all my entries. I don't want to feel down, or closed in. I use this space to let out all my tears. I really don't need anyone to tell me that I need more friends, or more human contact, it makes it worse for my mental stability. I've been getting people telling me to be better all my life, I don't need more of that. Not that I'm yelling at anyone in particular, just wanted to let you know what is helping and what isn't.


-Jaden Lynn Lawrence-Olsen

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Apr 13 2020, 10:19 AM

April 12, 2020
You are not going to believe this, no one in their right minds is going to believe this. One day I was cleaning my room and was moving the furniture. I was moving an old chair from my grandma’s house. A nice chair with a floral printed cushion. I never really liked it, it always kind of creeped me out. I always feel like someone is sitting in that chair and watching me. It’s not even just the chair that gives me the creeps. You see, in my room I have a lot of old things, like an old desk, my bed, the dresser, a jewelry box, and my bed side tables, as well as some lamps, clock, paintings, and some old music boxes, are all old and don’t belong to me. I always liked collecting old things, and I am a fan of horror movies and Urban Legends. Although I had never had anything really creepy happened to me specifically, I have been in multiple haunted houses. My old house was haunted, and my grandma’s house is haunted. Most of the items I own are from those houses. I was moving the chair so that I could vacuum my room. I moved it by my bed and continued to vacuum. While I was vacuuming I couldn’t help but look at it, as if someone was sitting there, waiting, watching. When I had finally finished vacuuming, I put the chair in a corner by my floor length mirror. I was tired of looking at it empty, so I put an old painting on it. I had decided that I was not going to spend any more time in my room. When I was away from my room I got tons of chills down my spine. I had no idea what was going on. One day I went to get the mail. We live on a ½ mile road. I never really liked our neighbors, mostly because I was told that they were part of a cult. They were all old people and had a weird fascination with my siblings and I. So as I went down the road, I made sure that I was not near any of the houses. I felt as if someone was watching me. I looked behind me and sighed as I noticed that no one was there. I turned back around and shook my head, as I did this I could feel a hand on my shoulder. I felt another chill down my spine, as I noticed that no one was there. I quickly got the mail and ran the ½ mile home. I had begun to notice that at meals, I would be hungry until food was put in front of me. I also began to feel like someone was touching me. When I sleep, I don’t sleep well, I wake up from dreamless sleep to feel like someone is sitting in the chair. If someone is reading this, please tell me what I must do to get rid of this thing, I want to be able to feel alone again. Please!
-Jaden L-O


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Apr 13 2020, 12:09 AM

A good horror story: Tombstone Terror
Alan and Matt were ghost hunters. They would visit old cemeteries and see if they could stir up a spirit from an old tombstone. They set up their recorder on a particularly large and ornate headstone and prepared to begin. They were afraid to shine their flashlights on the stone to see the name engraved there, as trespassing in the cemetery at night was illegal. They had crawled over the fence at the rear of the cemetery to avoid the caretaker.

Matt flipped the on button on the recorder and said aloud, “We would like to speak to whoever lies beneath this stone.” In response, all they heard was the scratching noise that seemed to come from behind the tombstone.

With a calm voice Alan said, “Please tell us your name.”

Again, the only response was a scratching noise, so Matt said, “We only wish to speak with you. Please show yourself.”

Suddenly, both young men felt the air turn cold, and a tall, dark shadow rose from behind the tombstone. The shadow moved to engulf them. Alan and Matt had many encounters with spirits, and were not afraid. Too, late, they both realized the apparition meant them harm. The shadow swept down, engulfing them, and pulled them into the ground beneath the tombstone.

The next morning, the caretaker of the cemetery found the recorder on the ground by the tombstone. He turned it on, and after each question, he heard the following response:

“Yes…I am here.”

“My name is never spoken by the living.”

“If I show myself, it will be the last thing you will ever see.”

“I got you both!”

The caretaker quietly picked up the recorder. Knowing he had the only evidence that someone had been in the cemetery and by that tombstone, he went to his tool shed and tossed the recorder into a pile with many others.

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Apr 08 2020, 07:21 AM

creepy quotes I love: “Do you want to know why I use a knife? Guns are too quick. You can’t savor all the… little emotions.” “Blood is really warm, it’s like drinking hot chocolate but with more screaming.” “Naughty John, Naughty John, does his work with his apron on. Cuts your throat and takes your bones, sells ’em off for a coupla stones.” “Walls have ears. Doors have eyes. Trees have voices. Beasts tell lies. Beware the rain. Beware the snow. Beware the man You think you know.” “Despite my ghoulish reputation, I really have the heart of a small boy. I keep it in a jar on my desk.” “O little one, My little one, Come with me, Your life is done. Forget the future, Forget the past. Life is over: Breathe your last.”



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Apr 07 2020, 10:15 AM

well, now that there is no more school until next year, I have a whole summer to write my feelings in here. I JUST WANT SOMEONE MY AGE TO TALK TO face-to-face!!I hate that there is no one here my age always too old or too young.

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Apr 07 2020, 05:13 AM

My thoughts on love: In short I think it's overrated! People get rejected, people break up, people feel like they have to pretend to be a perfect couple- even though you know you aren't and you just don't want it to end. But most importantly, people get back together with the people that hurt them. Now I've done this once, so take it from me, unless they can prove that they changed, DON'T DO IT! I went out with a guy-We'll call him Jeff-who told me he loved me, he was so romantic when in public, but when we were alone, he would never pay attention to me, he would be on his phone constantly and would often talk to other girls. I would make excuses for him every day, thinking that one day he would just change and... well I'm not sure what I was hoping for, just something, that he would just be the same person in public as he was when we were alone. I broke up with him when I found him cheating. And I was so sad, I didn't do things that I used to love, I closed off from people, put more walls around my heart. I limited my friend circle, until it was only 1 friend that I hung out with. Then one day, as I was walking down the hall, Jeff stopped me and told me that he was sorry, that the other girl was just a nobody that he thought was for him. He told me that he was a mistake and that he had been thinking of cutting himself, that without me he was not willing to live in this world. And stupidly I believed him, I let him control me. He told me who I should hang out with, what I should wear, how I should act. My friends told me that he was a bad person, but I just kept making excuses. It wasn't until another boy told me he liked me, and that he could see i was unhappy, did I notice what Jeff was doing. So I broke it off with Jeff and then went to have THREE more bad relationships, but none of them as bad as my first one. The second one was broken because he was a player. The third one was broken because I didn't get to know him well enough before dating him, so we had different likes. And you would think that I would learn my lesson after the third one, but no, my recent ex made me feel awkward and I really didn't get to know him well enough before I stated to date him. So yeah, those are my thought on love, of course I can't say love is bad, I've just never had a good relationship.

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Apr 03 2020, 11:19 AM

with each passing day I get sadder and sadder. I am worthless, I cry every day now, knowing that it would be better to tell someone, but I can't let people get upset or worried about me.I don't want to bring people down, or make them feel sad or pity me, so I pretend to be happy. all of you who are reading this and see me on the chat, yeah, I pretend to be happy there. I know you might be thinking, why go on the chat then? Well I was told that in order to feel better, and in order for me to cope with these emotions I keep inside, I have to talk to people so that I can get these emotions out. Even though I don't tell anyone these emotions I have, I still let the emotions out, I do it in secret so no one knows. I know that people will read this and think, that what I do is dumb... well then I guess it's dumb to have other people's interests and needs above your own. I want just one person to come up to me and give me a hug, to tell me that I can tell them anything. For people to listen to what I have to say, because in this world I am invisible, no one hears my screams for help, no one helps me when I need it. People only notice when it's too late.

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Apr 02 2020, 08:14 AM

-deep sigh- why do I fall for people? I kind of wish I never liked anyone, I want to give up, just give up and not look back. But I want someone who is here to comfort me and to tell me everything is going to alright, to hold tight and never let go... but I'm asking too much. I know other people's perceptions of me shouldn't matter, but I can't get it out of my head that I don't deserve anyone. I should just save people trouble, by just saying I'm in a relationship, just so people don't try to get with me...because whoever is reading this, I'm not worth it, don't bother. I need time away from everyone, just need to get away from any contact...maybe it'll make me feel better. It usually does. welp I'm off, bye!

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Mar 26 2020, 02:43 AM

a poem by me:
Pressure:
I am a girl who is pressured,
pressured by her parents,
by her siblings,
by her friends,
she tries to be happy,
to not let anyone know,
to show no emotion,
because she was taught that it was weakness,
sometimes she breaks down,
she hurts someone close to her,
so she stops talking to them,
because it is better than hurting them again,
she keeps to herself,
as to not hurt people again,
she can't sleep, because she thinks about the pressure she is under,
she thinks about the hopes and dreams that will not be fulfilled,
of expectations she will not meet,
of all the people she will let down,
she wishes she could end it,
rip the red and blue strands that tie her to life,
she hates to be alone,
with no one to love,
but she hates to be in love and be with someone,
because she feels she'll never be good enough,
that she'll hurt them,
but she doesn't try to end it,
because it could hurt people,
because if she has to be tortured just so that she could make people happy,
she'll do it,
she still wants someone to love,
she is bullied,
but she suffers through it,
hoping that one day it will go away,
she is told that she is nothing,
she believes it,
she doesn't want to listen,
to the voices in her head that tell her she is worthless,
she tries to shut them up,
but they get louder, and louder,
the pressure creates cracks,
in her image,
in her mind,
she wants it to stop,
that one day someone will notice,
to have it stop torturing her,
but it swallows her up,
she starts to block people out,
to close up,
she sinks into the depths of depression,
no one helps her,
they all just watch her drown,
not caring until it's too late.

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Mar 25 2020, 11:56 PM

i noticed that i try to make people feel happy so that they don't feel worthless like me.

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Mar 11 2020, 01:58 AM

so, i am going to use this free time to tell you about my book. YES that's right, I'm writing a book!! it is about a girl who is the spawn of a witch and a demon. she could choose to be good, or evil. she is torn between two guys she likes. one is a demon and the other a good witch, with some hidden agendas. so if you want to read what i have so far, comment your gmail below! XD

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Mar 11 2020, 01:45 AM

today was boring. so i thought i might update my journal by telling you a story from my terrible life! let me see, which one should i start with... OH! i know, the story of my early yrs. (why and how i was adopted).

well in order to tell you why i was put up for adoption, i have to tell you my mom's story.
my mom grew up with a mom and a dad, like most kids. but one day, i forget how old she was, her mom left her and her twin sisters with their dad. he was not an okay man. when my grandma left, he decided that my mom was perfect for him. (WARNING- next sentence gets pretty graphic). He then raped her. when my grandma found out, she put my mom up for adoption. now, my grandma was in foster care until she was 18, when you now have to live on your own. my mom was the same. she then started to do drugs, drink alcohol, and now thought that in order for someone to love her, they had to have a child together. That's right, i'm a bastard. when my mom met my dad they instantly fell in love, maybe it was bad judgement from all the drugs, but decided to have a kid and get married. i was con-sieved either their first year together or the second(can't remember). they did their best to keep me happy as a baby, but i was too much work for my young parents. i don't know how it happened but at the age of 1, i was taken away and put into foster care. All my mother had to do was go to a parenting class, but she didn't. my dad visited me, until i turned 2, then i forget why, but he stopped coming. then i was adopted by two gay guys, my parents now, at the age of 3. they weren't married yet, and they had adopted another girl. turns out that little girl, 2 years younger than me, was my sister. Yup, my mom had another kid, and this time had abandoned it! not long after my 3rd birthday, my new parents got married, i can put up a picture if i find one. a few years go by and we hear about another kid my mom left, this is my brother, 5 yrs younger than me.
Soo, yeah this was chapter one of my life, sorry it was so long!

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Mar 06 2020, 09:10 PM

Well, yesterday was very fun! In my school, my 6th hour teacher called a greenhouse-turns out it was the one where my dad works-so he told her to tell me I was beautiful at least 4 times. that is exactly what she did.

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Mar 06 2020, 03:33 AM

Soooooo, um this is the first entry. I guess you could say I'm TIRED of being alone in this vast world. I mean there has to be someone for me out there. I'm hoping that being on this site will help me get that person. I kind of like guys who do cute embarrassing stuff, like weird dancing, I know that's a lot to ask of the world!

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Total Journal Entries: 14