Jun 09 2018, 08:09 PM

fish come from the dirt

May 26 2018, 07:52 PM

ha t red i s a 6 3 l ett er w or d

May 18 2018, 12:31 PM

Good God, it's been nearly a year since I made one of these, and even longer since I've posted journal entries regularly. Anyway, I guess I'll get on to venting. Ya'll ever just isolate yourself to flex on your mental illness but your mental illness is actually flexing on you and you have to question free will for a sec? (Making your mental illness into a shitpost is top tier shield, will doe for years/10) Does anyone else with moderate to severe ptsd or any mental illness in general ever encounter a something that triggers really deep distress from memories you desperately want to forget that's so bad you just sort of shut everything out and split off into a state of disassociation and paranoia while your perception of time gets completely fucked? (Oof, that run-on sentence, though) God what a stupid question, of course other people go through that. I'm such a fucking idiot. I try my best to stay as grounded and attached to reality as possible as to avoid things escalating, I try to read up on self-help and generally just manage everything I can to sort of be my own therapist. (I'm doing kind of a shitty job but I'm not dead yet so) I don't know what I'm asking here or who I'm asking anything of, I guess I just want to know what others would do maintain composure. I'm off all of my medication and I'm avoiding trauma therapy like the plague as I'm still not in a safe environment and my parent is not stable. When I tried trauma therapy before the therapist said that part of the end goal would be to vent my trauma to my adoptive mother. (A woman in denial about her own instability who has had some violent abusive outbursts in the past) Bottom line is; I love her dearly, but I don't trust her. Not to mention I have the constant fear looming over me that if I ever said too much to a therapist I would end up in court and I'd have to see the faces of people that I have worked for so long to block out. My secondary fear is that I will be hospitalised again due to self-harm and I've had several experiences that were not exactly what one might call therapeutic. Maybe it's just the hospitals my insurance will pay for or something but I've meant some horrible people working in psychiatric facilities, or maybe they weren't horrible maybe they were just stressed and taking it out of the patience a bit? I don't know. What was the point of this again? I'm just talking to myself. I guess it isn't that much different from my daydreaming where I pace in my room for hours listening to music and accidentally whispering to myself. I should be doing schoolwork, I shouldn't be upset. God, I just love executive dysfunction. Maybe I should rant about something more, I don't even know. Something's wrong but things aren't allowed to be wrong. I'm just so tired. Crent, what' cirrent? Electric currents, Currency. Current flows, Current topics. c-u-r-r-e-n-t current. See? I can type, I swear. lol Anyway With taxes we are barely making it, we're cutting things so damn close this ywear, had to sert up a payment plan of course because the damn fool we lost the house to forgot disclaimers We have the p roperty Not the house, not the walls What else is new? I'm shutting him out, the only person who knows me and loves me is being shut out. I know he's worried sick, his father shows concern, brother doesn't give a fuck, and his mother is stressed and fears the worst; that I don't love him anymore... I still love him. What else is new? He said it was an accident, I believe him, but how do you tell someone that an accident fucked you up? How do you tell someone that an accident really is as bad as they thought when you don't want them to hate themselves? How do you tell someone that a sentence set you back a few years in your recovery process? How do you tell someone that one accident made you start having nightmares about them beating you? How do you say that to someone who loves you? How do you tell someone that they hurt you without making them suffer from knowing they hurt you? how?How?how/howdoImakeeverythingokayagain I've been feeling like I've been being watched for the past few months, feeling like I saw something I wasn't meant to see. I don't know what I saw. I didn't see anything. What did I see? I didn't see anything. I see what I saw I didn;t see anything I didn;t see anything. I didn't didn't did. ? I'm just typing my brain not whats in my mind but typing the brain itself but structured sentences can be hard structured sentences can be hard I want structure. I want structure. Control, control, I want control I don't want to remember I don't want to remember typing Can't type it enough I don;t want to remember Please don't remember word keep shorting out from my head my hands chop along keys and characters clacking click clocking glocks the sounds shock my skull clickity clack tap tap tap numbers letter symbols sounds code code Code? Code is language and language does not make sense the meaning of meaning has meaning and the words in definitions have meanings everything used to describe something and vice versa and it doesn;t make sense and things that don't makes sense aren;t right if it's not right it doesn;t make sense and things that don't make sense aren't right Do you wonder who came before God? Do you ever break for a moment trying to grasp infinity without concrete equations? Do you ever\just\break? click click click went my jaw as a child swell swell swell went my eye from the door the door he let go with the wind and the storm the tornado didn't touch down that day the tornado didn't touch down that day it didnt touch down down t that day my brain t ype s in aut o pilot sometimes it's good to type with minininmal thoughhhhhht no substance just clarity but no clarity not free notfreeeeeee Do you ever just want to scream until your lungs burst and pop?

May 28 2017, 05:36 AM

As I've begun typing this it's Sunday, May 28th 2017, 1:11 AM Eastern time, (This site is dead though so I guess that makes this the best place to vent shit since essentially no one will see it.) Last year I died.  I'm breaking in a room alone because last time I had the true chance to tell you I loved you, you said you had no respect for me as a human being and I told you I was far gone and over you, so maybe all those times you said I was a liar, it really was true, because God only knows if I was genuine then maybe I'd be getting by, maybe I'd be able to make due. But even now, as I'm alone and won't make it out alive know that there's still a sense of love for you that once helped me thrive, the anger and hatred I expressed was merely a shield to keep me from breaking down and revealing the harsh reality. You see, now from where I stand I'd give anything to hold your hand, and if I could just once go back in time I wouldn't even save myself from violence and crimes, I would go back to help you with all I know about myself now, I'd hold us both together, I wouldn't push you away or let people or things that are temporary pull us apart. You were my first, my last, and only, the one person that has my heart and even now when there's others to hold and try to fill the void, they can't even make an indent on the empty space beyond them.