You still there?
On August Twenty Seventh in the year of Twenty Fourteen I joined this site on my first account.
I originally joined when I was twelve and incredibly suicidal, I made a typo and discovered this shitty site but me being in my emo phase I joined for site modelling since that was the 'Oh so totally cool' scene kid thing to do at the time.
Long story short: I never had the guts to do the site modelling thing due to fear and anxiety, but maybe I'll do that soon
Update: I became a site model after four years!!!!!!
Latest update: 1/31/23
This account is an archive chronicling the ages of 13 to 21 (with reuploaded images from my previous account that contained images from the ages 11-12). Not much has changed other than the gutting transformation of going fron a pierce the veil warped tour scene kid to a jaded basement show attending diy emo/"midwest" emo/skramz elitist. This account remains up in the aftermath of years of grooming and various sociopolitical pipelines I've fallen down. Terrible things have happened and this remains. I only keep this account for the memories. Not the nostalgia. But because I fear without a visual reminder I will repress all that I have been through. Be kind to your inner child and the edgy site browing tween you once were. Hindsight might be 20/20 but God only knows you needed an adult like the one you've become. If I ever lose my battle to mental illness, this will be here and no one close to me in real life will know. But I will. And that means something for now.
My name is Carson. Many people on here called me Ava though due to my username.
My If you would like contact info just DM me.
I don't use this account frequently. To be fully honest I primarily use this account to upload photos/selfies to this site out of habit because I've been going it for nearly 8 years now. (As I'm typing this) and it's fun to see how I evolve.
personality tests by similarminds.com
Cattell's 16 Factor Key
|Factor||low score||high score|
|Warmth||cold, selfish||supportive, comforting|
|Intellect||instinctive, unstable||cerebral, analytical|
|Emotional Stability||irritable, moody||level headed, calm|
|Aggressiveness||modest, docile||controlling, tough|
|Liveliness||somber, restrained||wild, fun loving|
|Dutifulness||untraditional, rebellious||conforming, traditional|
|Social Assertiveness||shy, withdrawn||uninhibited, bold|
|Sensitivity||coarse, tough||touchy, soft|
|Paranoia||trusting, easy going||wary, suspicious|
|Abstractness||practical, regular||strange, imaginative|
|Introversion||open, friendly||private, quiet|
|Anxiety||confident, self assured||fearful, self-doubting|
|Openmindedness||closeminded, set-in-ways||curious, exploratory|
|Independence||outgoing, social||loner, craves solitude|
|Perfectionism||disorganized, messy||orderly, thorough|
|Tension||relaxed, cool||stressed, unsatisfied|
Sisters Of Mercy
Thy Art Is Murder
Lamb Of God
Pierce The Veil.
Being As An Ocean
My Chemical Romance
The Front Bottoms
The World is a Beautiful Place & I am No Longer Afraid to Die
In Hearts Wake.
Half Past The Revolution
The Story So Far
Sunny Day Real Estate
New Years Day
The Amity Affliction
Balance And Composure
Pianos Become the Teeth
Johnny Hobo and the Freight Trains
Trapped Under Ice
The Color Morale
The Wonder Years
The Casket Lottery
Alien Sex Fiend
Siouxie And The Banshees
Perspective A Lovely Hand To Hold
I Hate Sex
The Promise RIng
Portraits Of Past
Camping In Alaska
Anime Titty Flesh Wound
The Promise Ring
Texas Is The Reason
Jets To Brazil
I Hate Myself
Flowers Taped To Pens
La Petite Mort/Little Death
I can't add any kroe bans due to thenglitchy formatting but I'll add my playlist link!!! :D
Favourite Films / TV / Books
Trailer Park Boys
It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia
The Walking Dead
A Serbian Film
A Million Ways To Die In The West
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (The 1974 original.)
Come And See
Requiem For A Dream
The Holy Mountain
An Andalusian Dog
anything in The Cremaster Cycle
Slumber Party Massacre
Bigfoot's Wild Weekend
Just any raunchy slasher flick or terrible horror movie really....
Two Bits and Pepper
Doggie Boogie - Get Your Grr On!
I just love terrible 90s, 2000s, and early 2010s kids movies ironically
Midsommar (I FUCKING LOVE THIS MOVIE)
I have watched 57 Anime and I've loved almost all of them.... (Key Word: ALMOST. I've seen some fucked up shit)
Education / Occupation
Typical burnout 20 somethings behavior. I go to work to make money to go to house shows and get drunk and buy dumb shit on the internet and then I go back to work again!
Who I'd Like To Meet
I dunno, maybe a couple new friends?
Sep 25 2023, 11:52 PM
I know I dont post much here but the secluded nature of this site makes it feel like a safe place to vent
ED recovery has been Hell and I'm severely struggling to come to terms with how much my body has changed/fluctuated. I often feel fully deformed, and I am overwhelmed with guilt that people have to look at me when I go outside. The only thing that keeps me from entirely relapsing is remembering how it felt to have an NG tube rub my throat raw while writhing in agony in a hospital bed and losing an entire month of my life due to being stuck there.
I'm considering potentially doing a specialized partial program, I'm just scared because I feel so embarrassed over how much I've gained from recovery, it feels like I need to relapse and get back to rock bottom before I can earn help.
May 10 2023, 02:27 AM
March 31st thro8gh April 28th I was hospitalized as a result of an eating disorder. I thought I was fine. I went in because I was sick of my partner and friends and coworkers getting on my ass about it. I thought I'd check into the ER, get a slap on the wrist, and be sent home.
Severe hypoglycemia and starvation ketoacidosis.
My finances are ruined, my job is ruined, my partner is overly concerned with my wellbeing all the time. I moss when I was blissfully unaware of the fact that I'm killing myself. Everything is so fucked up now.
I guess this is just where I'll talk about it now. I've said it before and I'll say it again, this website has chronicled my early adolescence through my transition into adulthood. This place is low stakes. No one gives a shit what happens or what I say here. I can scream into a void if I want.
Jan 31 2023, 04:49 AM
It's been nearly 5 years since I've posted a journal here.
Often when I come here to add to my photos and fiddle with my profile I wonder if it'll be the last time I open this site. When I joined I was so alone. A newly adopted CSA victim who had to drop out of middle school from hate crimes. It's all sorts of bleak in retrospect. The account I had that was plastered with neon purple and blue and pikachu gifs because I was too young to have taste. The hours spent talking to adults because I was so alone. My last journal entries on this account were in the direct aftermath of domestic abuse and rape as I had falled into an abusive relationship from the ages of 15 to 19.
I'm safer now. I have a job and friends and a partner who treats me with more profound kindness and respect than I know what to do with. But I can't shake the Paranoia, the instability, the urge to physically self-destruct is still so reoccurring. As delusional as it sounds I really thought I'd be normal by now. But the mental illness is real, and childhood diagnosed Autism Spectrum Disorder did not pass as a quirky phase, the self-harm never left, and ED relapses still happen.
One thing I will say though is I'm past my expiration date. When I was roughly 11 or 12 years old (I think? Mightve been younger) I set a date to DEFINITELY kill myself by. It was in late January of 2023.
It'll be February in roughly 25 hours and to be frank I feel like a dead man walking, but unlike the undead I have tragically survived only to deal with tax season. All dry jokes aside, there's really no reason for me to Sag all this. Maybe there's just appeal in writing something of an open letter to a dead site? No one I used to speak to will read this, almost everyone is long gone.
Sometimes I wonder if the people I've encountered online over the years think of me as much as I think of them. I have my own job, life, friends, and partner but I still catch myself wondering about the edglord Australian Oli who got me into being a gore site edgelord as a child, or the various predators I encountered, or there kids I'd roleplay with when I was young, or the people I'd spend nights e-dating/flirting with so we didn't have to think about who lonely and awkward we both were from our respective neurodivergence, or the guy who used to hack to site for fun who would DDOS pesky trolls at the request of mods, and God, the old mods. I still remember a lot of their names. Many were in college when I joined as a child. I wonder where they are now? Married? With kids? Kids old enough to have unrestricted internet access the way I did? I wonder. I wonder about the kids I bullied out of pathetic insecurity and being obsessed with commentary youtubers and filthy frank. The boy who started e-dating and became obsessed with the site for several years. The man who I spoke to everyone before during and after school at the age of 12 who showed me grindcore and goregrind. His name was Andrew and despite talking to me like an adult sometimes he was never once predatory towards me. Just a tragic misunderstood NEET and one day he just vanished and every time he crossed my mind I hope to God he didn't kill himself. I still remember his old username.
It doesn't dominate my mind, but it just come to me in passing from time to time
There was no purpose to any of this at all.