Sep 25 2023, 11:52 PM

I know I dont post much here but the secluded nature of this site makes it feel like a safe place to vent

ED recovery has been Hell and I'm severely struggling to come to terms with how much my body has changed/fluctuated. I often feel fully deformed, and I am overwhelmed with guilt that people have to look at me when I go outside. The only thing that keeps me from entirely relapsing is remembering how it felt to have an NG tube rub my throat raw while writhing in agony in a hospital bed and losing an entire month of my life due to being stuck there.

I'm considering potentially doing a specialized partial program, I'm just scared because I feel so embarrassed over how much I've gained from recovery, it feels like I need to relapse and get back to rock bottom before I can earn help.

May 10 2023, 02:27 AM

March 31st thro8gh April 28th I was hospitalized as a result of an eating disorder. I thought I was fine. I went in because I was sick of my partner and friends and coworkers getting on my ass about it. I thought I'd check into the ER, get a slap on the wrist, and be sent home.

But no.

Severe hypoglycemia and starvation ketoacidosis.

My finances are ruined, my job is ruined, my partner is overly concerned with my wellbeing all the time. I moss when I was blissfully unaware of the fact that I'm killing myself. Everything is so fucked up now.

I guess this is just where I'll talk about it now. I've said it before and I'll say it again, this website has chronicled my early adolescence through my transition into adulthood. This place is low stakes. No one gives a shit what happens or what I say here. I can scream into a void if I want.

Jan 31 2023, 04:49 AM

It's been  nearly 5 years since I've posted a journal here. 

Often when I come here to add to my photos and fiddle with my profile I wonder if it'll be the last time I open this site. When I joined I was so alone. A newly adopted CSA victim who had to drop out of middle school from hate crimes. It's all sorts of bleak in retrospect. The account I had that was plastered with neon purple and blue and pikachu gifs because I was too young to have taste. The hours spent talking to adults because I was so alone. My last journal entries on this account  were in the direct aftermath of domestic abuse and rape as I had falled into an abusive relationship from the ages of 15 to 19. 

I'm safer now. I have a job and friends and a partner who treats me with more profound kindness and respect than I know what to do with. But I can't shake the Paranoia, the instability, the urge to physically self-destruct is still so reoccurring. As delusional as it sounds I really thought I'd be normal by now. But the mental illness is real, and childhood diagnosed Autism Spectrum Disorder did not pass as a quirky phase, the self-harm never left, and ED relapses still happen. 

One thing I will say though is I'm past my expiration date. When I was roughly 11 or 12 years old (I think? Mightve been younger) I set a date to DEFINITELY kill myself by. It was in late January of 2023.

It'll be February in roughly 25 hours and to be frank I feel like a dead man walking, but unlike the undead I have tragically survived only to deal with tax season. All dry jokes aside, there's really no reason for me to Sag all this. Maybe there's just appeal in writing something of an open letter to a dead site? No one I used to speak to will read this, almost everyone is long gone. 

Sometimes I wonder if the people I've encountered online over the years think of me as much as I think of them. I have my own job, life, friends, and partner but I still catch myself wondering about the edglord Australian Oli who got me into being a gore site edgelord as a child, or the various predators I encountered, or there kids I'd roleplay with when I was young, or the people I'd spend nights e-dating/flirting with so we didn't have to think about who lonely and awkward we both were from our respective neurodivergence, or the guy who used to hack to site for fun who would DDOS pesky trolls at the request of mods, and God, the old mods. I still remember a lot of their names. Many were in college when I joined as a child. I wonder where they are now? Married? With kids? Kids old enough to have unrestricted internet access the way I did? I wonder. I wonder about the kids I bullied out of pathetic insecurity and being obsessed with commentary youtubers and filthy frank. The boy who started e-dating and became obsessed with the site for several years. The man who I spoke to everyone before during and after school at the age of 12 who showed me grindcore and goregrind. His name was Andrew and despite talking to me like an adult sometimes he was never once predatory towards me. Just a tragic misunderstood NEET and one day he just vanished and every time he crossed my mind I hope to God he didn't kill himself. I still remember his old username.

It doesn't dominate my mind, but it just come to me in passing from time to time

There was no purpose to any of this at all.

Jun 09 2018, 08:09 PM

fish come from the dirt

May 26 2018, 07:52 PM

ha t red i s a 6 3 l ett er w or d

May 18 2018, 12:31 PM

Good God, it's been nearly a year since I made one of these, and even longer since I've posted journal entries regularly. Anyway, I guess I'll get on to venting. Ya'll ever just isolate yourself to flex on your mental illness but your mental illness is actually flexing on you and you have to question free will for a sec? (Making your mental illness into a shitpost is top tier shield, will doe for years/10) Does anyone else with moderate to severe ptsd or any mental illness in general ever encounter a something that triggers really deep distress from memories you desperately want to forget that's so bad you just sort of shut everything out and split off into a state of disassociation and paranoia while your perception of time gets completely fucked? (Oof, that run-on sentence, though) God what a stupid question, of course other people go through that. I'm such a fucking idiot. I try my best to stay as grounded and attached to reality as possible as to avoid things escalating, I try to read up on self-help and generally just manage everything I can to sort of be my own therapist. (I'm doing kind of a shitty job but I'm not dead yet so) I don't know what I'm asking here or who I'm asking anything of, I guess I just want to know what others would do maintain composure. I'm off all of my medication and I'm avoiding trauma therapy like the plague as I'm still not in a safe environment and my parent is not stable. When I tried trauma therapy before the therapist said that part of the end goal would be to vent my trauma to my adoptive mother. (A woman in denial about her own instability who has had some violent abusive outbursts in the past) Bottom line is; I love her dearly, but I don't trust her. Not to mention I have the constant fear looming over me that if I ever said too much to a therapist I would end up in court and I'd have to see the faces of people that I have worked for so long to block out. My secondary fear is that I will be hospitalised again due to self-harm and I've had several experiences that were not exactly what one might call therapeutic. Maybe it's just the hospitals my insurance will pay for or something but I've meant some horrible people working in psychiatric facilities, or maybe they weren't horrible maybe they were just stressed and taking it out of the patience a bit? I don't know. What was the point of this again? I'm just talking to myself. I guess it isn't that much different from my daydreaming where I pace in my room for hours listening to music and accidentally whispering to myself. I should be doing schoolwork, I shouldn't be upset. God, I just love executive dysfunction. Maybe I should rant about something more, I don't even know. Something's wrong but things aren't allowed to be wrong. I'm just so tired. Crent, what' cirrent? Electric currents, Currency. Current flows, Current topics. c-u-r-r-e-n-t current. See? I can type, I swear. lol Anyway With taxes we are barely making it, we're cutting things so damn close this ywear, had to sert up a payment plan of course because the damn fool we lost the house to forgot disclaimers We have the p roperty Not the house, not the walls What else is new? I'm shutting him out, the only person who knows me and loves me is being shut out. I know he's worried sick, his father shows concern, brother doesn't give a fuck, and his mother is stressed and fears the worst; that I don't love him anymore... I still love him. What else is new? He said it was an accident, I believe him, but how do you tell someone that an accident fucked you up? How do you tell someone that an accident really is as bad as they thought when you don't want them to hate themselves? How do you tell someone that a sentence set you back a few years in your recovery process? How do you tell someone that one accident made you start having nightmares about them beating you? How do you say that to someone who loves you? How do you tell someone that they hurt you without making them suffer from knowing they hurt you? how?How?how/howdoImakeeverythingokayagain I've been feeling like I've been being watched for the past few months, feeling like I saw something I wasn't meant to see. I don't know what I saw. I didn't see anything. What did I see? I didn't see anything. I see what I saw I didn;t see anything I didn;t see anything. I didn't didn't did. ? I'm just typing my brain not whats in my mind but typing the brain itself but structured sentences can be hard structured sentences can be hard I want structure. I want structure. Control, control, I want control I don't want to remember I don't want to remember typing Can't type it enough I don;t want to remember Please don't remember word keep shorting out from my head my hands chop along keys and characters clacking click clocking glocks the sounds shock my skull clickity clack tap tap tap numbers letter symbols sounds code code Code? Code is language and language does not make sense the meaning of meaning has meaning and the words in definitions have meanings everything used to describe something and vice versa and it doesn;t make sense and things that don't makes sense aren;t right if it's not right it doesn;t make sense and things that don't make sense aren't right Do you wonder who came before God? Do you ever break for a moment trying to grasp infinity without concrete equations? Do you ever\just\break? click click click went my jaw as a child swell swell swell went my eye from the door the door he let go with the wind and the storm the tornado didn't touch down that day the tornado didn't touch down that day it didnt touch down down t that day my brain t ype s in aut o pilot sometimes it's good to type with minininmal thoughhhhhht no substance just clarity but no clarity not free notfreeeeeee Do you ever just want to scream until your lungs burst and pop?

May 28 2017, 05:36 AM

As I've begun typing this it's Sunday, May 28th 2017, 1:11 AM Eastern time, (This site is dead though so I guess that makes this the best place to vent shit since essentially no one will see it.) Last year I died.