I should've kissed you there. I should've held your face
I should've watched those eyes
Instead of run in place
I should've called you out mess i made, by parachute
Carson
20 / Female / American Football House, United States
Bisexual / In a Relationship
Member since:
Aug 22, 2015
Last online:
May 11, 2022
Current rating: 8.8/10 (9 votes cast)
You have rated Avalanche
About Me
Howdy~
You still there?
Okay, cool I guess.
On August Twenty Seventh in the year of Twenty Fourteen I joined this site on my first account.
I originally joined when I was twelve and incredibly suicidal, I made a typo and discovered this shitty site but me being in my emo phase I joined for site modelling since that was the 'Oh so totally cool' scene kid thing to do at the time.
Long story short: I never had the guts to do the site modelling thing due to fear and anxiety, but maybe I'll do that soon
Update: I became a site model after four years!!!!!!
My name is Arson. Many people on here call me Ava tho due to my username.
I may accidentally repeat a few of these since I slowly update this list as I get older and forget what is on here as my music taste evolves! This list has been in the works for a couple years now.
Anal Cunt
Cannibal Corpse
Cattle Decapitation
Vulvectomy
Torsofuck
Gorelord
Dying Fetus
Nunslaughter
Austere
Einsamtod
Kanashimi
Thy Light
Shining
Sisters Of Mercy
Slayer
Destruction Unit
The Exploited
The Distillers
Corrupted Leaders
Nausea
Discharge
Wolfbrigade
Death Grips
Tool
Korn
Thy Art Is Murder
Lamb Of God
END
Mejibray
Pierce The Veil.
Being As An Ocean
La Dispute
My Chemical Romance
In Flames
The Smiths
Depeche Mode
Joy Division
The Front Bottoms
Modern Baseball
The World is a Beautiful Place & I am No Longer Afraid to Die
Sorority Noise
Foxing
Counterparts
Movements
Touché Amoré
In Hearts Wake.
Northlane.
Carried Still
Set Sights
Half Past The Revolution
Frustrated
Moose Blood
Elvis Depressedly
Creeper
Boston Manor
Knuckle Puck
The Story So Far
Trophy Eyes
Major League
Sunny Day Real Estate
American Football
Joyce Manor
Neck Deep
Real Friends
Pvris
New Years Day
Crossfaith
The Amity Affliction
Beartooth
Silverstein
Tame Impala
Clams Casino
Ultimate Spinach
Crim3s
Yung Lean
Lund
GFOTY
Balance And Composure
Title Fight
Architects
Hundredth
Brand New
Hotel Books
Casey
Knocked Loose
Silent Planet
Pianos Become the Teeth
Letlive
Capsize
Johnny Hobo and the Freight Trains
Coma Cinema
State Champs
Defeater
Basement
Expire
Trapped Under Ice
Parkway Drive
The Cure
Pity Sex
Turnover
Sworn In
The Color Morale
The Wonder Years
Looming
Citizen
Turnstile
Donovan
David Bowie
Rescuer
Have Mercy
Pg. 99
Orchid
Drug Church
The Casket Lottery
Departures
$uicideboy$
Xxxtentacion
100 Gecs
Alien Sex Fiend
Siouxie And The Banshees
Billy Idol
Marietta
Sports
Perspective A Lovely Hand To Hold
Origami Angel
Hightide Hotel
I Hate Sex
Stop It!!
Foxtails
SL.AP
The Promise RIng
Short Fictions
Portraits Of Past
Neil Perry
Youth Funeral
William Bonney
Camping In Alaska
The Kidcrash/Kidcrash
Tough Stuff Gillian Carter Anime Titty Flesh Wound Kid, Feral H3artcrush The Promise Ring Cap'n Jazz Mock Orange Texas Is The Reason Adventures Hospital Bracelet Free Throw Jets To Brazil Gatherers Dangers I Hate Myself Moss Icon Flowers Taped To Pens Elle
La Petite Mort/Little Death
Favourite Films / TV / Books
Seinfeld
Trailer Park Boys
It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia
The Walking Dead
American Beauty
Gummo
Pulp Fiction
A Serbian Film
The Craft
Salo
The Room
A Million Ways To Die In The West
Cannibal Holocaust
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (The 1974 original.)
August Underground
Come And See
Threads
Requiem For A Dream
The Holy Mountain
An Andalusian Dog
anything in The Cremaster Cycle
Begotten
Slumber Party Massacre
Bigfoot's Wild Weekend
Human Ouja
Just any raunchy slasher flick or terrible horror movie really....
Two Bits and Pepper
Cop Dog
Country Bears
Doggie Boogie - Get Your Grr On!
I just love terrible 90s, 2000s, and early 2010s kids movies ironically
Midsommar (I FUCKING LOVE THIS MOVIE)
I have watched 57 Anime and I've loved almost all of them.... (Key Word: ALMOST. I've seen some fucked up shit)
(Many of the movies on this list I do not particularly care for anymore, I just went through an edgy phase as a kid where I watched disturbing and banned films a lot and I'm leaving them on the list for nostalgia)
Education / Occupation
Trying to get my diploma but I'd rather get fucked up and sleep. Kinda a recovering NEET tbh?
Good God, it's been nearly a year since I made one of these, and even longer since I've posted journal entries regularly.
Anyway, I guess I'll get on to venting.
Ya'll ever just isolate yourself to flex on your mental illness but your mental illness is actually flexing on you and you have to question free will for a sec? (Making your mental illness into a shitpost is top tier shield, will doe for years/10)
Does anyone else with moderate to severe ptsd or any mental illness in general ever encounter a something that triggers really deep distress from memories you desperately want to forget that's so bad you just sort of shut everything out and split off into a state of disassociation and paranoia while your perception of time gets completely fucked? (Oof, that run-on sentence, though)
God what a stupid question, of course other people go through that. I'm such a fucking idiot.
I try my best to stay as grounded and attached to reality as possible as to avoid things escalating, I try to read up on self-help and generally just manage everything I can to sort of be my own therapist. (I'm doing kind of a shitty job but I'm not dead yet so)
I don't know what I'm asking here or who I'm asking anything of, I guess I just want to know what others would do maintain composure.
I'm off all of my medication and I'm avoiding trauma therapy like the plague as I'm still not in a safe environment and my parent is not stable. When I tried trauma therapy before the therapist said that part of the end goal would be to vent my trauma to my adoptive mother. (A woman in denial about her own instability who has had some violent abusive outbursts in the past) Bottom line is; I love her dearly, but I don't trust her. Not to mention I have the constant fear looming over me that if I ever said too much to a therapist I would end up in court and I'd have to see the faces of people that I have worked for so long to block out. My secondary fear is that I will be hospitalised again due to self-harm and I've had several experiences that were not exactly what one might call therapeutic. Maybe it's just the hospitals my insurance will pay for or something but I've meant some horrible people working in psychiatric facilities, or maybe they weren't horrible maybe they were just stressed and taking it out of the patience a bit? I don't know.
What was the point of this again? I'm just talking to myself. I guess it isn't that much different from my daydreaming where I pace in my room for hours listening to music and accidentally whispering to myself.
I should be doing schoolwork, I shouldn't be upset. God, I just love executive dysfunction. Maybe I should rant about something more, I don't even know. Something's wrong but things aren't allowed to be wrong. I'm just so tired.
Crent, what' cirrent? Electric currents, Currency. Current flows, Current topics. c-u-r-r-e-n-t current. See? I can type, I swear. lol
Anyway
With taxes we are barely making it, we're cutting things so damn close this ywear, had to sert up a payment plan of course because the damn fool we lost the house to forgot disclaimers
We have the p roperty
Not the house, not the walls
What else is new?
I'm shutting him out, the only person who knows me and loves me is being shut out.
I know he's worried sick, his father shows concern, brother doesn't give a fuck, and his mother is stressed and fears the worst; that I don't love him anymore...
I still love him.
What else is new?
He said it was an accident, I believe him, but how do you tell someone that an accident fucked you up? How do you tell someone that an accident really is as bad as they thought when you don't want them to hate themselves? How do you tell someone that a sentence set you back a few years in your recovery process? How do you tell someone that one accident made you start having nightmares about them beating you? How do you say that to someone who loves you? How do you tell someone that they hurt you without making them suffer from knowing they hurt you? how?How?how/howdoImakeeverythingokayagain
I've been feeling like I've been being watched for the past few months, feeling like I saw something I wasn't meant to see. I don't know what I saw. I didn't see anything. What did I see? I didn't see anything. I see what I saw I didn;t see anything I didn;t see anything. I didn't didn't did.
?
I'm just typing my brain not whats in my mind but typing the brain itself but structured sentences can be hard
structured sentences can be hard
I want structure. I want structure. Control, control, I want control
I don't want to remember
I don't want to remember
typing
Can't type it enough
I don;t want to remember
Please don't remember
word keep shorting out from my head
my hands chop along
keys and characters
clacking click
clocking glocks
the sounds shock
my skull
clickity clack
tap tap tap
numbers letter symbols sounds
code
code
Code?
Code is language and language does not make sense the meaning of meaning has meaning and the words in definitions have meanings everything used to describe something and vice versa and it doesn;t make sense and things that don't makes sense aren;t right if it's not right it doesn;t make sense and things that don't make sense aren't right
Do you wonder who came before God?
Do you ever break for a moment trying to grasp infinity without concrete equations?
Do you ever\just\break?
click click click went my jaw as a child
swell swell swell went my eye from the door
the door he let go with the wind and the storm
the tornado didn't touch down that day
the tornado didn't touch down that day
it didnt
touch down
down t
that day
my brain
t ype s
in aut o pilot
sometimes it's good to type with minininmal thoughhhhhht
no substance
just clarity
but no clarity
not free
notfreeeeeee
Do you ever just want to scream until your lungs burst and pop?
As I've begun typing this it's Sunday, May 28th 2017, 1:11 AM Eastern time,
(This site is dead though so I guess that makes this the best place to vent shit since essentially no one will see it.)
Last year I died.