likes: Snowboarding, Rockstar games, Playstation games, Laplanders, Pikachu, buttons, Spyro the dragon, nice people, Energy drinks, sleeping, dreaming, anime, stuffed animals, Art, thrift stores, pea coats, asian food, fiction writing, illustration, vampires, blogging, vlogs, Youtube, poetry.
Hates: Stupidity, chavs, gaining weight, teeny fans, perverts, waking up early, being forced to learn something I'm not interested in, hateclubs for a certain band/group, racism
Elliot Smith, Avenged Sevenfold, Killswitch Engage, Bob Marley. Hawthorne Heights, Three Days Grace, Vampire Weekend, Greeley Estates, Daughtry, Nirvana, Bullet For My Valentine, Asking Alexandria, ACDC, Iron Maiden, Taking Back Sunday, Falling In Reverse, Lamb Of God, The All-American Rejects, Muse, Decemberists, Bright Eyes, Ryan Adams, Duke Ellington, Bless The Fall, Tyler The Creator, Sunny Day Real Estate, Fugazi, Vampires Everywhere, Oceans Ate Alaska, I See Stars, Bon Iver, The Pixies, Slipknot, 30 Seconds To Mars, Chelsea Grin, Buffalo Season, I The Deceiver, Silverstein, Rammstein, Greenday, My Chemical Romance, Dashboard Confessional, Yellowcard, Thursday, New Found Glory, Alesana, Blue October, Alkaline Trio, KISS, Hoobastank, Gallows, All Time Low, Kayden, Fall Out Boy, Radiohead, Impending Doom, Stick To Your Guns, Arctic Monkeys, Bridges, Maroon 5, Landon Pigg, Arcade Fire, Conor Oberst, Motionless In White, Ozzy Osbourne, The Jealous Sound, Neil Perry, The Cure, Evergreen Terrace, Senses Fail, Crush 40, Through The Eyes Of The Dead, The Get Up Kids, Stewart Copeland, Breathe Carolina, Emery, My Children My Bride, Slayer, The Ataris, Therefore Tomorrow, Story Of The Year, Mike V And The Rats, Motley Crue, Twelve Hour Turn, All Time Low, Hoobastank, Death Cab For Cutie, Evanescence, Mayday Parade, Bon Iver, New Politics, Hadouken!, Saosin, Alexisonfire, 36 Crazy Fists, AFI, Aiden, Farooq, Finch, Circle Takes The Square, Ozzy Osbourne, Story Of The Year, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Every Avenue, Bring Me The Horizon, Avion Roe.
It's almost five, and I don't think I can fall back asleep. There's too much things going on in my mind: Jobs, a future, friends, family. I wish I had cancer. Then I would know my death is coming, and I have no reason to try for my future. Days have been rough, more tough than usual and I just wish I could talk to someone, I need help, I need someone, anyone. So I can stop being so self destructive.
I wake up in pain, tears in my eyes. Feeling unwanted, despondent and low. I just want to be happy. Since I haven't cut, I had no other way to deal with my sadness. And sometimes I think if I should just end it and feel dead. I feel dead... I'm not even alive. I go out and only see things I wish I had, a boyfriend, my own home, a job or good friends. Everyone's doing good and I'm stuck here, trying and going nowhere. I just need a little help or guidance to get me where I need to be.
There's a big piece of me that's missing. Waking up, nauseated, the attitude of hopelessness and apathy. I'm not sure why I stick around in this world. The last time I felt alive is waking up one morning with my favorite person holding me in his arms. All Summer night of cuddling and snuggling each other was enough to make me feel like a superhero. Like I had a purpose and after that day all I could wonder is being in his arms again. His masculine, sweet smell that's genuine and enough to make me feel a bliss. Then that's when I had to stop my heart from singing, for I knew that would be trouble. I couldn't let my heart break again, the constant agony inside my chest, and the churning in my stomach, the self hatred of being so naive and thick. All I've done was hate myself than hate the last guy who tricked me to getting my heart. I couldn't let this happen to me again. So I took two steps back, not trying, though almost every day I would text him hey but I would usually get no response. Was I even worth it? Should I just full on tell him how I feel and if he feels the same? Should I just fuck off and forget about him?
I have been really upset about my weight. It's annoying because sometimes I can't sleep because I don't feel right. I feel ugly, I feel fat and disgusting. I'm tired of being chubby. :c I hate it. I rather starve than get fatter and fatter. I barely eat anything, and I get fat. It's not fucking fair. FUCK.
Sometimes I think I have turrets. Most of the things I say things that just come to mind and I end up saying things like,
"Fuck my dick," "eat my ******" or fucking shit...
Sometimes I can't control every thought. It's when I think of something embarrassing, then I get these outbursts, crazy outbursts.
I just have all of these things bottled up inside of me, that i can't get them out. I literally want to cry for the mistakes I've made. The memories of people staring at me for staring at me and leaving me to rot in my own embarrassment. No one fucking likes me.
Do people hate me on here or what? I never get responses from people in forums, I don't even like to be open and start topics, but I'm trying to not be so scared and anti social and just commune with others. Share my stories, ideas and interests with people, or maybe there's not that many nice people these days.
But people are giving me a reason to not be here anymore. Most people here just don't like me because of my skin color, and because I have my way of thinking.
I got on this site to make friends and talk to people, not to just ignore and treat me like I'm fucking nothing. I'm already treated like shit from my family and friends in the real world, I don't need the same treatment in the internet. What the fuck is wrong with you people? Some of you are serious hypocrites.
This morning I worked out until I fatigued. Therefore all day, I have been slothing around and not having much energy. I've tried to have energy, but my body just wasn't letting me. It's over 100 degrees outside, I have nowhere to necessarily go, and I've been making gifs like a mofo.
Later today, I had a lot of tea, because my mom blamed me for drinking all the coffee and when I couldn't find some coffee it pissed me off. She's really pushing my button...
Lonely Summer, no one wants to hang out with me. I will forever be a loser, and people think I'm odd. Whatever. I don't mind being an outcast. I've always been, and if I'm forever alone then so be it.
This is a disaster, and I pray to get I get this job after this interview tomorrow. I'm tired of job searching, my family putting me down and treating me like a fucking mule. I am so sick and tired of their shit I just want to burn the house down with them in it. I'm very angry, I'm SO angry. I'm VERY VERY infuriated to the point I just don't want to have anything to do with them anymore. Just because I am still here after high school and going to college and trying to find jobs to work doesn't mean I sit on my ass and do nothing. Sometimes I don't have a choice but to sit on my ass. I have no gas in my car, no money to get gas, no good friends to hang out with, because half of them won't bother to waste their gas to pick me up. Everything's shit. THIS WORLD IS SHIT. FUCK MY LIFE.
So far I had a busy year, and I'm looking forward to finding something to encourage me to push forward, no matter what it is. And also, I realized people hate me, and so far there are only three people for sure I know that don't. I've had a wrecked week. My plans changed when I had to owe the school 400 dollars. I cannot afford it, and I'm going to die because I feel so overwhelmed. I need just a day to think and relax. Just a day, because right now I feel like life's moving too fast.
I just got a message that ruined the start of my day. He broke up with me, and now my heart is slowly bracing itself from the impact. Really, I don't hate him for it, and he lives far away from me. I was going to make that sacrifice to go and see him, and I really love him. I really do.... THIS SUCKS. I'll try to carry on and not cry for the rest of the day, because he was the perfect one for me. He's someone so special that I know I will never ever have again. I will never have someone as gorgeous and perfect as he is. I knew it wasn't going to last forever, but I didn't know he would just break up with me. I'm so hurting... and it's my fault I can't control my own feelings. 3
