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One final fight for this tonight. Whoa-oh-oh With knives and pens we made our plight. Whoa-oh-oh Well I can't go on without your love, you lost, you never held on. We tried our best. Turn out the light. Turn out the light! Knives and Pens, by Black Veil Brides

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soEmo.co.uk - Emo Kids - James_Dean_SWS

James_Dean_SWS

Kill Me
28 / Female / Vermont, United States
Gay/Lesbian / Forever Alone
Member since: Apr 25, 2018
Last online: Aug 11, 2021

Current rating: 10.0/10 (1 votes cast)

About Me

This is kinda hard.  Thing is, when I was a kid, I chose to live by my heart, completely, and be the best person I can be.  Completely honest, open, trusting, dependable, loyal, understanding, compassionate, etc....  I would tell myself, I want to be the best friend a person could have.  That was a long time ago, but I meant it, so it became my very nature.  I didn't realize how much that would alienate me from everyone else.  People assume things, and judge so harshly, I've been nothing but alone for as long as I can remember.......

The way I grew up, I chose to value things I felt truly matter.  The good and meaningful things, like real relationships, friends, love, and kindness....  I wanted something real in my life, someone I could count on, and I wanted to deserve that, be good enough to be happy someday.  I wanted to make someone happy, love someone, and know that I matter, and that after I die, I'll know that my life was for something and that even one person's life is, or was better because I was here.  My worst nightmare is feeling I could die tonight, and no one would care, or even notice.  If I could simply disappear as if I was never here, than why did I ever live in the first place?  How would all the pain be worth enduring, and how would anything I do truly matter?

One more thing, when I say that I need to know that I matter, I mean who I am as a person, my very heart and soul.  I can't imagine being satisfied doing things that anyone else could do, or making a difference simply because I'm a living breathing body.  It doesn't feel right knowing I could just simply be replaced with any other human being who could do the job.......

Oh, that being said, I'm deeply spiritual.  I consider myself a spiritual being who exists in a shell, and my physical body shouldn't define me.  That's why I don't use pictures of myself online, because I want the chance to just be me, who I am inside.  I do send pictures to friends though, to be fair, so it's not like I won't show myself.  I just need to know it's not about how I look.  I want a real connection, something meaningful, even if it's just as a friend.

Final things I feel I should mention.  I'll admit I'm weird, and awkward.  I'm naturally shy, and I don't like opening up, it actually makes me a nervous wreck, but I do it to give people, and myself a chance.  Since I chose to live by my heart, and intuition, I see the good in people, so I can sometimes get attached very fast, like loving someone in minutes of talking with them.  It's just how I am, but it doesn't mean I expect anyone else to be like that.  I might consider someone amazing, and a great friend, and my mind is made up, I'll just wait for her to figure out how she feels about me.  I'm honest because I want to be understood, and trustworthy, and I just want to be treated the same way so I can understand others.  I believe I could be a good friend to anyone if just given the chance.......

I really like to listen.  I feel much better being a friend than actually talking about myself, or my life.

I have Kik, facebook, instagram, and a mobile number, but I don't want complete strangers contacting me, so just message me first if you're interested.  By the way, if I don't respond to you, I'm either just not able to, or I feel for some reason I might not be a good friend for you, and I don't want to hurt you.  Stuff like satanic, and evil worship make me extremely uncomfortable.  I consider myself a being of light, and positive energies, and I don't mix with hate, or chaos.



To be fair, above was when I started this profile.  Consider that "me" dead.  My Angels deserted me, the demons are the only friends I have left,... my nightmares make more since than my reality, my reality is my nightmare,... can't say I can tell the difference anymore.......  My mind is just as warped as the long shattered pieces of my heart,... my insanity and madness are incurable......  Over a decade spent putting others first, starving, breaking, suffering, and left with nothing,... nothing,... day to day, alone, empty, cold.......  My kindness got me locked up in my own personal hell, my worst nightmare just repeating every time I wake.......  Don't bother to think you can save me, but feel free to give me the company while I burn and drown on repeat.......

P.S. beware of the journals, they'll steal your soul.......💀

Favourite Music

10 Years
30 Seconds To Mars
Alesana
Asking Alexandria
Avenged Sevenfold
BlessTheFall
Bring Me The Horizon
Bullet For My Valentine
Bury Tomorrow
Chevelle
Dark New Day
Disturbed

Escape The Fate
(Have to mention my favorite
Picture Perfect)

Evanescence
Fort Minor
The Glitch Mob
Killswitch Engage
Korn
Linkin Park
Matchbook Romance
Metallica
Mudvayne
Muse
My Chemical Romance
The Neighborhood
Nero
P!nk
Papa Roach
Paramore

Pierce The Veil
(GOD YES THIS ONE!)
(My heart bleeds with their music)

Red
Rise Against
Scary Kids Scaring Kids
Serj Tankian
Skrillex

Sleeping With Sirens
(Here's another one, love their songs)
Favorite = If I'm James Dean, You're Audrey Hepburn
Been looking for my Audrey since 2010

Slipknot
Staind
Stone Sour
System Of A Down
Tool
Vexento
Yellowcard
ZEDD



I love a whole lot of music, and while the emo music really gets my heart, lately I've been deep in Chillstep.  It's this sub genre of electronic music, but chill instead of erratic.  Some songs are just beautiful, deep, and bring me to tears, even without words.  Like listening to the rhythm of someone's soul.  I highly recommend "Ten Second Barrier" by Wondai.  The lyrics are really deep, like a poem that most people might get, but some will cry to.



Emptiness has darkened my eyes
as I hopelessly beg for my life to end
tell me why

I might edit this a bit more, but I feel this is good enough for now.

Favourite Films / TV / Books

Any Marvel Hero movies

Dracula Untold

Anything Star Wars
(Movie or Anime/Cartoon)

SOUL EATER
(Anime)

other stuffs
House Of Night
novels

Education / Occupation

High school grad.

Who I'd Like To Meet

Really, I want to meet friends, someone I can connect with, who's understanding, cares, and actually appreciates being cared for.  I want someone who accepts me for who I am, and who I can be good to, and count on.



Who I'd like to meet...?
...jeez, all I ever wanted was someone to just accept me, and appreciate me, but that's just a sad hopeless dream,... so how about a bullet, or blind speeding train to put me out of my misery...?

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Emo Pictures - xXeMoRaCeRXx
xXeMoRaCeRXx
Jun 07 2018, 03:26 PM
Happy Birthday! Hope you have a great day :]
Emo Pictures - xXeMoRaCeRXx
xXeMoRaCeRXx
Apr 25 2018, 04:49 AM
Heya James_Dean_SWS welcome to soEmo.co.uk Please fill out your profile and add some pics when you get the chance. Even create a journal if you like... Find other members using the Browse feature. View 1000s of emo scene girls and guys pics in the Emo Pictures and Site Models sections. Check out the popular Emo Forums and Emo Chat. Learn all about emo scene music, fashion and lifestyle in the What is Emo section. The site is still in development so if you have any suggestions or problems please email info@soemo.co.uk or check out the help section. -Matt
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Pictures

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- Just a piece I found that I really like.

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Journal

Apr 22 2020, 01:48 PM
Past several days with just vodka, and a knife.... Days,...? I'm not sure how long it's been,... it all feels the same, when I've had the shots, when I haven't,... I never feel right, or ok,... like that part of me that's broken....... I fantasize now about the blade cutting deeper.... To just slice an artery in my neck, to just twist the knife, and make sure it doesn't stop,... until it all stops....... So many times I keep thinking about it, fantasizing about it....... I'm done,... I don't care anymore.... I'm just writing my last page.......
Apr 05 2020, 03:20 PM
This world is so screwed up,... I envy the dead who don't have to be here anymore....... I'd think of something more to say, but why should I even bother,... I already know no one cares,... I've known for years....... I'm just so tired of being here, and waiting for it to just be over.......
Mar 20 2020, 01:40 PM
Just an update,... I don't trust anyone anymore.... You're all liers,... you say you care, but only about yourself.... You say you forgive, but you never do.... You say you understand, but you won't even listen....... You say you're different, but you won't even try....... Loving you, is like waiting for a brain dead doctor to save me, waiting for the comatose to wake up.... Believing in you is like counting on a miracle that will never happen....... You are empty, nothing but lies, all your tears are fake, and meaningful, I bet your blood doesn't even have color.... You are nothing but my worst nightmare, the demons that just eat me alive till there's nothing left, and then turn, and walk away as my bones lie on the floor, as if I'm nothing, worth nothing, as if you got all you wanted, and have no further interest in what's left.... You carnivores, monsters, heartless imitations....... I gave all I had,... my hopes, dreams, parts of myself I'll never get back....... I stayed, and fought for everyone else but myself,... I starved, suffered, broke in ways I never imagined I could,... all for people who never gave a damn about me, and discarded me like I was never anything to them....... The last thing to break will be my promises,... that I'd care, that I'd be here....... Death claims us all eventually,... after everything I've been through, and experienced,... you monsters will never change, you'll never be worth it,... all I sacrificed, will just leave me empty inside for the rest of my life, wishing I never cared about you....... If I could give you anything else, let it be a knife,... either you can kill me with it, or yourself...... I'm really not sure I care anymore.......
Mar 14 2020, 12:05 AM
Private entry
Feb 23 2020, 01:54 AM
Crying your eyes out till they run dry.... Screaming your lungs raw till you can barely breath....... Bleeding your heart out till you wonder how it still beats....... Sitting there alone, tired, sick and ill....... There's something special, and unique, about that moment you stop trying, and realize nothing matters, nothing will change, no one cares....... If I died yesterday, who would have even noticed.... If I died years ago.... I asked myself then, would anyone even care....... The answer lingers around me, taunting me, as I watch everyone turn their heads, and simply walk away,... no,... no one cares, no one will notice.... As my ears ring from the sound of my own screams, I sit there in silence.... As I'm filled with the pain of my own bloody heart, I lay here crying....... These moments, when you know, deep down, truly,... no one hears you, you're wasting your breath.... No one sees you, your blood and tears are for nothing.... No one will think of you, or remember you,... there is no one coming to save you, no one is running to take the knife out of your hands, or the gun from your head....... There.... Is... No one....... You,... are,... alone.......
Feb 19 2020, 01:00 AM
I managed to be on here for what,... 2 days,... maybe...? ...and I already want to kill myself....... I used to believe emo people were different, that they had heart, and were real,... somehow apparently that doesn't matter, cause the moment I let my guard down, I'm treated like worthless sh*t....... Seriously, I'm tired of trying, getting tortured because I actually care.... I can't wait to just f*ck*ng die, and not have to deal with any of this anymore....... Don't bother to be surprised when I'm just gone, and don't bother to pretend like you care.......
Feb 17 2020, 09:09 PM
Private entry
Feb 17 2020, 06:54 PM
Private entry
Feb 17 2020, 07:01 AM
Like someone abused, I get used to the pain.... Actually, as I child I remember telling myself that it doesn't matter....... Just like the pain, everything else wrong just feels normal. So what I can't sleep, so what I can't eat, so what I get sick. Does it really matter, is it any different than yesterday, or the day before....... Another restless night, and I don't know what else to do with the hours.... Laying here thinking, questioning life, I seem to only sleep enough for my dreams to remind me of the things I lost.... Some vodka and whiskey, and maybe I sleep, but I learn it makes me more honest.... It's funny, I've always prided myself on honesty, but I try to keep some things buried, and the only thing that helps me sleep, also brings them to the surface.... Going to hell for someone is one thing, I thought about it a lot, the integrity to say I'd take a bullet, and actually follow through.... If I burned in hell for someone I loved, how long before I regretted it, or hated them for it, or would the reason be enough.... I lost my home, ended up on the street, and when I was most vulnerable, my closest friend betrays me, and has me locked up for months.... No one ever told me why, or asked me if I deserved it, and I just swallowed my tongue, and let her have her way.... Without even complaining, I willingly walked into hell, without an explanation, or knowing why.... Some of my best friends turned against me for reasons I'll probably never know, and I just accepted it,... I didn't understand, but I let it happen....... People say a lot of things they don't mean,... I never wanted to be like them....... My worst fears, and nightmares, my own personal hell.... "I'd go through hell for you".... I asked myself if those words had meaning, and now that hell is my life....... My family doesn't understand, and I get tired of talking about it,... I don't hate her, I don't entirely blame her.... Years of this nightmare I've been condemned to, and through the smoke I don't even know why, what it was for,... somehow, I just hope she's happy.... That's not even sarcasm, I really always put her happiness before my own.... I'd bite my tongue, walk away,... I'd put my life on the line to protect her, and just as I've said, if somehow I had to suffer for her to be ok, I'd do it.... As damaged, and broken as I've become, I wish I knew the answers to these questions,... I just wish I knew why,... but still, more than anything, I just keep asking myself,... was it worth it....... Living my worst nightmares every day, living in my hell,... was it worth it,... is this where I belong....... I feel pretty eaten alive, and empty, like something crucial is missing, something vital ripped away, like the engine out of a car.... I've fought against it for years, but I still consumes me.... It's hard saying that word,... "years".... I never imagined I'd have to live,... no,... exist like this, for so long, not living, just stagnant, frozen, dead inside, like I'm just waiting for the final hours, or some kind of miracle....... Days, weeks, months,... a year or 2,... but 7...? The thought of it, like I can't deny that I'm trapped here anymore.... Most people wouldn't understand, I got locked up only for a few months, but the hell, the nightmare, started before then, and hasn't ended, hasn't let go of me.... People won't understand, that being locked away was nothing compared to this,... if I could go back, I'd go through it all again, to be where we were....... Even going back, it feels so far away now,... but perhaps it's all that's left, phantom memories haunting me, and ahead, just more restless nights....... I don't want to hear anymore condescension, or empty advice.... Go to therapy, get medication, smoke some weed.... People won't understand, and I don't care anymore.... I am who I am, my nature is my own,... if to save your child, or the love of your life, you had to lose your arm, or your legs, would you do it...? That's insane. Would you someday hate them for it? That's horrible.... Still, there's people who sacrifice, and they don't hold it over the person, they just live with it....... It can never be fixed, or made right, I'll never have my home, or my hopes, my dreams,... I'll never get back the years I've lost, and I'll never be able to live without these scars, and the damage in my soul....... I hate people acting like they can fix me, or like I haven't even tried,... I tried desperately to find some kind of normalcy....... After the years, I just can't ignore it anymore, I can't pretend things are ok....... To tell the truth, a secret I don't share often,... my heart was always everything to me.... I never cared about being smart, or strong, I never cared about being popular, or successful. All I ever cared about was my heart, all I ever lived by was my heart, it was practically the entirety of my being....... My heart beat for the dream, and hope of love,... not to sound cheesy, but seriously, to know my life makes a difference, to die knowing that because I existed, someone was happier than they would have been without me.... I needed that in my life, validation of my existence, not wealth, fame, or success, I needed to know I made a personal difference to someone's life for who I am.... No doctor, drug, or anything else will ever change that....... Just over 7 years ago, I felt like I'd die, like any kind of living would just be over for me, and then my heart slowly got ripped out of my chest....... 2 years getting torn apart, and 5 years to accept it, like I person accepting they'll never walk again....... Despite all my efforts, I realize no one can replace the dream I lost, no one can give me that kind of hope, and in the absence of that,... the absence is my hell, as if all there is, is just pain, till I finally stop breathing....... If I don't die soon, maybe I'll just start writing a book....... I've got nothing else but this hole in my chest, and all I feel is the repetition,... another night I can't sleep,... another night I can't eat....... Haven't I said this already....... Wasn't it just yesterday, or the day before,... oh look, it's tomorrow, time to start the song over....... Like someone abused............ Isn't it funny how it repeats,... yesterday is tomorrow. Lol There's a madness to this, cause I really find it funny, like crying, laughing, and bleeding all at once, maybe I'll smile in relief when it all ends....... Still don't know why though,... why am I here,... how did this ever have to happen.......
Jan 18 2020, 10:09 AM
Private entry

Apr 22 2020, 01:48 PM

Past several days with just vodka, and a knife.... Days,...? I'm not sure how long it's been,... it all feels the same, when I've had the shots, when I haven't,... I never feel right, or ok,... like that part of me that's broken....... I fantasize now about the blade cutting deeper.... To just slice an artery in my neck, to just twist the knife, and make sure it doesn't stop,... until it all stops....... So many times I keep thinking about it, fantasizing about it....... I'm done,... I don't care anymore.... I'm just writing my last page.......

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Apr 05 2020, 03:20 PM

This world is so screwed up,... I envy the dead who don't have to be here anymore....... I'd think of something more to say, but why should I even bother,... I already know no one cares,... I've known for years....... I'm just so tired of being here, and waiting for it to just be over.......

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Mar 20 2020, 01:40 PM

Just an update,... I don't trust anyone anymore.... You're all liers,... you say you care, but only about yourself.... You say you forgive, but you never do.... You say you understand, but you won't even listen....... You say you're different, but you won't even try....... Loving you, is like waiting for a brain dead doctor to save me, waiting for the comatose to wake up.... Believing in you is like counting on a miracle that will never happen....... You are empty, nothing but lies, all your tears are fake, and meaningful, I bet your blood doesn't even have color.... You are nothing but my worst nightmare, the demons that just eat me alive till there's nothing left, and then turn, and walk away as my bones lie on the floor, as if I'm nothing, worth nothing, as if you got all you wanted, and have no further interest in what's left.... You carnivores, monsters, heartless imitations....... I gave all I had,... my hopes, dreams, parts of myself I'll never get back....... I stayed, and fought for everyone else but myself,... I starved, suffered, broke in ways I never imagined I could,... all for people who never gave a damn about me, and discarded me like I was never anything to them....... The last thing to break will be my promises,... that I'd care, that I'd be here....... Death claims us all eventually,... after everything I've been through, and experienced,... you monsters will never change, you'll never be worth it,... all I sacrificed, will just leave me empty inside for the rest of my life, wishing I never cared about you....... If I could give you anything else, let it be a knife,... either you can kill me with it, or yourself...... I'm really not sure I care anymore.......

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Mar 14 2020, 12:05 AM

Some kind of future city place I found myself in. I got in, but didn't understand much, and was lost. There was a festival, a show, like a performance, and the lead person saved me, and was really nice. During the show, I ended up in the wrong place, I didn't understand, and was suddenly getting chased down by authorities.... I wasn't a true citizen, and that meant my very presence there was illegal....... I was running on my own, avoiding, and escaping a manhunt....... I came across a girl, I don't know her name, but she helped me for awhile. She was caring, and sweet,... she had a name I can't remember....... I don't know how we got separated, but soon after, I found myself getting chased by someone else, a woman officer with a dog, and some subordinates.... I outsmarted most of them, but the dog wouldn't stop following me.... I got to a point where I knew I couldn't go further, I couldn't keep this up, and I couldn't handle it anymore.... A single thought, a question, just kept going through my mind, until I felt there was only one one answer, one way out....... I stopped running,... dropped, and broke down.... I started crying, and feeling hopeless, as the woman approached, I begged her to shoot me.... I told her I didn't want to live like this, I can't stand it anymore........ She knew I meant it, and she grabbed me, and walked me somewhere.... I don't know if we talked, at one point she put handcuffs on me, and was acting like she was arresting me, but I don't know when things changed. I found myself at the processing center, and when I realized it, she said "you deserve the chance to become a citizen".... The handcuffs were gone, and I was next in line, getting taken in by security, asking me questions and such.... I guess they realized I was a decent person, just didn't have documentation, so they gave me citizenship, making me fully legal.... I collected my things, and walked back into the city, lost again, but this time free, and welcome.... I didn't know what to do, until that girl showed up, and I started talking with her again. I told her what happened, and that I don't have to run anymore, and we were just getting along well. I noticed the officer who had helped me, and I ran over to her, to thank her, and get her name. It wasn't long at all, by the time I got her name, the girl was walking away, and I had to go after her. When I caught up with her, I knew she was upset,... I tried to ask her what was wrong, she just started to vomit, and I didn't know what to say....... She seemed to be avoiding me, and all I had done was talk with the officer, so I started to explain that I was thanking her. At first, she didn't understand, and when I told her that the officer was the one who helped me get my citizenship, everything changed.... She relaxed, but seemed embarrassed.... She quietly said "I thought I wasn't good enough for you".... That moment I realized she actually really liked me, and I told her of course she's good enough. I can't remember what happened after that, we ended up talking with someone else, she was away from me, and I had to catch up to her again. I grabbed her hand, told her "of course you're good enough, you're more than good enough", and I kissed her hand like she's a queen. She was happy, and I loved her, so we started walking closer, I felt her skin as my arm was pushed against hers, and our hands close, I felt that moment her hand turned, to get mine, and our fingers just interlocked together....... That's pretty much immediately when I woke up.......

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Feb 23 2020, 01:54 AM

Crying your eyes out till they run dry.... Screaming your lungs raw till you can barely breath....... Bleeding your heart out till you wonder how it still beats....... Sitting there alone, tired, sick and ill....... There's something special, and unique, about that moment you stop trying, and realize nothing matters, nothing will change, no one cares....... If I died yesterday, who would have even noticed.... If I died years ago.... I asked myself then, would anyone even care....... The answer lingers around me, taunting me, as I watch everyone turn their heads, and simply walk away,... no,... no one cares, no one will notice.... As my ears ring from the sound of my own screams, I sit there in silence.... As I'm filled with the pain of my own bloody heart, I lay here crying....... These moments, when you know, deep down, truly,... no one hears you, you're wasting your breath.... No one sees you, your blood and tears are for nothing.... No one will think of you, or remember you,... there is no one coming to save you, no one is running to take the knife out of your hands, or the gun from your head....... There.... Is... No one....... You,... are,... alone.......

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Feb 19 2020, 01:00 AM

I managed to be on here for what,... 2 days,... maybe...? ...and I already want to kill myself....... I used to believe emo people were different, that they had heart, and were real,... somehow apparently that doesn't matter, cause the moment I let my guard down, I'm treated like worthless sh*t....... Seriously, I'm tired of trying, getting tortured because I actually care.... I can't wait to just f*ck*ng die, and not have to deal with any of this anymore....... Don't bother to be surprised when I'm just gone, and don't bother to pretend like you care.......

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Feb 17 2020, 09:09 PM

Another fair heads up,... my gender is complicated.... They have no non-binary gender options, so I put how I feel, and prefer to be seen. That should be fair, so if you're going to judge me harshly over that, just go away.... I'm not being deceptive, manipulative, or lying, and I'm really just sick of people thinking the worst when all I am is honest, and trying my best to treat people right....... Seriously, you can't say I'm manipulating when I'm an open book.......

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Feb 17 2020, 06:54 PM

Fair heads up, or warning, or whatever,... to those of you who actually end up on my "friends list",... I'm kinda demisexual....... I don't brag about this, and I don't like telling strangers, it's always been embarrassing, because certain kinds of people really get to me....... I've been hurt a lot in my life, as you can probably tell,... thing is, when someone I like is good to me, I'm not really used to it, so I emotionally, and mentally don't know how to handle it.... I get overwhelmed easily, and no matter how I try, if someone I like is too good to me, I get weak, and vulnerable.... It's stupid, it's embarrassing, but I really don't care much anymore what anyone thinks.... If you talk with me, I expect you to be aware of this. I have no interest in being a bother, I mean no harm, and if you're some creep looking to take advantage of me, you're a shit person. So, yea, here's the heads up, I'm tried of people assuming the worst when I start to like them, so now it's just out in the open, I'm not some creep, I'm not trying to get anything sexual, I just have really bad vulnerability issues....... Yep, I'm sure this was a good idea....... Honestly, just tired of being judged harshly, so if you can't handle someone being real, just go away.......

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Feb 17 2020, 07:01 AM

Like someone abused, I get used to the pain.... Actually, as I child I remember telling myself that it doesn't matter....... Just like the pain, everything else wrong just feels normal. So what I can't sleep, so what I can't eat, so what I get sick. Does it really matter, is it any different than yesterday, or the day before....... Another restless night, and I don't know what else to do with the hours.... Laying here thinking, questioning life, I seem to only sleep enough for my dreams to remind me of the things I lost.... Some vodka and whiskey, and maybe I sleep, but I learn it makes me more honest.... It's funny, I've always prided myself on honesty, but I try to keep some things buried, and the only thing that helps me sleep, also brings them to the surface.... Going to hell for someone is one thing, I thought about it a lot, the integrity to say I'd take a bullet, and actually follow through.... If I burned in hell for someone I loved, how long before I regretted it, or hated them for it, or would the reason be enough.... I lost my home, ended up on the street, and when I was most vulnerable, my closest friend betrays me, and has me locked up for months.... No one ever told me why, or asked me if I deserved it, and I just swallowed my tongue, and let her have her way.... Without even complaining, I willingly walked into hell, without an explanation, or knowing why.... Some of my best friends turned against me for reasons I'll probably never know, and I just accepted it,... I didn't understand, but I let it happen....... People say a lot of things they don't mean,... I never wanted to be like them....... My worst fears, and nightmares, my own personal hell.... "I'd go through hell for you".... I asked myself if those words had meaning, and now that hell is my life....... My family doesn't understand, and I get tired of talking about it,... I don't hate her, I don't entirely blame her.... Years of this nightmare I've been condemned to, and through the smoke I don't even know why, what it was for,... somehow, I just hope she's happy.... That's not even sarcasm, I really always put her happiness before my own.... I'd bite my tongue, walk away,... I'd put my life on the line to protect her, and just as I've said, if somehow I had to suffer for her to be ok, I'd do it.... As damaged, and broken as I've become, I wish I knew the answers to these questions,... I just wish I knew why,... but still, more than anything, I just keep asking myself,... was it worth it....... Living my worst nightmares every day, living in my hell,... was it worth it,... is this where I belong....... I feel pretty eaten alive, and empty, like something crucial is missing, something vital ripped away, like the engine out of a car.... I've fought against it for years, but I still consumes me.... It's hard saying that word,... "years".... I never imagined I'd have to live,... no,... exist like this, for so long, not living, just stagnant, frozen, dead inside, like I'm just waiting for the final hours, or some kind of miracle....... Days, weeks, months,... a year or 2,... but 7...? The thought of it, like I can't deny that I'm trapped here anymore.... Most people wouldn't understand, I got locked up only for a few months, but the hell, the nightmare, started before then, and hasn't ended, hasn't let go of me.... People won't understand, that being locked away was nothing compared to this,... if I could go back, I'd go through it all again, to be where we were....... Even going back, it feels so far away now,... but perhaps it's all that's left, phantom memories haunting me, and ahead, just more restless nights....... I don't want to hear anymore condescension, or empty advice.... Go to therapy, get medication, smoke some weed.... People won't understand, and I don't care anymore.... I am who I am, my nature is my own,... if to save your child, or the love of your life, you had to lose your arm, or your legs, would you do it...? That's insane. Would you someday hate them for it? That's horrible.... Still, there's people who sacrifice, and they don't hold it over the person, they just live with it....... It can never be fixed, or made right, I'll never have my home, or my hopes, my dreams,... I'll never get back the years I've lost, and I'll never be able to live without these scars, and the damage in my soul....... I hate people acting like they can fix me, or like I haven't even tried,... I tried desperately to find some kind of normalcy....... After the years, I just can't ignore it anymore, I can't pretend things are ok....... To tell the truth, a secret I don't share often,... my heart was always everything to me.... I never cared about being smart, or strong, I never cared about being popular, or successful. All I ever cared about was my heart, all I ever lived by was my heart, it was practically the entirety of my being....... My heart beat for the dream, and hope of love,... not to sound cheesy, but seriously, to know my life makes a difference, to die knowing that because I existed, someone was happier than they would have been without me.... I needed that in my life, validation of my existence, not wealth, fame, or success, I needed to know I made a personal difference to someone's life for who I am.... No doctor, drug, or anything else will ever change that....... Just over 7 years ago, I felt like I'd die, like any kind of living would just be over for me, and then my heart slowly got ripped out of my chest....... 2 years getting torn apart, and 5 years to accept it, like I person accepting they'll never walk again....... Despite all my efforts, I realize no one can replace the dream I lost, no one can give me that kind of hope, and in the absence of that,... the absence is my hell, as if all there is, is just pain, till I finally stop breathing....... If I don't die soon, maybe I'll just start writing a book....... I've got nothing else but this hole in my chest, and all I feel is the repetition,... another night I can't sleep,... another night I can't eat....... Haven't I said this already....... Wasn't it just yesterday, or the day before,... oh look, it's tomorrow, time to start the song over....... Like someone abused............ Isn't it funny how it repeats,... yesterday is tomorrow. Lol There's a madness to this, cause I really find it funny, like crying, laughing, and bleeding all at once, maybe I'll smile in relief when it all ends....... Still don't know why though,... why am I here,... how did this ever have to happen.......

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Jan 18 2020, 10:09 AM

I was afraid of ending up alone, like my life would be completely meaningless, worthless....... I started doing my best to behave, and act right, treat people better, I honestly believed people wanted good values, and traits, someone who's honest, reliable, trustworthy,... someone who cares, listens, and is sincere.... I believed if I was a good person, a good friend, then I'd be loved, appreciated,... maybe some people wouldn't,... maybe most people wouldn't,... but a few,... at least someone, would actually appreciate me for who I am....... No matter what I did, I felt expendable, forgettable, anyone I liked, I just knew that deep down, I didn't mean anything to them....... I struggled, and kept hoping someday would be different....... There was this dream,... I was with someone special, and the way she held my hand as she walked beside me, it always reminded me of a child clutching a teddy bear, or blanket, something that was so precious to them, that they couldn't bare to let go, or lose it....... This dream, I could feel that, just the way she held my hand tight, like she'd never, ever let go.... I didn't fully understand at first, but after a moment, we got up to a railing. We both leaned over it, and just looked sideways at each other.... It was only a second, but in that moment, the way she smiled, and as her hair covered her face, I only saw one of her eyes, but in her eye, the way she looked at me, I could see how happy she was, being there with me.... In that moment, it became clear to me,... that's what true love feels like.... Not the fairytale "true love", but just simply what it is to truly love someone....... I could never remember her name, so I simply called her "My Angel".... That dream, she was my light, my Angel was what kept me going, moving forward, no matter how bad things seemed, because I knew no matter what, it would all be worth it to be with her someday....... No matter how much I struggled, and suffered, I had faith in her, I held onto that dream, it became the only thing I lived for, and anyone who knew me at all, would come to know that....... My closest friend I ever had,... she knew me well.... We had been friends here and there for years, things would get between us, or separate us, but somehow, we always ended up back together.... Things were complicated, like how we felt about each other, but we both had our own reasons for not saying anything.... Eventually, we talked about it though, and after awhile, and all the things we talked about, I really fell for her, and started to wonder if she was the one....... One night before I was moving away, she visited, and at first, we were just spending time together as friends, but then things changed.... It was like a miracle for me, after the things I had been through, she got to me passed those walls, and she helped me start to heal....... I loved her so much, I would have went through hell for her,... maybe in some ways I did....... I faced nightmares that I never imagined, but in a way, it was ok, because I loved her, I believed in her, and somehow, knowing that, no matter how bad things got, I knew things would be ok, and any struggle would be worth getting through....... It felt like there was a purpose, and I didn't mind the pain, I didn't regret going through hell to take care of her, and be there for her....... There was a time,... she was sick, I didn't know what was wrong, she wouldn't tell me, but I told her she needed to get help.... I eventually convinced her, but along the way, she disappeared, and I knew something was wrong....... I traveled halfway around the world to search for her, and this was a dream, but the way things were, the way I fought for her, carried her, did everything I could to save her....... In the end, I couldn't get what a doctor needed, the anesthesia,... and she needed surgery....... I held her hand, and the last thing I felt, was her squeeze my hand as they were about to start,... and I woke up, feeling like I failed her....... I told her about this, and she tried to tell me that it was ok, that I didn't fail her....... It was almost 8 years ago,... 2012, and I still remember her,... I still remember that dream, the way I couldn't run fast enough.... I still remember her blood, her cold body,... holding her in my arms, doing my best to keep her alive, and safe....... The love we had,... or at least what I thought we had,... it just seemed to fade away, like sand falling through my fingers.... She made me promise to hold on, and trust her, but I achingly waited, as she became more and more distant....... It took over a year, like my heart was slowly getting ripped from my chest, a little by little, day by day,... until it just wasn't there anymore.... Suddenly, before I knew it, it was like she was a stranger, like she was empty, someone else, like she didn't even know me anymore....... I felt lost, and ready to die,... I couldn't make her love me, I couldn't control her, I knew that, and I wasn't going to try, so if it was over, if I meant nothing to her, then that's just all there was to it.... I spent several nights hoping, praying that I wouldn't wake up,... at one point, I so desperately wanted it to end, I reached out to her in my sleep....... She claimed she was still my friend, but not long after that, she completely abandoned me, without any warning, or goodbyes....... Eventually, I tried to end it, I didn't want to wake up,... but after it didn't work, and I woke up, I later realized rather I'm here, or nowhere, it wouldn't change anything.... What difference is life or death, when they're both hell....... After another year, and no hope left for anything between her and me, I didn't care much about anything anymore....... My family sent me out to state, and soon after, I found my way to Vermont.... I tried to escape,... I tried to move on, and forget....... I tried to believe that somehow, things might be ok, maybe there would be someone better....... "better...". I can't even use the word and mean it, it has such a bad taste in my mouth....... The love I knew, the dream I had,... maybe I hoped somehow, someone would save me from the nightmare it had all became, but "better".... The years just proved to me over and over that there would be no better, people are selfish, shallow, judgmental, manipulative, flaky....... I gave my all, and the argument is irrelevant now, because I have nothing left to give....... She's been gone 7 years, and I still hear her voice.... She still haunts my dreams....... I don't talk about her, I try not to think about her, but the claim she had on me....... I lost a lot over the years,... a lot was taken from me that I'll never get back,... but of all the things I could live without,... she stole my dreams from me,... my hopes, the only thing I truly lived for.......

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